Come Boldly

"I don't think there would be so many books on prayer 

if we weren't struggling in this area. "

There are these little moments in time, when you can fully acknowledge and own your sin either to God, others, or both, that somehow He just shows up and gives you the way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13) And that way out is so simple you would have missed it completely, had it not arrived in a huge box, with a great, big bow, and a tag with your name in bold letters.

For months now I have been aware of the fact that I am struggling with a major disconnect in my walk with Christ. For the life of me, I had no clue where the problem was rooted. Yesterday I wrote about John 5:39-40 which was the first true glimpse I was given into it this past summer. Knowing I was looking for Jesus through the Scriptures and still missing Him terrified me to no blessed end because (1) I didn't know that was possible to do and (2) I didn't have the foggiest of ideas on how to fix it. Oh but God. When the student is ready, the Teacher most definitely appears.

This moring my reading had me in Matthew 6 that focuses heavily on doing the good things in secret knowing God sees them and that He will reward them. Right before Jesus teaches the Lord's prayer He says, "for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." I turned that over and over in my head realizing there was something there.

Yesterday when I was talking to my husband about prayer, I mentioned that things seemed to be getting 'easier' (although that's not the right word) since we all started getting more intentional about prayer. And while it would be easy to deny just how lacking my prayer life really was, I suspect I'm not the only one. Because if we all prayed the way we should, I think we'd be seeing a lot more impact in our tiny little circles. Just sayin'.

As I continued to roll this around in my head, God brought a thought to my heart that almost literally took my breath away. When Hezekiah got his letter from Sennacherib, what did he do? (he layed it out on a table and prayed to God) When Mary didn't know what to do when she found out she was pregnant, what did she do? (she prayed) When David was caught in all his mess? (yep, he prayed) When Jesus was ready to be handed over to the authorities? (again, prayed) I could go on but you get the point. Do you notice what they didn't do? They didn't run to get the scrolls.

I don't know if this will hit anyone else the way it did me, but they turned to God, not to their Bible. (you know what I mean)

Our Bibles are so important. They teach us about God, they help us know what to do, they give us examples of how to live and not live, they give us God's promises, they are His love letter to us because He wants us to live our lives for Him, but they are NOT a substitute for Him. I think this is what Jesus was getting at with the religious leaders. They were just like the Israelites that told Moses to go to talk to God for them. They were so stuck on what they had on paper they weren't going to the author to find out what He meant.

One of my memory verses for this year has been Hebrews 4:16. This is so not a coincidence. It says, "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." You'll notice it does not say 'let us then approach God's word.' I am not advocating shelving our Bibles. Far from it. But I think we need to start going to God first and foremost, not the book about Him.

I don't know. Maybe I really am the only one that has missed the boat on this one. But something tells me I'm not. I don't think there would be so many books on prayer if we weren't struggling in this area. I just pray that knowing this now, I will make turning to God my first inclination not my last ditch effort.

Lord, the grace and mercy You extended to me this morning in opening my eyes to something that I was totally oblivious to has blown me away. I am sorry that I have taken Your precious Word and made it a substitute for You. I have given it a higher place than You, putting it on the throne. You gave it as a good and perfect gift, not a substitute. I have taken Your promises, Your truths, and Your directions and applied them where I saw fit instead of asking You where they were meant to be. But Your unconditional love knew my heart and You patiently waited until I was ready to see. I want to turn to You first, now and forevermore. Amen.

Come to Me

Since summer, the words of Jesus recorded in John 5:39-40 have haunted me. There He says:

"You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them 

you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify 

about Me, yet you refuse to come to Me to have life."

Over and over and over I have rolled them around in my head, trying to figure out what that means. Granted He was talking to the religious leaders, but knowing we all have a little bit of the religious leaders in us, I know that I am included in this.

Just a few short verses after He says this, Jesus also mentions that the leaders have put their hope in Moses and that he stands as their accuser. Moses received the law and gave it to the people. This is definitely reflective of the leaders of Jesus' time. They thought the rules would get them there. But what strikes me most about this, is that during the time of Moses, the people told him to talk to God and that they would just do what He said, they didn't want to go to Him themselves. This is more me than I would care to admit. I do search my Bible so that I know how to live and what to do, but turn to Jesus? Not like I am called to.

It would seem that I am at the beginning of what is likely to be a difficult, but important, journey in my walk. There is a part of me that feels like I am about to come face to face with Jesus on the Road to Damascus. While I may be consistent in studying God's Word and wanting to live my life for Him in every aspect, that last part, about refusing to come to Him to have life, has convicted me to the core. But if during this season, scales fall from my eyes and a veil is removed, it will all be worth it to behold the glory of the One that gave His life for me.

Lord, I don't know what You are starting, but I know You will see it through to completion. I don't know how difficult this will be, but I know You will strengthen me to endure it. Help me run this race well, knowing that at the finish line is You, in a way I don't think I've ever known You before. Amen.

Every Opportunity

"It's so easy to get stuck and hung up on the inconveniences that disrupt 

our plans. But if God's plan has a higher purpose than mine, 

I have to trust that He is seeing something that I can't."

Yesterday we had a family situation arise that we weren't anticipating. My husband who was only supposed to work until 3:30 PM ended up staying until 9:30 PM. This was considerably made worse by the fact that he went in at 6:00 AM. Needless to say, no one in our little family of four, five if you count the ball of fur sleeping at the end of the table, was happy. When I explained to my son what happened and why daddy wouldn't be home, he graciously repeated it to his sister for me because I was already upset.

And then the miracle came. My son looked at me and said, "I think we need to pray. Like right now." I thought my momma heart was going to burst right then and there.

So we did. We prayed for the people who made decisions that caused this to happen. We prayed for my husband to find purpose in why he was still there. We prayed for God's peace to flood him so that he would still be a light despite his frustration. We prayed for so many things that I think we covered every possible base. And then I emailed my husband to let him know and I'm pretty sure it made his heart happy to know what we had done.

I don't know what the specific purpose was in him working all day. But I do know this:

It encouraged people on facebook when I shared it there.
It encouraged the people who have had a major influence in my life, challenging me as a wife and mother because I sent them an email letting them know what happened.
It gave me an opporutnity to feel the love of some sweet friends that reached out to make sure I was okay and who agreed to pray also.
It gave us an opporutnity to see our son's heart burst with compassion.
It gave me a post to share with you to remind you that nothing is without purpose.

And while that list will continue to grow, God alone knows the exact reason and what He was working out in our lives through this.

It's so easy to get stuck and hung up on the inconveniences that disrupt our plans. But if God's plan has a higher purpose than mine, I have to trust that He is seeing something that I can't. And even though I'm still a bit sad we didn't get to have dinner together as a family, I do know that I am more grateful for the evidence of His love through an imperfect situation.

Lord, I seriously don't get how you can be so creative and intentional about making Your perfect love evident, even in the most unwelcomed of circumstances. But somehow, someway, you manage to do this all the time. I praise You for the opportunity You have given us to be witnesses of Your involvment in even the smallest of details, and the ability to see Your hands and feet in others. I pray that whatever Your purpose was in this, that we did our part well. We love you. Amen.

Heart Check

Everytime I read the Old Testament there is a part of me that wonders what on earth these people were thinking. And when I see the things they were doing that went against God, there is a part of me that judges them and just wants to hold up an "L" on my forehead. I mean, they worshipped idols of stone and wood. Seriously? How does that even make sense? Especially when you factor in all the things they saw God do with their eyes! Manna from heaven in the wilderness? Parting the Red Sea to cross on dry land? How dumb can you possibly be?

That is until you realize you do the exact.same.things. No, I don't have wooden or stone images I bow to. But when you are bold enough to pray that God would reveal to you the idols you do worship and then you go to the bathroom and see the scale on the floor? Pretty convicting.

And as you continue to read about what they did that is summed up as not getting rid of vile images or the idols of Egypt you think, "Oh, not a problem here!" Except it is. And a big one.

I would say that the vile images are anything that do not: point to, honor, glorify, reflect, or credit God; or anything that does minimize, question, destroy, or insult His intentions. I mean, if I'm looking at my workout trainer and wanting her body more than my own? That's a problem.

And those idols of Egypt? Considering Egypt is the symbol of slavery for God's people, I'd equate its idols to anything that is assumed to bring freedom or equality but instead brings slavery and measured value of human determination. Enjoy that one. #CalorieCounting

But that's not all. God also mentions in His list of grievances their evil ways and corrupt practices. Our evil ways are simply anything that we elevate and desire above God. That never leads to anything good. But corrupt practices? This one caught me off guard considerably when I realized they are simply the things we do that twists what is not of God to make it seem like it is. Oh, you want to do that because it will bring God glory? Check your heart honey, because your true motives are completely selfish.

And the worst part is that God gives us everything we need to be successful! "I gave them my decrees and made known to them my laws, by which the person who obeys them will live." (Ezekiel 20:11) This isn't just about following the rules, this is the living of the abundant life Jesus came to give us not one bound up, tied up, messed up, and stuck to things that will never bring us wholeness, completion, or joy.

But God is so good! He says, "Go and serve your idols, every one of you! BUT AFTERWARD you will surely listen to me and no longer profane my holy name with your gifts and idols.....You will know that I am the LORD, when I deal with you for my name's sake and NOT according to your evil ways and corrupt practices."

I don't know why this is so hard for me to get! I keep telling myself I want things for the right reasons, but the truth is, my heart is still so divided! And there is nothing, in my own strength, that I can do about it. The reality is God is more interested in a healthy heart and mind than He is in a number on a scale. And until I can truly accept and believe that, I don't want Him to give me what I say I am working towards. Because gaining the world and losing my soul is completely not worth it.

I want to challenge you to ask God to reveal what your vile images are. Ask Him to show you what your evil ways and corrupt practices look like. Be bold to approach Him because you aren't going to find condemnation. On the contrary you will find grace and mercy to help you in your time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) And when we lay it all down and submit it to Him, and let His authority give us the next steps, maybe then we can truly offer our lives as holy and living sacrifices to the praise, honor, and glory of His name. (Romans 12:1)

Lord, I don't know how many times I need to get this wrong before I'll get it right, but if You're still pointing it out, I can only believe it's because You haven't given up on me. I pray that You would help us all grasp what You have for us and accept that it is more than we could ever want or imagine for ourselves. We love you and we want our desires to match Yours. Amen.

I Told You So

"My preferences in a lot of areas have to do with comfort. Things that make me feel better. 

But I can't claim to rely on the God of Israel and do things my way. 

Either I trust Him or I don't, there really isn't another option."

Last night before I went to bed I wrote a random thought on a post-it-note that I could use for a blog post. While I was sleeping I had some upsetting dreams that caused me to specifically pray for God to clear those thoughts from my mind before I read my Bible and my devotional app. I'm sure you see where this is going. Turns out God has a huge (not funny) sense of humor.

On the post-it I summarized the meme that shows up on facebook traditionally around Mother's Day. You know, the one that says, "If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your mother told you to the first time." The verse that popped into my head was from Psalm 40 which says, "Sacrifice and offering You did not desire." They sound pretty similar to me. We wouldn't have to worry so much about sacrifice and offering if we just did things God's way in the first place. 

Turns out the joke is on me. 

I was reading in Isaiah 48 this morning and found this (17-19a):

This is what the Lord says - your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:

"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you,

who directs you in the way you should go.

IF ONLY you had paid attention to my commands,

your peace would have been like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea.

Your descendents would have been like the sand, 

your children like its numberless grains"

#Awesome

Not surprising is that Isaiah 48 is titled Stubborn Israel. Go figure. It could be subtitled Stubborn Jenn or Stubborn (insert your name here). The best part of this chapter is that it starts out in verse 2 by saying, "you who call yourselves citizens of the holy city and CLAIM to rely on the God of Israel." Just keeps getting better!

And as if all that wasn't enough to catch MY attention, yesterday at church, Pastor Emmanuel asked us to think about what drives our decisions. That was fun because we've been talking about the fact that we often choose our preferences over God's ways. And to put the icing on the cake, one of my dreams had to do with wanting to delegate something away from me because I don't like it, and then my devotional app was Galatians 6:9 about not giving up when we become weary. #Seriously!

My preferences in a lot of areas have to do with comfort. Things that make me feel better. But I can't claim to rely on the God of Israel and do things my way. Either I trust Him or I don't, there really isn't another option. But sometimes it's just hard because I am so limited in what I see as viable solutions. But since He has made each of us unique, why do I constantly limit Him to what I can imagine?

I realize this might all seem a bit depressing and probably overwhelming. I get that. That's how I felt at first, too. But God never leaves us empty handed because He's always got a hand on us. (Isaiah 41:10) And He doesn't condemn us either (Romans 8:1) because He wants none of us to perish. (2 Peter 3:9) So we are left with a choice of doing things the hard way, or letting Jesus give us the Biblical version of I told you so. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather join the winning team than continue to fight a losing battle.

Lord, I don't have words to say other than I'm sorry. I know I do things the hard way and I know that doesn't make me more lovable or better, it just makes me stubborn. I pray that you would help me to submit to what You say sooner because doing things Your way not only makes sense, but it brings You the most glory. Thank you for not only making your case, but also proving your point, and giving me the gentlest of I told you so's. Amen.

Place of Freedom

"Freedom is such a difficult concept. If we aren't careful, it can end up with us living 

 in bondage. We make choices based on our desires, our wishes, what we 

think is best, but when we forget to factor God into the equation, 

it's almost guaranteed that we'll get the wrong answer."

Not long ago, I heard Levi Lusko say something about freedom. Basically, what we think will set us free makes us captives and what we think will keep us captive sets us free. Let me explain.

We've all seen the commercials about becoming enslaved to smoking. You think you are making the choice to light up because you are fine with ignoring the health consequences that can result from this lifestyle choice. However, a point comes where the addiction is so strong, you have to light up. It's no longer about what you want to do but what you need to do.

I think we tend to see God the same way. We look at what His Word says and think it's a huge list of 'thou shalt nots' instead of a guide to make sure you don't end up in a pile of ick. We want to claim free will and hold on to it with both hands, but the reality is we can abuse that freedom very easily and find ourselves in a place where we are anything but.

So the question becomes how do we know the difference and how do we follow through with the right choice?

I'm not exactly sure. But I think I have an idea.

The Israelites, during their wilderness journey, told Moses that they would listen to what God told them to do but that they didn't want to talk to Him directly. They wanted to know the difference between right and wrong because it would take 'thought' out of the process. It's easier to follow the instructions than guess your way through.

But here's the thing, even when they got their list of rules, they still didn't follow them! Why? Because we all want to do what we want to do and we don't like being told otherwise. We desperately want to make our own choices because we think that's what freedom is. But Jesus clearly explained why this doesn't work when He said that if you try to preserve your life (the things you want) you'll lose it and if you lose it (the things that aren't good for you), you'll actually save it.

Freedom is such a difficult concept. If we aren't careful, it can end up with us living in bondage. We make choices based on our desires, our wishes, what we think is best, but when we forget to factor God into the equation, it's almost guaranteed that we'll get the wrong answer. But if instead we love God first and foremost and seek to do what will bring Him glory, that will always be for our good. Every.Single.Time.

When you love someone, you don't do anything to hurt them intentionally. You might do something accidentally that causes harm, but you don't set out with destruction in mind. Acting out of our love for God is the same. If we know what He says and decide to believe He's said it out of His love for us, then following through with His guidelines becomes about a relationship.

But this isn't easy. We don't want to give up what we want. But holding on to it not only distances our hearts from His, it keeps us bound up, stuck, and unable to truly live in the freedom He died to give us.

I recently told a friend that any time you feel judged walking into a church, you need to remember that Jesus came for the sick and lost because the healthy don't need a doctor. And every person there, if they are honest, will tell you that they need Jesus more than they need their next breath. We are all battling something and fighting desperately for the freedom God intends us to have. But in that freedom lies boundaries that keep us safe. The question is, will we trust that what He says is right, or will we insist on biting that apple to find out for ourselves?

Jesus, I have been either living on the boundary lines, teetering on the edges, or falling to the wrong side for far too long. It's hard to stay within the safety zone because it feels unfair. But You love me enough to keep reminding me that what You want is for my good. You know I can't live for You in my own strength. Teach me how to fully rely on You for everything, especially in the areas I am weakest, knowing that by doing that, all the glory and honor will go to You for the watching world to see. Amen.

Aware

"For as self-aware as I am, I also have a tendency to be very distracted 

and unfocused. I can tell you what I think is wrong with me, 

but that doesn't necessarily motivate me to immediate action."

A few months back I had someone tell me that I was very self aware. This wasn't something I didn't know but it was nice to have someone else recognize it. I don't see a point in ever adopting that 'fake it til you make it' attitude because that doesn't help anyone, especially me. But along with that awareness, comes an intense desire to deal with the stuff that isn't good, or at least what I think is different than it should be.  

A couple days ago I watched an interview with an author I respect and she quoted Viktr Frankl in saying, "The root of anxiety is unfulfilled responsibility." She might as well have said, "Jenn, pay attention. I'm about to drop a truth bomb that is going to implode your current state of existance." After I picked my jaw up from the table and took the 1.2 seconds I needed to realize that what she said summed up my entire being, I knew that a few things that have happened in the past 6 months or so were no accident.

First, I read a blog post about a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. I haven't finished the book yet (truthfully I need to restart it) but the premise is the disconnect we, or at least I, have with my emotions. I deal with things analytically and sytematically for the most part but leave how I feel about them out of the equation. This is not healthy in case you were wondering.

Second, somewhere, probably on facebook, I saw an advertisement for a book called No More Faking Fine. That might as well have had flashing arrows pointing to it. I don't 'fake fine' by any stretch of the imagination, but I also don't verbalize my 'not fine' to God in a healthy or productive way so that I can have my mind recaliberated to what I know is true. Instead I've developed a rather unhealthy habit of putting Christian platitudes on every thing and moving past it instead of allowing myself to feel the weight of it. As Ann Voskamp wrote in The Broken Way, "Pain demands to be felt or demands you feel nothing at all." I've done this one so well that I haven't had a gut wrenching cry in 6 years. #TrueStory

Third, in the "New" section of the library, I found a book called How's Your Soul by Judah Smith. While I've barely gotten past the introduction, I realized something very quickly in what I've read. My soul is not okay. At all.

For as self-aware as I am, I also have a tendency to be very distracted and unfocused. I can tell you what I think is wrong with me, but that doesn't necessarily motivate me to immediate action. Perhaps it's a way of delaying the discomfort I am certain to feel as I delve into these three books, or just outright procrastination. I should say that the first two I do own and have started them. I also put them back down and read something else that was a little bit safer.

But this morning, I read something in 1 Kings 8 that caught me off guard. As Solomon prayed for the temple dedication, he repeatedly petitioned God for the scenarios when the people would realize their faults and turn back to Him. As he goes through almost every possiblity, in verse 38 he prays, "and when a prayer or plea is made by anyone among your people Israel, being aware of the afflictions of their own hearts, and spreading out their hands towards this temple, (39) then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive and act; deal with everyone according to all they do, since You know their hearts."

A lot of my desire to "get better" was birthed from the realization that I don't want to die this way. I suppose you could call it a mid-life emotional crisis. But until I read Solomon's prayer over the Israelites, I don't think I was aware of the fact that I've been trying to fix myself. Don't get me wrong, God can use the words others have written to help me, but only He can do the fixing. I've systematically left Him out of the equation every time because I know that with Him, I can't ignore the pain that is bound to come because He's not going to let it go until I deal with it.

I can't say that I've had a hard life, but I've definitely gone through some unpleasant things. Thankfully God promises to use all of those things for my good. Not a single one of them is the one thing that God can't redeem and turn into a harvest of fruitfulness. And the best part is that with God it's never too late to start again. 

Lord, I am sorry that I have delayed what You have been trying to accomplish. The consequences of my lack of follow through are evident. I know that I have avoided this in the hopes of sparing myself what is sure to be hard. But no matter how hard it is, I know that You will be with me, leading me every step of the way, making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Your specialty has always been bringing things back to life and I'm ready for the resurrected King to completely resurrect me. Amen.