Friday, March 31, 2017

A Strike Every Time

"Hopefully someday soon we'll believe that, if we are still breathing,
 it's never too late to start over."

When I first met my husband, he was in a bowling league. Back in the day, he would bowl Monday night and I would go, without fail, to watch him. I smile when I think about those late nights at the alley, eating food that wasn't good for me, the effort I put in to what I would wear, my hair, and my makeup, and the nervous energy I felt the first few weeks meeting his friends. In my mind, this was a make it or break it situation, and I was going to do everything I could to pass the test. (True story: One week a friend of mine that worked the Lancome counter did my makeup for me and her roommate, a stylist, did my hair. So I could sit in a bowling alley looking pretty.)

Watching him I learned a few things very quickly:
1. You never want to be the only one in a frame to not get a strike.
2. A turkey is not a bad thing.
3. If all the pins fall, it doesn't matter if the last one hit the floor after it wobbled for an eternity or if it was pure luck because the way you threw the ball should not have resulted in a strike.

As a completly incompetent bowler, this last one is the one I like the most. If I get a strike, I am celebrating massively and I really don't care what it looked like. As long as that 'x' goes in the row with my name, I am thrilled. When you are completly incapable of having any type of form, grace, or consistency in doing something, any time you get it right, regardless of how ugly it might have been through the process, it's worth acknowledging. (And all the good bowlers shake their heads in disgust.)

I think this is how God must see us sometimes in our obedience. He might have an idea of how He thinks it should look for us to complete what He's told us to do, but our execution of it might be far from His vision. It doesn't make it count less, it just might have taken us longer or made us more exhausted than it should have. And here's the beauty of it all, the ball isn't reaching the pins until it's done.

But with God, the doing is what's important. The fact that we are acting upon His direction is significant, even if we are doing things the hard way. He also knows that with repeated attempts our form will get better, things will get done sooner, and the glory will go to Him because we will most certainly know it wasn't in our own strength that we did any of it.

But it's so easy to get caught up on making things want to look pretty! I can't even tell you how many pages I've ripped out of journals because I felt a need to start over and make it all look pristine, flawless, perfect. I'm not sure why some of us have such a predisposition to that, and I'm not even sure I know how to stop it. I just know that I'm working on it.

And here's the thing: if God expected perfection, we'd all be in a heap of trouble. And if He was really up there waiting to smite us, none of us would be vertical. Hopefully someday soon we'll believe that, if we are still breathing, it's never too late to start over. Even if that means we start over seven times a day. Because until He calls us home, the work He started in us is still be worked through to completion.

Father, I can't praise You enough for Your patience with us to not only see things through to the end, but to let us fumble our way there. Remind us often that You know our heart is in it, even when the doing isn't as pretty as it could be. You are much more concerned with our obedience than you are with unblemished work. And when we reach the finish line, our loudest boast will be in what You did through our jars of clay. Amen.




Thursday, March 30, 2017

Yet

"Just because you don't, or can't, acknowledge Him, does not stop Him
 for an instant from loving you, caring for you, being concerned for you, 
and wanting a relationship with you."

Yesterday I had an unplanned conversation with a friend. I was getting ready to go home and saw her pull in to her driveway. I've never been one to just 'drop by' because I was in the neighborhood. I always feel like I should call, or try to make plans, or send a text first. Unfortunately the reality of our world says that plans usually fall through and spontaneous sometimes just works out better. Apparently this must be in my genes, though, because I had an uncle that would do this. Maybe I need to pick up where he left off.

During the course of our conversation I said a few things that were God's voice directly to her. She even mentioned the fact that she could show me the text that she'd just sent using the exact phrases I had spoken. That glimpse into God's goodness for me was just another reason to praise Him for that little nudge to look up when I saw her pull in.  That tiny act of obedience felt amazing.

I knew she had some stuff going on just like we all do. And while I could have sent a message through facebook, sometimes human contact is so much better. As we continued to talk, I didn't tell her anything I hadn't said before in other conversations. I'm nothing if not consistent predictable. And I think she kind of loves me for it.

When I got home I was thinking about some of the things I'd said. As I was replaying it all in my mind, I thought of a way I could better explain what I was trying to get across. She had mentioned that she's had these little revelations of God but couldn't quite call them that because she isn't in a solid relationship with Him yet. I told her that even if she cried out to Him, not fully knowing Him, that He would still hear her because she is His child regardless. But if I could go back and start this conversation again, these are the words I would say:

If a mother were to give up a child for adoption, every day for the rest of her life, she would still love that child. Even if the child didn't know she was adopted, the love of the birth mother would not diminish. It would always be there whether or not it was reciprocated, acknowledged, or discovered. That's how I believe God loves those who don't know Him yet. Just because you don't, or can't, acknowledge Him, does not stop Him for an instant from loving you, caring for you, being concerned for you, and wanting a relationship with you. He's just waiting for you to realize that He is the answer you have been searching for all along. And when you do, He has every intention of revealing every way He's been there the entire time.

When I first truly discovered the love of God in my life, I cried like a baby. It wasn't pretty. But anyone who saw me that night would have never questioned my tears because they would have understood. I may not know when His love will flood her heart, but I do know He's been pursuing her for some time now. And I am certain that the day is fast approaching when she will discover a love like she's never known and it will heal every wound she's ever endured.

Jesus, thank You for the love You've shown me and the way You use me to let others know about You. You open doors, You open my eyes to opportunities, and You never cease to do more than I could ask or imagine. I pray that You would bless her and capture her heart like You did mine. And when her tears come, help her understand that You have always been right beside her, waiting for her to see You standing there. Amen




Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Mis-Spellings

"God isn't into patch jobs or quick fixes. He is, however, into filling 
in the cracks we have created and tried to fix ourselves the easy way."

A couple days ago I had my husband pop the hood of my car to check the battery terminals to see if they needed to be cleaned. Upon inspection we noticed a considerable amount of stuff that needed to be addressed. So, I called the dealership, made the appointment, and went in anticipation of a quick fix. Sadly that's not quite what happened.

When I sat in the waiting room, I was suprised to hear my name so quickly. As you might have guessed, this wasn't a good sign. A young man came and sat next to me with a picture of my battery. He explained to me why the build up was happening and then showed me the crack in my battery. What was supposed to be essentially a quick fix was now turning into a full blown replacement. Needless to say I was in the waiting room a bit longer than I anticipated.

In retrospect, it was nice to just be able to sit for a few minutes with nothing to do but watch CBS This Morning. I rarely watch tv and so to just be there, completely unable to do anything else, was a nice change of pace. As you might have assumed, there was talk of politics and they were interviewing Senator McCain. (I promise this isn't a politcal post.)

As is the case with most waiting room tv's, the closed captioning option was selected. What's fun about this option is that what comes up on the text may not match exactly what the person said. Or, if it does match what they said phonetically, it still isn't the right set of words.

Senator McCain mentioned the Ukraine. Instead of spelling out the country, it spelled out two words: you crane. While in the moment the error made me smile, almost 24 hours later, it seems rather prophetic.

So many of us are striving for things we think are going to make us happy. More money, a better house, a newer car, a prestigious career. But none of those 'things' are going to fill in any cracks we might have in the battery that keeps us running smoothly. Our hearts aren't designed to be maintained by temporary pleasures, they're made to be maintained by an unlimited supply source. A source that prevents corroding build up, a source that keeps the terminals properly attached to supply the energy needed to function, a source that allows everything good to flow from it.

So often I find myself craning my neck. I try to stretch it out to see as far into the future as I can because I want to know that things are improving, that they will someday be better, and that the difficult moments will pass forever. But one of those I can only see the evidence of through what God clearly reveals and the other two won't become reality until I'm in heaven. And so continuing to stretch out as far as I can seems a rather fruitless notion.

As I read Romans 5 this morning, the words in verse 5 made my cracked heart soar: 

And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured 
out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

God isn't into patch jobs or quick fixes. He is, however, into filling in the cracks we have created and tried to fix ourselves the easy way. But like all short-cuts, they usually end up delaying the intended outcome.

I wasn't thrilled that what I thought would be a minimal cost repair turned into a much bigger expense, but if getting me alone in front of a tv is what the Lord needed to do to tell me something, then I can say it was definitely worth every penny. Even the most secular of things, in His hands, is a powerful tool. Mis-spellings and all.

Father, every time I forget just how creative You are, You pull out all the stops to wow me. Thank you for pursuing my heart even in the most mundane task of sitting in a waiting room. Your grace is not just limitless but also uninhibited by location. If craning my neck will be a hard habit to break, help me to only stick it out as far as it will go in seeking You.  Amen.


Tuesday, March 28, 2017

TKO

"Be encouraged with the knowledge,
 that in all of our imperfections, 
He loves us madly anyway."

This morning I read Luke 22 and by the time I was done, I felt like I'd just left the ring after fighting for the heavyweight title. There were a few hits I took in this one that I wasn't expecting. Thankfully my guard was completely down and God had His way straight into the heart of a few choice matters.

Round 1

In verses 31 and 32, Jesus says, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

I am all in for reading the words of Jesus. But sometimes I really believe it is just as important to read what He doesn't say as much as what He does. Jesus said that He prayed that Simon's faith would not fail. Why? Because He already knew that his flesh would.

As much as we might like to think that we have grown in our walks to the point that we remain above reproach in all circumstances, at all times, that simply is not reality, the human condition, or possible. Jesus knows this. It's why I believe He prayed that Simon's faith would not fail. If his faith remained in tact, then he could turn back. He could acknowledge that Jesus knew his faults, shortcomings, and future failures and loved him anyway. And in keeping his faith protected through prayer, Jesus knew the future role Simon would fulfill in order to encourage and strengthen the others.

Round 2

In verse 46 Jesus tells the disciples to get up and pray so that they will not fall into temptation. I don't know about you, but when I think about falling, I imagine losing my balance or getting tripped up by something I wasn't anticipating, like a step, or a wall. It also makes me think of being caught off guard and unprepared.

I would say that all of us have trigger points. Things that are almost like a reflex action. Someone asks you the right question, and you are more than happy to answer with exactly what's on your mind. That doesn't mean that what's on your mind is what you should say, it just means that's what's coming out.

I have learned to identify a few of my triggers. I can recognize them for what they are and have prepared responses for those questions and situations. It prevents me from falling into temptation and helps me to honor God with the words I speak. But it doesn't end there. It has to go beyond to my thoughts. Even if what I am thinking isn't audible, I need to also consider the purity of my heart and pray about that trigger the minute it is pulled before any bitter root can even think about planting itself. This isn't easy, and I am certain I have triggers of which I am not even yet aware. But, being prayed up has had a huge impact on helping to identify them when they rear their ugly heads. Somehow God knows just the verse to bring to mind when He needs to mention an unsightly behavior.

But there is another aspect to this. The idea of falling into temptation also makes me think of Satan dangling the bait and waiting for me to bite. As much as I know my triggers, he knows how to distort them enough to make me fall headlong, again. He is craftier than we realize when it comes to getting us to grab that carrot with both hands. For me it usually comes with a phrase like this....."Oh, I thought....." Those words are dripping with a poisonous apple. The moment you hear them, shut down the conversation immediately because that will send you into a tailspin exlpaining just how wrong that "thought" was. #Experience #LessonsTheHardWay

Round 3

Verse 61 is where Jesus turned to look straight at Peter and Peter remembered the word He had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times."

I would first like to clarify that this is what did me in. Second, I would like to say that I don't have a theological degree of any kind and so this shouldn't even be written in light pencil. And finally, this is something I can say I have seen evidence of in my own life and I suspect that perhaps if you think about it, there might be some in yours.

Have you ever had your morning quiet time, read a devotional, listened to a podcast, gone to Bible study, left church after a great sermon and had Jesus whisper something in your ear, and His Spirit clearly convict you of a change or action you need to take? And subtly throughout the rest of the day, these gentle reminders come but you keep thinking.....later, I will, not yet. By the time you hit the third one......Cock-A-Doodle-Doo. Perhaps not audibly, but I now believe that if I get a soundtrack of my life when I get to heaven, there will be a background noise of roosters crowing in time to the beat.

And the winner is......

Jesus with a technical knockout.

As much as I felt shut down by the end of this chapter, I also felt encouraged. Jesus never has it in His mind or heart to condemn us. He wants us to learn and grow and in the process get closer to and more dependent on Him. If He didn't love me, He wouldn't take the time to wake me from my slumber. 

As I drove my 13 year old to school this morning, Sidewalk Prophets "You Love Me Anyway" was on K-LOVE. Rather than close with a prayer, I'm sharing with you a portion of the lyrics. Be encouraged with the knowledge, that in all of our imperfections, He loves us madly anyway.

I am the thorn in Your crown
but You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
but You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
but You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss
but You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night I still call out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
but You love me anyway





Monday, March 27, 2017

Held


"If I am praying every morning that I will be filled to the measure of all the 
fullness of God, either I believe He's doing it or I don't."

Most of my life has been filled with the fear of speed. I don't even know if that's really a thing or not, but it has always been a part of me. I would constantly use my breaks going down a hill on my bike, I would put myself in the grass to slow down on roller skates, I will throw myself off a sled into the snow, I can not stand being on highways, the only time I went skiing I had brusises on my thighs that lasted a month, and putting me on a roller coaster for the thrill of it is pointless because my eyes are glued shut on every hill. I have generally not let the fear stop me from the doing, but it has completely removed all of the enjoying.

Yesterday I watched a curriculum video that showed a woman riding a bike on a country road with her arms out to the side for balance. I remember seeing boys in the neighborhood doing that as a kid and judging them for incredible amounts of stupidity and foolishness. In my mind, riding with your hands not on the handle bars is the equivalent to throwing yourself off a cliff believing that God is going to save you. Not that He can't, but Jesus declared we are not to put the Lord our God to the test so why even attempt it.

But inside me, as I watched, was jealously. To see someone that free, with her hair flowing in the breeze, the sun shining on her face, and a look of complete calm was beyond anything I have ever experienced. How do you even get to that point? Is it even possible to maintain that as a lifestyle?

This moring my devotional talked about the leadership of Moses and his key to success. He knew that without God he was not capable of leading anyone, and until God agreed to send His presence with them, Moses was staying put. 

Reading this account makes me seriously question my hesitation to step out into what God calls me to do. No, I don't have audible back and forth conversations with God the way Moses did to reassure me of His proximity, but I do have a deposit guaranteeing my inheritance that is meant to remind me of all the things Jesus has taught me. And if I remember correctly, Immanuel does mean God with us, including me. If I am praying every morning that I will be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God, either I believe He's doing it or I don't.

I don't want my fear, worry, and concerns to stop me from living out the life He planned for me. And the longer I hold on to those handle bars, the harder it will be to let go of them. He's never once asked me to do anything in my own strength, or sent me out by myself just to report back at the end of the day. Perhaps it's time I realize that even though I can't physically see Him holding me up, I have to accept that His right hand always has a grip on mine.

Father, help me to remember that You are always with me because for some reason, I keep forgetting. Thank you for the visual reminder yesterday, and the verbal reminder today, that You never leave me, You will never forsake me, and that when Your presence goes with me, You also give me rest. Amen.



 

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Growth Chart


"Sometimes I think I focus so much on how far I still have to go 
that I forget to look back and see all the ground He's helped me cover."

When we have our babies, it seems like we spend more time at the pediatrician's office than we do anywhere else. There are constant weigh ins, measurements, and checks to make sure that they are thriving outside of the protective place they called home for nine months. As those appointments eventually slow to once a year, the growth chart often finds a spot on our wall where we can mark off evidence of what is taking place over time. What's ironic, is that there comes a point where we desperately want to stop seeing the physical changes because they are a reminder that the time is coming when they will soon leave us for good.

As I look at my kids and see how much they've grown and changed, it brings joy and sadness. I want them to be successful and do amazing things in their lives but I also desperately want them with me forever. The thought of not seeing them daily is too much for my mommy heart to bear. But because I can see their maturity increasing, their independence growing, and their abilities flourishing, I know deep down that they will be okay. I just wish I could keep a baby monitor on forever to always be sure that they are okay.

I wonder though if God has a growth chart on each of us. Does He watch our progress? Does He keep track of how far we've come? Does He cheer us on to victory and put a trophy in our room in heaven when we overcome? Do we have stacks of crowns waiting for us to cast at His feet when we get there?

More than that, I wonder if He gives us glimpses into what He sees so that we continue to persevere. There are days it's just hard to keep going when you feel like you're going nowhere fast. But are those the times He sends a word of encouragemtent, almost like a grace-filled post it on the bathroom mirror, meant to remind us of how far we've come? Sometimes I think I focus so much on how far I still have to go that I forget to look back and see all the ground He's helped me cover.

I don't know if keeping my own version of the Book of Chronicles would help, but it certainly wouldn't hurt. A place to keep track of the things I've done right. Not as a source of pride, but a reminder of what I was able to do with His strength. The times I didn't verbally respond without thinking, the opportunities I had to serve another and went straight to it, the moments I immediately deflected the glory to Him for what someone witnessed instead of praising Him in retrospect. All the things I know are a struggle to remind me that I am getting better, growing, and reflecting Him more and projecting myself less.

I won't know until I get to heaven if there are markings on the wall or a pretty banner with milestones that bear my name or not. But until that day comes, I want my focus to remain on how far Jesus has brought me and the joy He gives on the way.

Lord, Your perspective of me is the one I want to maintain. When You look at me, You see the blood of Jesus that has made me worthy in Your sight. Help me to remember that seeking my perfecter is what You desire and that perfection will come when I am with You in eternity. And in the meantime, I will praise You for the glimpses of growth You let me see.  Amen.




Saturday, March 25, 2017

Speed of Light

When I first became a Christian, I went into the local Christian book store, and found a devotional called 90 Days to a Heart Like His. I had not a clue who this author was. As a matter of fact, I had to do a web search to find out. And no, it wasn't a google search, because at that particular time, google was not the place to find all the answers like it is now. As I look back on that memory, I could have never guessed in a million years how picking up that one book would impact the rest of my life.

When I googled the name Beth Moore, I ended up finding Life Today with Betty and James Robison. Because I found that tv show, I found Wednesday's with Beth. Because I found Wednesday's with Beth, I found out that for her personnal 'in the beginning' she prayed that God would give her a love for His word unlike any other. Because I desperately wanted to have what I saw in her but could not verbally identify it, I prayed the same thing. Day after day after day. God answered that prayer. Oh how He answered that prayer.

While I still fan-girl over Beth, I have added heroes of the Bible to my fan-girl database. Of course there are the obvious ones like Mary, David, and Jeremiah, but there are also the less obvious ones, like the ones that got added today.  Their name? Guys with the mats. As much as I have thought (in a godly way) that I want to be like Beth Moore, I want to be these guys so much more.

Two men, one in Mark 2 and the other in John 5, had physical disabilities that prohibited them from walking. Both men were given access to Jesus. Both men believed Jesus could heal them. Both men were healed by Jesus and both men were told to take up their mats and either go home or walk.  AND THEY DID IT.

I do not admire them for their faith, I am not envious of their healing. I am blown away by their action. Seriously, mic dropped, how did they do that, action.

When I spend my time with Jesus daily, He speaks to me so clearly on things that I need to do. I pray for Him to give me that spirit of wisdom and revleation to open my eyes to all the things because I desperately want to live my life in a way that honors and glorifies Him. But for as much revelation as He gives me, for as much conviction as there is in my heart to do what He says, the action part feels like it is seriously lacking. 

But what if that's just my perception or the whispers of Satan telling me I'm not doing enough? What if I really have started the doing, one small step at a time, but I think I should be further than I am because I want to go at the speed of Jenn and not the speed of Light? Am I brave enough to believe that Jesus is continually working out the miracle in me that He started and will see through to completion?

When I think back to praying that God would give me a love of His word, I can see how that love has grown bigger and stronger than I would have thought possible. So maybe instead of keeping my eyes fixed on what I see as a far too distant finish line, I need to keep them solidly on the author and perfecter of my faith. 

Jesus, Your patience with me is something I will never be able to match. I expect so much of myself that You have never asked of me. Perfection is not your agenda and performance does not earn Your love. Help me to go at Your pace trusting and believing that the refining is happening even when it seems to me that I am still stuck on my mat. Remind me how far You've brought me and strengthen my faith to know You aren't going to just leave me here.  Amen.


Friday, March 24, 2017

What Love Does

Years ago I was at a dinner with my husband for a work related event. A co-worker of his said something to me that caught me completely off guard. She called my husband a member of the 'boys club' and essentially told me that we women need to stick together against such stances. Granted she had been drinking and was probably not completely aware of what she was saying, but while I was pregnant with our second child and prone to emotional mood swings, she verbally attacked my husband. This did not go over well with me. And because I was there to support my husband, rather than do the things that were running through my head as viable options, I walked away.

When someone we love comes under fire or is threatened in any way, our instinct is to go on the defense. Any (honest) mother will tell you that the child causing her child undue stress has been the victim of a mental, verbal tirade. It doesn't take much to bring out the lioness when one of her own faces harm.

In 1 Corinthians 13:7 Paul writes that love always protects. As you might logically conclude, always means always. However, I wasn't sure if his idea of protection was going to match my idea of protection. When I think of protecting, I think of defending against harm that has arrived or is imminent. But the Greek word used here in this context, stego, means covering to keep off something which threatens.

I stared at that for a couple of minutes because the idea of 'covering' caught me a bit off guard. Of all the things I thought the word might mean, that was not among them. As I sat quietly, God spoke to my heart and showed me that this isn't just a defensive act, but an offensive act as well.

In order to protect those we love, to cover them to keep something off which threatens, our most effective offense is prayer. Prayers to endure, prayers to make wise choices when temptation arises, prayers to guard hearts and minds with thoughts of Christ not worldly thoughts, prayers of all kinds on all occasions to bring peace. But it doesn't stop there.  We must realize that our spoken words play a signficant role in this covering. We can't look at our husbands and say "whatever" or "do what you want" and be fulfilling our role to protect if that which essentially threatens is us. And we can't unleash a verbal 'you never' or 'you always' on our children's behavior and think that we are doing them an ounce of good.

I would assume, that like me, most women who have uttered those thoughtless words have done so because they have felt under-valued or under-appreciated. But maybe instead we can opt to express our thoughts and emotions with what is really going on so that we can give others the best opportunity to respond out of protective love themselves.

Sharing our deepest needs will always leave us vulnerable and susceptible to being hurt. But it also leaves us open to experiencing deep intimacy in our relationships unlike anything we've known before. The question is, are we willing to put ourselves out there to know what it feels like to be protected by love?

Father, make me accountable to my words. I want what I say to build up and encourage not tear down and destroy. Keep me in constant prayer to protect those I love, covering them from what threatens. Thank you for the gift of prayer that allows me to be on the offense rather than the defense. Amen.


Thursday, March 23, 2017

What it says.....

At the beginning of this year I downloaded a Bible reading plan that would take me through a good portion of the Bible. I have loved following this plan daily because it has met me in the most astounding ways with what is going on in my life. That can only be God and it's been nothing short of amazing.

This morning I read John 15. While one particular part struck me very squarely between the eyes, there is also a practical application from another verse that inserted itself into a situation this morning.

A couple days ago I wrote about my car needing a safety recall for the passenger side airbag. Today was the big day to get this fixed.  No one was happier than my 13 year old so he can stop being a backseat driver. Every since he got promoted to the front seat when all four of us aren't in the car, having to sit in the backseat feels quite like a demotion to him. And just so you know, it's not inaccurate to label him a backseat driver by any stretch. He who has no license feels free to critique anyone behind the wheel.

That said, while my car was getting fixed the dealership called to tell me that I had a brake light out. I knew this might be technically true, but wasn't likely totally true, because my husband had just replaced both bulbs recently. I declined the service, and sure enough, the bulb just needed tightening.

That loose bulb made me think about what I had read this morning.  John 15:5 says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing." The problem with my bulb wasn't that it didn't work, it just simply wasn't attached fully to the source it needed to operate properly. 

It seems to me that I often kid myself about just how much I need Jesus to go about my day. I think I can manage some things without Him and will only bother Him with the important stuff, the big stuff, the heavy decisions. But this verse clearly states apart from Him I can do nothing. And the last time I checked, nothing meant nothing.

I can't be the best wife, the best mom, the best friend, the best steward, or the best of anything He calls me to be or do without Him as my power source. And I don't mean the best in a competetive or comparitive way, I just simply mean doing or performing any of my roles with excellence instead of mediocrity. In all the time I've been following Him, He's never once said Just to do the best you can and don't worry about it. That just isn't His thing. What He says is, Do it like you're working for Me and trust that I'll fill in the gaps. Big difference if you stop and think about it. For me to do the best I can, I determine my effort based on my perceived ability. Doing it like I'm working for Him lays it all on the line.

But that wasn't the part that struck me squarely between the eyes. John 15:10 says, "If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in His love." The part that stood out.....If you keep my commands, you will remain in My love. Do you know what it doesn't say? Earn. Deserve. Acquire. Gain. Merit. Be worthy of. Do you know what else it doesn't say? If you don't keep my commands, you will lose My love.

I'm not a theologian by any stretch, but I've been around long enough to have realized that we remain in God's love when we keep His commands because we don't hide from Him like Adam and Eve did when they didn't. We allow our sin to separate us from Him because we get too caught up in what we think He sees when He looks at us and the assumption that we've disappointed Him with our behavior. He's given us access to approach the throne of grace with confidence to find mercy because He would much rather we admit our faults and sins than run and hide.

There are definitely times when I don't feel worthy of God's love. I can be short tempered, judgemental, and as selfish as a typical 2 year old. But just because I don't feel worthy of His love does not mean that He sees me as unworthy of it. 

If it's true that Jesus came into the world to save sinners, that doesn't make me someone to avoid, that makes me someone to relentlessly pursue. I don't need to look further than the cross to understand that. Don't let the whispers of Satan that tell you that you aren't good enough. Quite frankly, you're worth dying for and Jesus is waiting for you at the cross.

Lord, You always know just what I need to hear, see, or experience, to make your point stick. Even something as simple as a brake light is powerful in Your hands. I can never thank You enough for finding me wherever I am and making sure I know how much You love me. Help me cling to You, to remain in Your love, and to run to You, not from You, at all times.  Amen.




Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Reminder

At the beginning of this year, I was desperate to find a planner that would not only be functional, but one I would truly use. After several failed attempts, I found one that has suited my needs perfectly. On one side is the entire week and the other side is a place to list things with open boxes to check them off as they are accomplished. On each individual day I write a reminder to myself that has to do with God. For example: I am not alone or without the help I need to be an overcomer and live in victory. But I do need to ask God for help in prayer.

On the page where I list the most important things I need to do for the week, I section off a portion with pretty washi tape to write my memory verse for the week. This not only keeps it fresh in my mind, but the added embellishment makes my planner that much prettier.

It wasn't until this year that I realized the critical need I have to write things down. I think a cross between getting older, daily stresses, lupus fog, and a tendency to forget things, has made it a crucial practice to keep me focused, on task, and completing the most important things, not the inconsequential ones. With three and a half months into the year, I can say it has been one of the best habits I have developed in 42 years of drawing breath.

This moring, I carried the practice over to what I read in my Bible. Typically when I journal or write while I am studying, I am writing things that I know I need to implement, study further, or pray about. This morning's reading however was Psalm 136 and required a slightly different approach.   After each verse the psalmist writes, he adds His love endures forever. It's a testimony of things God has done in dire situations and would remind the listener or reader to consider the evidence of God's presence in their life.

As I read it, I thought about the things God has done in my life and the character traits those actions have displayed. So rather than a typical post, I am sharing with you the reminder that perhaps you need today. May these forever enduring traits bring you peace in whatever storms you face.

God is good, perfect, able, sufficient, holy, strong,
steadfast, intentional, provisional, sovereign, purposeful,
mighty, freeing, satisfying, deliberate, healing, restoring,
reclaiming, resurrecting, redeeming, remembering.
He is all things, He is in all things, He gives meaning to all things. 
He defines all things, aligns all things, glorifies all things,
magnifies all things, illuminates all things, values all things. 
And nothing is worth anything without Him who is everything.





Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Beauty and the Beast

Our local library has what they call the Lucky Day collection. In it are the movies and recently released best-sellers that you can't request or renew. It's called Lucky Day because if you get there and find something you want, it is your lucky day.

When I strolled through the library on Sunday to pick up a movie for my 13 year old, I hit the jackpot in Lucky Day. While you can only check out 2 at a time, there were 4 I wanted. I went back and forth on a few but looking at each movie's length, I narrowed my choices to the best options. I left with Jackie starring Natalie Portman and Collateral Beauty starring Helen Mirren. (Yes, I know Will Smith is the main character, but I love Helen Mirren so she gets top billing from me.)

I thought on Sunday night we would all watch Jackie. Unfortunately the less than enthusiastic response I got from the people I carried, nurtured, and birthed, said otherwise. Needless to say, I acted like a two year old, pouted horribly, and went to bed really early. Not exactly my finest mothering moment.

As I get ready to see Beauty and the Beast today, it occurred to me that I have stark contrasts in my behavior from one day to the next. I think we all do. It just so happens that my toddler like tendancies reared their ugly head very recently and in close proximity to such an understandable analogy. While I am certainly not proud of the less than mature behavior I displayed Sunday night and Monday morning, I am mature enough to admit my faults and shortcomings.  Because it's only when I can name it and claim it, that I can be forgiven of it.

I do know better than to act like that. I do know that it proves nothing, leaves everyone unhappy (especially me), and does nothing to show the love of Christ. But regardless of how much I try to act like Beauty in most situations, I am just human with flaws, imperfections, and a host of inadequacies. And like Paul, I know what I want to do and should do, but instead I do what I hate. (Romans 7:15)

And so dear friend, I leave you with this. God never asked you to be perfect. He knows you can't be the perfect wife, mother, and friend at all times. He knows that you will have moments when you act like a spoiled child because you didn't get your way. And His love for you is big enough, His grace for you is sufficient enough, and His mercy in your weakness is steadfast enough, to restore the Beast in you back to the Beauty that He always sees.

Father, the grace you show when you take the time to reveal what I need to see, even when it's not pretty, is something I treasure.  Because even though no discipline is pleasant at the time it is given, it is always for my benefit.  Thank you for loving me enough to restore me the beauty you want me to reflect to the world.  Amen.




Monday, March 20, 2017

Need to Know

When I picked up the mail on Saturday, I was greeted with a letter from Subaru regarding a Safety Recall on my car. Of course the repair/replacement that is necessary will be done at no cost to me, but it's not something that was on my agenda for the week and now it needs to be because "Until this repair is performed, do not allow passengers to ride in the front passenger seat" is clearly an indication that this recall is kind of a big deal.

Don't you almost wish God could send a Safety Recall notice to us that was just as blatant about what we need to do, when we need to do it, and why we need to do it? I know He gives us His Spirit to guide and direct us, but wouldn't it be great to get something tangible that has a skull and cross bones on it saying DANGER ZONE? Think of the amount of grief and heartache we could avoid if we would just heed the call!

But the truth is, we probably wouldn't. Years ago I was getting ready to lead a Bible/book study with a group of friends through Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity. I don't remember much of the study, but there is one quote in that book that has haunted me for the last 6 years.  In this particular chapter, she is writing about our insatiable desire to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. She writes:

God protects what He directs.  But when our curiousity takes us beyond 
a knowledge that edifies and fortifies to a knowledge that exposes and 
terrifies, we might find that we are in for the psychological and 
spiritual battle of our lives.

I read those words probably two whole weeks before I needed to remember them.  That was my notice of a safety recall, warning that a danger zone was ahead. And I didn't heed it. I've been paying for it ever since. Because just like my notice from Subaru is telling me of the impending danger should the part that needs replaced malfunction, God used Beth's words to warn me what I was in for if I didn't allow Him to take the lead.

Safety warnings might come through a friend's words, the lyrics of a song, an author's book, or a blogpost you happened to decide to read because you stumbled upon it out of the blue. And if you have read those words, perhaps God is giving you the same heads up He gave me. I just pray that you take the warning more seriously than I did and let Him determine how much you need to know.

God, since the fall, we have had an immense desire to know things that are either too much for us to handle or too magnificient for us to understand. Help us to trust that You always give us the need to know facts when we need to know them. We may not always welcome the information, but we will trust that You always have our best interest at heart. Amen. 



Sunday, March 19, 2017

Perfect Harmony

Whenever I'm in my car, I am listening to K-LOVE.  Somehow it seems to keep my road rage to a minimum because I am constantly being reminded that just as Christ has forgiven me I am to forgive other people....especially the bad drivers of the world.  But please understand that I am quick to apologize to my kids for any rage, malice, or slander that may escape my lips should someone pull out in front of me, forget to use a turn signal, try to change lanes at an unsafe distance, or whip around me quickly because apparently going the speed limit to merge into traffic from a ramp is unacceptable.  (FYI, it's usually the slander.)

Yesterday though, I was by myself to run a few errands.  And since no one was committing any major traffic violations that I could easily identify, I was free to enjoy the music and sing praises rather than profanities.  (In case you were ever confused or unsure, I am completely human.  I don't have a potty mouth typically unless I see or read something crazy.  Those are the times it would be best to remember to use my words.)

Anyway, Chris Tomlin's Indescribable was playing.  For as many times as I've heard this song, one particular portion of the lyrics just overwhelmed me.

After having read The Broken Way I have been hypersenstive to the concept of each of us being called to die our thousand little deaths in living the way God intended us to live sacrificially for the benefit of others.  If we each do our part as uniquely as we were created to do it, the impact we can have is immeasurable.  Our callings may be similar in nature, but in execution they should be as different as the flakes of snow that come from the heavenly storehouses.  God did that intentionally because He knows that the people in our cirlces of influence are going to respond to the way we do it, not the way someone else does it.  And every person that we connect with influences us for a reason and a season the same way.  I can't even comprehend what it took for Him to orchestrate this from the word GO but He did it and we each get to play a part in it.

But back to the song.....We know that God created everything.  Whether it's a rock, a deer, a person, or a cat, He created it all with purpose and intention.  We read verses of rocks crying out, birds singing, fields being jubilant, and mountains clapping.  Everything making it's own unique sound.  As Chris sang, "Every creature unique in the song that it sings," it occurred to me that it's saying each uniquely individual one, not necessarily each group of deer, or each group of tigers, trees, or babies. And they are all performing together, in one perfectly composed symphony, proclaiming Him indescribable and uncontainable.

For the girl who has music as her love language, this concept is magnificently beautiful.  Just think for a moment what the harmonies and melodies must be with each of us singing our songs to Him and what that must sound like with perfect heavenly acoustics.  Not only are we God's masterpiece created in Christ Jesus to do good works prepared for us in advance, but when we do them, we make a sound that is important in the grand performance of an orchestra that includes everyone.

For as much as I have always enjoyed the concept of the streets of gold and tears being gone because there is no sadness or pain in heaven, I think I am most anxious now to hear the recording of the song that started in the beginning.  And I think as a special bonus track, we'll each get to hear our part and how it contributed to the whole.

Father, sometimes I forget just how creative You are.  I put You within the limits of my own mind and it seems like the moment I do, You take the time to blow me out of the water with something so profound and personal.  Thank You for the reminder that You are completely indescribable and uncontainable.  Amen.



Saturday, March 18, 2017

If I told you my story

"What is always true is that the decisions we make today determine the stories we tell about our lives tomorrow.  Every day, all day, we make one small choice after another.  And those choices just keep accumulating, each one woven into the rest, forming the tapestry that is our life story."  Craig Groeschel, Divine Direction.

If I were to take a step back and look at my life, I would see the interworkings of a clock.  Each part, moving in sync with every other part, going around in circles, to keep things running just as they always have.  And while the purpose of a clock is to help me mark time and make forward progress, the idea of clockwork in my life is nothing more than a vicious cycle of the same things over, and over, and over again.

A few days ago I read the Parable of the Seed Sower with the different types of soil.  As much as it pains me to admit it, I have all 4 types in my personal little garden, and the fertile one probably occupies the smallest plot.  It's not that I want it to be that way, but I often get distracted, disillusioned, or disengaged from what God is working to accomplish for one reason or another and therefore, just like the clock, things keep moving along without going anywhere, the same as they always have.

There is a part of me that thinks I've been subconsciously aware of this faulty behavior for awhile but until I started writing, and really thinking about what I'm reading with great intention and deliberate attention to what it means, I think those little seeds have sprouted quick and then died even quicker.  But yesterday something happened that woke me up to this in a particular area of my life that made me see that God was going beyond out of His way to get my attention.  It was almost as if He was saying, "Enough is enough.  We are doing this now, like it or not."

While the matter is personal, I will share at least this much.  The Hebrew transliteration of the word that caught my attention has significant personal meaning.  And in case I was questioning the validity of what I thought God was trying to tell me, the number of times it is used sealed the deal.  #Nickname #Birthday

And so this morning, as I woke to do my quiet time, not only did I read Isaiah 43:19 about forgetting the former things and seeing the new things but I also had to read Isaiah 5 about how God has given us everything needed to have a fertile vineyard, yet horrible grapes are being produced.  Clearly, I had to know what would cause the bad grapes and so I started with Isaiah 1 and found the clock I was looking for: rebellion, forsaking the Lord, and backs turned on Him.  And because He often feels a need to keep it coming with me because He knows I am thicker than the fleece Gideon put on the ground, He pointed out the injured head, the afflicted heart, the lack of soundness from head to toe, the wounds, welts, and open sores that are not cleansed, bandaged, or soothed with oil because.....you guessed it:  rebellion, forsaking the Lord, and a back turned on Him.  (On a side note, if you read Breathe, you will understand why the Isaiah verse was so profound.)

And so here I am at a crossroads ready to make a decision that will determine the story I tell about my life tomorrow.  Will it be one of a vineyard that floursishes under the great care of the vinedresser or will it be one of someone who attempted to care for the grounds alone?  It seems to me that the smart choice is to take back the fertile hillside, allow the stones to be cleared, let the choicest of vines be planted, to allow the Watchtower to fulfill its purpose uninhibited, and to let the Winepress do its job to get the full, fragrant sweetness that comes from the pressure needed to get to the good stuff. And with the grace of God, perhaps this will be the glass that is poured for me at the marriage supper of the Lamb.

God, I will never understand why on this earth You put up with me.  All I can say is that it must be love.  And if You are putting this much effort into getting my attention then the only response I can have is to be a living sacrifice that does things Your way.  You're telling me that it's only when I am willing and obedient that I can be made white as snow and will be given the good things of the land to eat.  So I humbly ask You to bend me to Your will and Your ways and to let the story my life tells be the one You wrote and planned before I was born.  Amen.



Friday, March 17, 2017

Breathe

There is a scene in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2 where Harry is 'seeing' through Voldemort's eyes.  There is a dangerous nature to the connection of their minds.  Hermione cautions Harry not to keep letting him in, but Harry admits he can't always help it, or if he can, he doesn't know how.

This is how I feel sometimes.  Satan comes with his accusations, dragging up painful things of the past, and just starts throwing his fiery darts my direction.  And sometimes it seems like no matter what truth I throw his way, he just keeps coming at me from different angles and I can't deflect them quickly enough.

But when what's over and fogiven isn't forgotten, it almost seems impossible to extinguish those arrows permanently.  Especially when you have memorial stones that remind you of God's faithfulness.  It's easy to want to focus on all of the good, but when fear starts creeping in, it overtakes you and leaves you gasping for air.

And so you do the only thing you can do.  You breathe in God's breath from the pages of Scripture in hopes of performing a holy kind of CPR.  You inhale deeply as much as your lungs can hold and try desperately to push all of the toxic air out from your lungs.  You do this again and again and again so that the lies and fear will quit poisoning your mind.  And sometimes you recover quickly and sometimes you need to wear an oxygen mask to keep things steady.

There is not a single one of us that can predict with 100% accuracy when the arrows will fly.  It seems to me that the more you are walking with Jesus, and the more desperate you are to get better, the greater the frequency.  And I would suppose that each time that flicker of flame grazes against my unprotected flesh, a refining is happening, and the ashes will be turned into beauty, and I will need to perform another round of that holy CPR.  Because the truth remains that Jesus is the only one keeping my heart beating, continually putting air into my lungs, and bringing these dry bones back to life.

Father, a million times we have heard forgive and forget.  But if we forget, it means we will also lose the reminders of Your faithfulness in the valleys we have come through.  And so we thank You for the lifeline that is Your word.  I pray that we would always immediately run to You for shelter and trust that the pain is a part of the refining process that makes us cling desperately to You.  Amen.



Thursday, March 16, 2017

A Little While

One of Alan Rickman's last movies was Eye in the Sky.  The movie is about radicals that are wanted for their terrorist activities.  The plot of the movie is to capture, not kill, so that they may be tried for their crimes.  However, through an unexpected turn of events, the mission changes for the greater good.  The 'eye in the sky' is the military's ability to see what is happening in order to ensure a successful outcome.  The movie was excellent and has given me a greater appreciation for what those who serve our country either in the government or military must deal with and the difficult, and almost impossible, decisions they are responsible to make.

As we go about our days, we only see a portion of what is going on around us.  We may see someone over-reacting to a situation in a store and think they've likely lost their mind, but we have no idea what initiated the response.  Chances are it wasn't what they are frustrated with in that moment. Their marriage might have just ended, they might have gotten a call from a doctor, their child could have made a costly mistake, or any number of other things that are invisible from our perspective.  And while I am not excusing unkind behavior, I am asking that we consider how much we don't know before we form opinions on what we do.

In 1 Peter 5:10 we read:  And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.

I do not know a single person that likes to suffer.  Pain is not something we are likely to volunteer to experience.  Unless it were to spare somone we love.  If you have ever thought that you would trade places with someone if you could, you understand.  You want to bear their pain for them so that they can stop suffering.  With the focus being on love, the thought of suffering is considerably more tolerable and perhaps even joyful.

The dilemma though, is that when we don't understand why we are suffering, we often are desperate to find the reason.  And the reality is, we probably won't.  Not now anyway.

But what if we were to pick up our crosses and carry them believing that we are suffering to spare another?  What if we are enduring it so that someone we desperately want to see in heaven finds their hope in Jesus because they are watching us?  What if the situation we so desperately want to change is in fact God's grace reaching out to those who don't know Him yet?  Can we have faith enough to believe it's not without purpose to persevere until He does restore us?

2 Corinthians 5:20 reads:  We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God was making His appeal through us.  Just like Jesus suffered and died for us, we are called to suffer and die to self for the sake of others.  It is the ultimate act of love.  Sometimes I think a lot of my suffering is self-inflicted in the form of resistance.  The harder I push against what is trying to change me, the more exhausted I become therefore increasing the suffering.  But if I were to bend to His touch to reshape me?  Not only would it hurt less, but I would know I am being shaped into something more beautiful.

I can't say I believe that any of us will welcome suffering with open arms, or invite it with enthusiasm.  But my prayer is that when it finds us, or we are called to it, that we will rely on the promises of God to restore us after we have endured it for a little while.  He can see all of what is happening and why.  The only thing we can do is ask Him for faith strong enough to believe He is for us.

Father, help me to submit to the things You have called me to endure that I wish I could change. Give me the faith to believe that it all has a purpose and that if I were to know it, I would have volunteered anyway.  You have called me to walk by faith and not sight, trusting that You are good. Thank you for the ability to look back and see Your faithfulness in the past to strenghten me now.  I know You are good, that You are able, and that You are always for me.  Amen.



Wednesday, March 15, 2017

The Hardest Question

Conviction:  (in my own words) the ability of the Holy Spirit in you to make you realize something you didn't know or understand before.  It might be a sin you need to turn from, something you need to start doing, something you need to stop doing (not necessarily sinful), a promise given over a circumstance that basically reminds you to let it go, a new application of a verse you've read a hundred times but now has a completely different meaning for the time and place you are in your life. Bascially, God speaking to you in a way that lines up with Scripture to make you 'get it' whatever 'it' may be.

The easiest way for me to explain this is like this.  Exercise in and of itself is not a bad thing.  Exercise is good for your body but can undoubtedly be taken to unhealthy extremes, particularly if you are using it to achieve something that is not God-honoring (like turning other heads in jealousy #SelfishAmbition) or as punishment for lack of self-control with food (#Gluttony).  And so for some of us that have a sinful nature that sways between the two extremes mentioned, 1 Corinthinians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God has a personal application in that particular area of our lives.  For me I tend to fall somewhere in the gluttony arena and envious of the shape I used to have that after 2 kids and 20 years of time, I don't know that I can get back or am disciplined enough to get back, or that there is a point to getting back.  I'm working on this.  A lot.

After reading The Broken Way, I understood what it meant to be a part of the body of Christ from an entirely different perspective.  All of the sudden I could see bearing my cross as a way of dying to self so that others might live, seeing what was possible, if I could/would just do my part.  I could get why we each have our own time and place and burdens and thorns because we each have a purpose that allows us to serve God's kingdom plan and others.  This swirls in my head constantly and is why I am drawing this cross on my wrist daily.

This morning the Bible reading plan I am following had me in 1 Peter 1.  This is the one that starts with the trials that prove our faith genuine.  This passage is familiar.  I was anticipating the next parts when I stopped dead in my tracks at 15, because as you might have guessed, it followed verse 14.

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived
in ignorance.  But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.

In the time it took me to read those verses and completely halt my progress, it occurred to me that once you have been convicted you are called to be an obedient child, to no longer live in ignorance, and to be holy in what you've been called to.

And, as if that weren't enough, verses 18 and 19 continue with this:

For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were
redeemed from the empy way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, 
but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

But wait, we aren't done yet.  Verses 22-23 are the knock out that puts you down for the count.

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have 
sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.  For 
you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable,
through the living and enduring word of God.

I think if Paul had written this I'd have handled it much better.  But it wasn't Paul.  It was Peter.  The one who denied Jesus 3 times.  The one Jesus asked "Do you love Me?" three times.  He is the one that put these words to papyrus through conviction of the Holy Spirit.

The connection for me was undeniable.  When God uses His Spirit to reveal something to you that is of kingdom value and purpose for your time, place, and purpose on this earth in His story, He is essentially asking you the same question:  Do you love Me?

The importance of me getting this and doing this simply can not be over-estimated.  I don't know what if anything it means to you.  But what I do know is that if I live my life to honor God in all I do, the overflow of my love for Him should be spilled out on everyone.  The likelihood of me making a choice of mass destruction decreases because I am allowing the conviction of the Holy Spirit to make a difference in my actions, thoughts, behaviors, and words.  It doesn't mean I can't get it wrong or that I won't get it wrong, it just means the odds are slightly in my favor because I am focused on being holy because He is holy.

We are called to be the body, we are called to build one another up, we are called to die to ourselves, live for Him, and carry our cross.  Until today I never saw it in light of Him asking me the hardest question I will ever have to answer, because in answering it, I can no longer afford to act as an ignorant child.  And so as I say, "Yes I love You" in response, some things need to change, now.

Jesus, even when it's a hard word to receive, it is still a good, living, active word that I need. Desperately.  This is something I know you've been building up to because You laid ground work to open the eyes of my heart to see this.  I am going to need to rely on Your sufficient grace because I simply can not do this on my own.  But mercifully, You have never, and will never ask me to.  Help us get this one right.  Whatever it looks like in our individual lives so that we can see more glimpses of Your kingdom until You come again.  Amen.



Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Where Hope Belongs

When my kids come home from school Monday through Thursday, there is a standard routine in place.  Lunch boxes must be put on the kitchen counter immediately so they can be emptied and the reusable parts washed so I can prepare the next day's lunch.  On Friday, however, the lunch boxes are put in the same place but the water bottles, thermos, and sandwich container go in the dishwasher because I don't need to pack lunch again for 2 days.  Friday's make me happy.

Yesterday, in anticipation of what was supposed to be a spectacular snow event with the promise of a delay, if not a cancellation, I put all the things in the dishwasher thinking I would not need them again until tomorrow.  Unfortunately after watching the 6 o'clock news, I soon realized I was probably being optimistic.  There seemed to be a back peddling on the severity of the weather. Needless to say, we woke up to no snow.  Not a dusting, not flurries in the air, no snow at all.  My heart sank.

While the older of my two was reasonably okay with the reality of a regular school day, the younger one and I were devastated.  I desperately wanted a pajama day, snuggled under blankets, taking a nap, watching a movie, and not feeling guilty to be completely unproductive.  I cleaned yesterday and did 3 loads of laundry in anticipation of this relaxing day.  Needless to say, it's snowing now but it's about 6 hours too late and it's not going to last or accumulate to much of anything.

Yes, I am slightly irritated with the epic fail of the forecast.  But, like I've learned so many times before, faith put in human flesh and blood is likely headed toward disappointment.

As I woke this morning to find the ground uncovered and my car absent of layered, white beauty, I did open my Bible and find that God's promises still rang true. Regardless of how our hopes may be dashed by the world, our hope in Him is never misplaced, misguided, misdirected, or misapplied.  It's always exactly where it should be.

While Snowmaggedon 2017 is a bust for today, winter is not over, God is still able, and my hope remains vibrant in Him.  Because the reality is, He is the One in charge of the storehouse and if He really needed it in our corner of the world today, He'd have delivered it exactly as predicted.


Monday, March 13, 2017

A Perfect Example

This is not something I am proud of, but years ago, I was the mom who enrolled her kids in every imaginable VBS I could find during the summer.  I needed to keep the kids occupied when they weren't in school, especially so I could have a moments peace when they went from being away for several hours a day to home constantly with no transition time.  I was the mom that freaked out when delays were called because of how it impacted my day, and hated the cancellations because I knew it would only be a matter of minutes before the fighting, screaming, and whining started. (most likely from me)

Then one day in December of 2012, my perspective completely changed.  The horrible tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut, not only adjusted my attitude immediately, but changed something in my heart forever.

Up until that particular incident, school related tragedies had been perpetrated by students.  This one, however, came at the hands of someone completely outside the school community.  That put a fear in me like no other as a mom.  It's one thing to have to worry about what someone in a building might be planning, it's another to factor in the rest of the world.

As my husband and I attended viewing hours for a friend's father yesterday, seeing the pictures of him through the years and the notes his kids had written him, thanking him for various things, gave me a reason to pause and consider the type of impact I'm having on my kids.  Will they remember me rushing them from one activity to the next during summer to keep them out of the house, or will they remember when something changed and mom was all of the sudden happy when we were home and devastated when summer ended?

For the past 3 days, I have been praying that tomorrow's anticipated snowstorm will be enough to cancel school.  With kids in middle school you have these moments of awakening when you suddenly understand that time is passing quickly and they won't be with you forever.  And no amount of begging to live at home during college years seems to be working at this point.

Being a parent is not easy.  There are challenges when you see your kids making less than stellar decisions and you immediately want to jump in to fix it.  Your heart aches when you see them struggling knowing you can't make it better.  And heaven forbid they are hurt.  Seeing your child in pain is undoubtedly the most traumatizing of experiences.

Understanding how I feel about my two, gives me a much greater appreciation of what it must have been like for God to watch Jesus leave home, to live the life He was called to live, and die the death He was meant to die.  While my mind is limited to grasp it fully, I can imagine what that heartbreak was like.  What is beyond my capacity to comprehend, is that for as many of us have ever, are now, or will ever walk this earth, God is doing this repeatedly with each of us.  I only have to do this twice, He's done it billions of times and will continue to do so until Jesus returns.

Not one of us knows when our time will come.  All we can do is our best to make sure that the impact we are having on those around us is positive, intentional, and meaningful.  And if we are do to that successfully, we must rely on God's strength to see us through.  As humans, we will never get this parenting thing perfect, but thankfully we have a perfect God who can stand in the gaps where we fall short.

Father, I thank You for loving me perfectly.  You have never failed me and I know you won't fail the two children you have entrusted to call me mom.  Help me to look to the example You set as the perfect parent in what I do, what I say, in how I respond.  And help me to remember, that as much as I love them, You love them infinitely more.  Amen.



Sunday, March 12, 2017

Not Enough Time

Last night at church we celebrated communion.  The significance this has on me has increased exponentially since reading The Broken Way.  Understanding it from a completely different perspective, it has become more meaningful than it ever had been and for that, I am truly thankful.

After communion and before the sermon began, we sang one more song, How He Loves.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard or sang this song.  But somehow, singing it after communion, I became hyper aware of the lyrics and one part in particular.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets 
when I think about the way He loves us."

The word maintain is defined like this:  (1) cause or enable to continue (2) provide with necessities for life or existance; synonyms: preserve, conserve, keep, retain, keep going, keep alive, keep up, prolong, perpetuate, sustain, carry on, continue, support, nurture, feed, nourish

The evidence of God's love for us is plain every time we see a cross.  He sent His perfect Son to die for our sins so that we can have a relationship with Him.  Romans 8:32 puts it this way, "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"  And this doesn't even include that fact that when we accept Him, He takes our sins in exchange for His righteousness.  I may not be an expert on drawing straws, but from a human perspective, Jesus got the short one on that deal.  But what's amazing, is He doesn't see it that way. The problem is we do, and therefore, that lyric must become our personal anthems.

If we were to stop and think purposefully and intentionally about the way He loves us, why on earth would we maintain our regrets?  But we do, don't we.  It's evident in our thought processes, behaviors, and words.  We nurture our shortcomings, failures, and past sins, consistently reminding ourselves of our depraved states compared to our Holy God and His precious Son.  Call me crazy, but if my kids were constantly asking for forgiveness for something that happened ages ago, and were always believing the worst about themselves because of something in the past, I would be devastated. Especially if I had lavished them with a priceless gift to make sure they knew that all was made right.

Last nights sermon (which was fantastic) was the story of David and Goliath.  Pastor Billy Bob White said, "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God, but so does fear.  The one you believe is the one you listen to the most."  I submit to you though that this can be tweaked slightly to this, "Forgiveness come from Jesus, His blood, and the things God speaks over you through His word.  Condemnation, regret and shame, came from Satan and his desire to steal, kill, and destroy you.  Which one are you listening to most?"

I can not write this without honestly sharing that I struggle with this.  But I do maintain regrets that I can now look back and see how God's way truly was the better option.  To a degree I can say I knew His way, but He knows that without the relationship I have with Him now, I certainly did not understand His point of view.  And perhaps that is the gift of His grace.  Not that I can go back and make different choices, but that going forward I can equip those I love, espeically my kids, with the information they need to hopefully make better ones.  And while they will eventually decide things for themselves, I can only pray that if they stumble and fall, they too will hear the words of this song and realize they don't have to maintain their regrets either.

Father, I have wasted more time focusing on the wrong things than I would care to admit.  But in Your love, when I was ready to understand that, You made it clear that I don't have the time to maintain the regrets.  There are more important things to do like honoring You, living my life for You, and sharing Your love with others.  Thank You for such a gentle and sweet reminder that the way You love me is perfect.  Amen.


Saturday, March 11, 2017

Predictable

Back in September we were blessed with a second car.  This car has been a saving grace in our lives. We had been a single car family since our daughter was about 2 months old.  She'll be twelve in April.  It wasn't always easy, and there were times it was down right difficult, but God's grace was always sufficient in getting us where we needed to be, when we needed to be there.  Sometimes I swear you could hear the mountains moving when that happened.

Yesterday when my husband came home from work, I offered to let him take my car to the breakfast he and our son were going to attend this morning at church.  Knowing it was going to be cold, I thought he might truly appreicate the heated seats.  When I graciously extended this gift to him, he looked up from his spaghetti and meatballs and half said, half asked, "And so I can put air in your tires?"  BUSTED.  I sheepishly grinned and said, "Maybe?  Am I that predictable?"  Not that I needed an answer to that question, but he said yes.

When you've been together for awhile, you get to know the other persons patterns, habits, likes, and dislikes.  For example, asking him if he wants to go get ice cream would be pointless.  The correct way to approach this would be, "Let's go get ice cream," because I know he is not going to turn it down.  Likewise, if he is off on a Thursday, it would be silly for him to ask me if I want to go The Pub at WholeFoods for a $5 double cheeseburger.  He knows that I would never turn down a cheeseburger unless I was either sick or dying.  And if it were the latter, I'd likely make it my last meal.

But what's even more spectacular than spending your life with someone that knows you, is having a God that knit you together intricately and is keenly aware of every detail, nuance, emotion, feeling, and thought you have ever, or will ever, have.  And as if that weren't enough, throughout your entire life, He remains steadfast, constant, faithfully by your side, and listening to your every spoken and unspoken prayer.  He diligently holds you up, picks you up, and declares you worthy, loved, and precious.  Nothing will ever change His thoughts about you, towards you, or for you because He remains the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He simply cannot unlove you.  No.Matter.What.

There are many things of value in my life that have no monetary worth.  You simply can't put a price tag on relationships, memories, or experiences.  But of everything that I am blessed with, the most significant is my relationship with God through His Son, Jesus.  And though there are times I have neglected it, cheapened it, and taken it for granted, He has never once been anything but gracious, merciful, and compassionate to me.  And while He may be wildly imaginative in the ways He answers prayers and brings solutions to problems I can't ever see ending, I am forever grateful that He is as predictable as I am with His love.

Father, in 42 years You have never been away from me.  Even before I knew You, You loved me with a love I can never match in return.  Thank You for being constant.  Thank You for being near.  And thank You for calling me Yours.  Amen.



Friday, March 10, 2017

Beauty for Ashes

Next week Beauty and the Beast will be out in theaters.  When I first found out that Disney was going to remake this particular film with live action, I was hesitant but hopeful.  I was in high school when the first one came out.  Like so many other girls my age at the time, I saw it with a boy.  While I liked him a lot, he was not at that particular point in time, my boyfriend.  Oh, I wanted him to be, but at that moment, he was not.  During one point in the movie, when Belle and Beast were dancing, he leaned over to me and whispered, "Isn't this incredible?"  My heart leaped and began pounding louder than I thought possible.  And then he answered his own question with, "These graphics are amazing." And with that, my heart stopped.

While the relationship did eventually happen, ran a 5 year course, and ended, that particular moment of complete defeat has remained with me for 26 years.  It was a moment of rejection that I have moved passed but has always remained a brick in the wall I built up around my heart.  The same wall I am slowly but surely working with God to dismantle.  Sometimes I feel like I should change my name to Joshua and my mailing address to Jericho.

During Bible study this morning, we read Romans 8:28, a verse most of us can probably quote.  It's the one that says God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  Every time I hear or read that verse, I think about the Old Testament promises that God made to restore what the locusts have eaten.  To give back what was taken away, to restore what was destroyed, to repair what was broken, to give beauty for ashes.  And then I realized, after 26 years, that particular moment from my past can be replaced with a new memory, a better memory, the one that had been intended all along.

When I see the movie this time, I'll be seeing it with my husband.  The man I married sixteen and a half years ago.  The man that has loved me through all kinds of health issues, all kinds of crazy, every size and shape imaginable, five moves, two kids, one cat, three deaths, and so much more.  The man that loves me well, believes in me, and has held my hand, kissed me goodnight, and said I love you even when I was being a complete jerk.  The man who is perfect for me in every way possible.

Through the years there have been many times that God has found a way to creatively give me something back that I thought was broken beyond repair or lost forever.  But never has He been so creative or personal in that I get to see this movie again, for the first time.

I realize that this might sound trivial, but please know this.  God wants to restore more of your life than you can possibly imagine.  Even the things that you think are beyond mentioning or unimportant enough to ask for.  I can't say I prayed for this to happen, but I have no intention of missing God going out of His way to heal a part of my past that's been lingering longer than it should.  He knows I am doing the hard work of letting Him into the places I've marked off as abandoned or condemned and I will gladly acknowledge this because it brings Him glory.

I don't know what your Beauty and the Beast memory is, but I can promise you on the authority of His word, that He is willing to give you beauty for your ashes as well.  You just need to be alert to the creative way He might bring it about.  If He is willing to restore a memory 26 years old for me, I am certain He wants to do it for you.

Father, the fact that You do things in such a personal way, tailor made, so that there is no room to doubt Your love, is beyond comprehension.  Thank you for not only meeting me where I am, but giving me back a piece of my heart.  Nothing truly is impossible for you.  Amen.