Whatever is true

When my kids were younger they had several Lego sets. Now we have several lego pieces in containers. As soon as they would get a new set, they would build whatever it was. Sometimes with help, sometimes independently. And for a few days their constructions would remain exactly as they were designed. Fully intact, no missing pieces. And then one of two things would happen. Either (a) it got knocked over and pieces would break off or (b) they would get bored with it and re-design it a new way.

Through the years pieces would go missing and their sets couldn't be put back together properly. But worse than that were the pieces you couldn't pull apart. The 'flat' pieces that had no amount of space to leverage against one another to separate them. Broken nails and scrapes from butter knives were almost always the result. And sometimes I honestly wondered if the kids could hear the colorful monologue that was happening inside my head.

Our minds are such a dangerous place to spend time. We either remember things we want to forget, we forget things we want to remember, or we replay the worst moments of our lives because we are desperately searching for the missing pieces that will make it something better than it was.

Last night at church our pastor said something interesting about what happens when we suppress our emotions - it always comes out in unhealthy ways. Unfortunately I know this to be true. He suggested that we allow ourselves to feel all the feelings so that we can deal with them properly. My question is how do you do that when you've become so good at stopping them the minute they start, you don't even have a chance.

On the sermon outline one of the bullet points was this: "It's okay to say you're not okay."

As the service closed, I saw a few people crying. The envy that rose up inside of me was probably palpable. For 6 years I haven't truly cried. Yes, I've had occasional tears slip out; but, I haven't had a truly gut-wrenching cry for what feels like an eternity. Every time I think I have a shot, I push back down every normal emotional response. It is by far the most destructive habit I have ever had. And unlike when I quit smoking, there is not a patch that can help me stop doing it.

But for the first time in years, I have started to say when I am not okay. I am finally able to share what lies are stuck in my head that are keeping me from being okay. Lies of inadequacy, lies of believing I'm not enough and too much at the same time, lies that say I have to earn love. I never knew I was believing all of these horribly untrue things until I started reading again and saw other people writing what I swore were thoughts they'd stolen from my mind. 

And so for now, I am taking most of these things directly to God, because He is the safest place to turn with extreme vulnerability. And my hope is that as I come to terms with so many of these things, I will see that not only is it possible to get better, but that at some point in time, the road I am walking will help someone else get better, too.

Lord, I can't thank You enough for listening to me when I come to You desperate to say that I'm not okay. I pray that you would continue to replace my thoughts with Your thoughts and that You would use what I am going through to help someone else. And Lord, for whoever is reading this that is dealing with the same thing, I pray that You would give them a word of encouragement that frees them to come to You with their out of sync thoughts. We love you. Amen.

Filters

I have often said that a teacher can't turn off their teacher gene. Even if you aren't in the classroom, and haven't been for many years, you can't stop it. Everything you see, experience, or learn is a teachable moment. Every analogy, metaphor, and resource is filtered through the lens of a teacher and how you can use it to help anyone who is willing to listen, understand something new or in a different way.

The same holds true for Jesus followers. Everything goes through the Jesus filter. If something contradicts what you hold to be true, it sticks out like a sore thumb. It makes social media an interesting place to spend time, particularly when you see those with larger platforms telling you that you can achieve success if you just follow their simple steps. Um, no.

Recently I wore my favorite t-shirt. It says All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus. While some might find that sacreligious, if you know me, you get it. My coffee cup is 16 ounces and I usually have at least 6 of those a day. It gives you perspective on just how much Jesus I need. And here's why: Because I miss in my own life what I catch in others. #MoveThatPlank

Yesterday at Bible study we talked about confidently approaching the throne of grace and whether or not we can truly pray about anything. My comments were that we can because (a) God already knows what's pressing on our hearts, (b) if we don't, we can't have our thoughts and desires realigned with His if they are out of whack, and (c) if Jesus could go to God in prayer about asking for the cross to pass Him by and that was the entire reason He came in the first place, clearly nothing is off limits.

That said, I have a prayer journal and a devotional notebook about my fitness goals. Why? Because I have issues.

A couple days ago, I was challenged to write down the reasons why I want to be fit. I penned these three:

(1) To outwardly display what God is capable of doing through work on the inside. (When you have food issues and a tendency to over-exercise as punishment for your food issues, the heart is really what needs fixed.)

(2) As a temple of the Holy Spirit, I need to have optimal living conditions that encourage growth in every aspect of life. (Jesus could not care less about the number on the scale or my pants but He does care greatly about the physical, emotional, and spiritual effect it has on me.)

(3) To reach others in the world that either (a) don't know Jesus or (b) don't grasp what He is capable of doing with a willing heart in any area when submitted to Him.

Now for the connection.

Until I wrote out my reasons on Thrusday, I didn't really get them. When we talked about prayer yesterday, I thought more about the results of prayer like the peace that passes understanding and guards the heart and mind. And today as I wrote out  my prayer thinking about what I would be posting on social media with the link to this blog, it occurred to me that the 'side effects' I have from making healthy choices and working out are the good and perfect gifts from God, not the natural results of my own efforts. #Ouch

Anytime I have had success with my fitness goals or weightloss, I have consistently believed they were because of what I was doing. But anything I think I achieve on my own is competing with God for first place and He loves me too much to let me think I have that kind of control. It made me realize I was outlining my own steps to success instead of allowing God to direct them.

Clearly you can see why I need Jesus so much. I can't do anything on my own and think it has a chance to stand the test of time unless it is so deeply rooted in Him, I can be certain its foundation is strong and unshakable. And that has to do with what is motivating me, not the results. Anything that happens can be lost in an instant through an injury, accident, or situation beyond my control. But if my intentions are focused on the right things, whatever variations there are to what success looks like really won't matter; because what matters most is trusting Him with it all.

Lord, You are clearing a way in the wilderness that goes from my mind to my heart. And you are bubbling up streams in the wastedland that has been divided and devoted to the wrong things. Thank you for loving me enough to slowly reveal these truths when I was ready to receive them. Help me to be a strong witness for you in the way I live, not just what I can lift. I love you. Amen.

Unique Expressions

"You were sincerely sought because you are uniquely loved and are

a unique expression of God's love to others." Lisa Bevere, Without Rival

Until I read that sentence in Lisa's book, I never thought of myself as a unique expression of God's love to others. It's not a coincidence that I read that months after reading Ann Voskamp's The Broken Way and developed an understanding of exactly what it looks like to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Lisa's additional insight adds on an element I hadn't considered previously but now hope to embrace every opportunity I get.

When we think of all the ways God loves and expresses His love to us, I don't think we consider that we are a part of creatively displaying it to others. I think sometimes we just do what we're supposed to do because we know we are supposed to do it and are unaware that we do it differently than someone else would.

For example, perhaps your personal way of showing concern for someone is loving them well by praying with them in the moment. Your unique expression of God's concern for their needs and the reminder that they are never alone is different than someone who is more gifted by sending written words of affirmation that they can read and re-read as needed. Both let them know that God is with them and sees them, but the reminder comes in different forms.

So my question to you is this: how do you uniquely display God's love to others? What are your talents, natural inclinations, and abilities to be the hands and feet as only you can? Maybe your gifting is in your intuitive nature to let someone know you see them and asking them how they really are not how they say they are. It might be to lend a hand without being asked to remove some of the weight they are carrying and give them an extra moment of rest. And maybe it's as simple as realizing they need a loving touch and making them their favorite comfort food.

Whatever it is that you uniquely do, realize that God made you that way on purpose to express His love to others in a way that only you can. And while that expression will change based on the person, your creative acts will be received for what they truly are: the hands and feet of Jesus reaching out to love another in their need.

Lord, thank You for including us in Your plans to reach others. Open our eyes to the opportunities You set before us to be Your hands and feet. Help us to accept that there isn't a prescribed way to show Your love and that as we participate in Your mission, we are called to do it in the unique way You planned for us. We love You. Amen.

Consequences

If you have ever listened to Beth Moore, you have probably heard her declare herself blonder than she pays to be. If you know me personally, you know that my hair is not blonde because as I got older, it got darker. However, I can easily tweak Beth's self-assigned label to blonder than she appears to be. Case in point: I miss the obvious.

In my dining room I have a dry erase board. I bought it when my son was entering 5th grade becacuse I knew his math class was going to require some extra effort on my part. I thought it would be more environmentally wise than cutting down the number of trees that were certain to be sacrificed to help him with his homework. My theory not only proved to be true, but now it has been repurposed to one of the places I write my memory verse for the week. 

Anyway, I just looked at my verse and then glanced at the notebook where I take notes and journal thoughts about what God shows me during my quiet time. It's Thursday. I select my verse on Monday. I just realized everything I've written/read this week, has centered around this verse. #Oblivious

My verse for the week is Deuteronomy 13:4 which says It is the Lord your God you must follow, and Him you must revere. Keep His commands and obey Him; serve Him and hold fast to Him.

My notes for the week have included these statements;

4/24 Always be ready with an answer for why you think, act, and believe the way you do.

4/25 God is light; walking with Him keeps you in the light. It is only whe you turn away that you are in the dark.

4/26 Circumcision removes the excess that isn't needed for your heart to properly function

And then came today. 

The assigned reading for the plan I am following, 1 Samuel 15. #BasesLoaded #GrandSlam

The notes:

-Saul did 95% of what He was told, but the 5% he ignored cost him so much more than he imagined it would.

-Pleasing others and allowing yourself to be more focused on their plans/ideas than God's is never a good idea. (a) God should always be first (b) you don't know their true reasons/desires

-Our lack of obedience can have long term effects we can't even begin to comprehend; if even one opponent remembers what happened and passes the story from generation to generation, a root of bitterness and envy can be so firmly planted, God needs to be extreme in uprooting it. #Esther

And then came the last sentence penned in Chapter 15. And the Lord regretted that He had made Saul king over Israel.

This hit a nerve. I couldn't understand how God could possibly regret anything. And so I prayed. And I listened. And I looked. And I prayed some more. And I reread. And I waited. And I heard.

The word used for regretted is #5162, transliterated nacham, with the short definition of comfort in Strong's concordance and the addition of to console oneself in the NAS Exhaustive concordance.

There is Scirptural evidence that the Trinity has, feels, and expresses emotions. But one thing that I haven't ever seen before is God needing comfort. I knew we could grieve God and His Spirit inside us, but the thought never enterted my mind that He might need comfort to process what happened. What seems beyond comprehension is that only He can comfort Himself. Jesus turned to God in the garden, but God has no one to turn to but Himself. And unlike us, I don't think He is prone to emotional eating. 

What made me feel better about this is that He says He needed comfort over His decision to make Saul king, not over making Saul himself. Big difference. But as I stared at the words on the page, and continued to look, listen, and pray, I thought that maybe He needed comfort because He knows how our choices will ultimately effect us and others. And seeing us do things the hard way has to be painful.

If you aren't aware of the history, Saul's decision to not destroy all of the Amalekites is a catalyst that leads to the book of Esther. Whether or not Saul truly thought he was doing the right thing, I don't know. I can't judge his motives because I don't know his heart the way God does. What I do know is how easily my heart wobbles back and forth between motives that are pure and motives that are selfish. And this piece of history has made me realize just how critical it is to keep His commands and obey Him. Because the reality is, the sacrifice and offering wouldn't be necessary if we just do what we're supposed to in the first place.

I don't know what the thought of God needing comfort does to you, but I don't want to be the cause of it. If I would never do something to intentionally cause hurt to my husband, kids, or someone on this earth that I love, why would I ever want to do that to God? And the worst part is, just like with those here that I love that I know I will disappoint at some time, I know I will do the same thing to God, day after day until I am home with Him. And why? Because I'm human. 

I will make mistakes, I will make bad choices, and I will, despite my best efforts, fall short. But thankfully, His grace is enough, it is having an effect, and He will never give up on me because I'm too much work. He will see me through to completion and nothing can ever remove me from the palm of His hand where my name is engraved. And because of that, I will hold fast to Him and love Him with every part of my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

Lord, You have fearfully and wonderfully made me. You know every part of my inmost being. You know every thought I think and every word I will ever speak. And for that I am thankful because that means that despite what my actions may show, you know my heart. Father, remove from me anything that keeps me from clinging tightest to You and strengthen me to do what You say. Help me to love You more than anything else. In Jesus name, Amen.

Unfailing

What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Most of us have probably been asked that question at some point in time. While our answers are as unique and individual as we are, what makes it possible, is exactly the same.

2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that God has not given us a Spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline. These gifts aren't likely to be the top three things that most of us have come to mind when we think we are equipped to achieve our goals and dreams. But I believe they are more important than any amount of talent, determination, or education.

First, power. We have to remember that any ability we have to achieve anything comes from God. If He takes the breath out of us that He put in us, we are home with Him in an instant. If we can't even breathe without Him, nothing else we ever do whether it's writing a book, becoming a CEO, or raising kids that love and serve Jesus, was done in our own power. All of it came from Him. Just take a moment and think back to the days when naps were resisted and you somehow still managed to get groceries bought, dinner on the table, and a shower. That wasn't you, that was all Him. If we rely on His strength to do what He is pressing on our hearts, we have a power source that is unlimited. We just have to tap into it.

Second, love. I don't think it's possible to understand God's unconditional love, but I do think it's possible to display it. Several months ago, I told my doctor that I think the hardest thing for us to do is to love others unconditionally in all the ways they are different from us. But the good thing is we don't have to do it on our own we just need to focus on loving others as God loves us -without limits, boundaries, and ulterior motives. If we think of others and loving them well first, we won't do anything for our own benefit but for theirs. When our attention is on serving rather than gaining, in God's economomy that always brings a blesssing.  

Third, self-discipline. This one is so tricky. If we can't even breathe on our own, how on earth are we supposed to keep ourselves on task with so many distractions? I don't know that there is a single best answer for this, but I think it's a combination of doing everything we do as if we are working for the Lord not human masters, having the mind of Christ, and setting our hearts on things above. Judah Smith wrote two things in How's Your Soul that are relevant to this. (a) When your soul starts to consider an eternal God who is intimately involved in your existance, there are shifts in your thinking and priorities. Jesus changes things. and (b) Jesus thought about heaven, then earth. He looked at what mattered above and He let that define His values, emotions, and decisions on earth. If we follow the example of Jesus and keep God's priorities as the fuel of our purpose and mission, His ability to keep things in order will transfer to us and we will accomplish more than we think we can because we won't get sidetracked nearly as easily.

And so I ask again, what would you do if you knew you could not fail? Start a charity, go back to school, lead a Bible study? Whatever your answer is, if God is leading you to it, He is going to equip you with what you need for success: His power, love, and self-discipline. He just wants us to step out in the faith, knowledge, and confidence that He will see through to completion what He's stirring in our hearts.

Lord, all of us have dreams that have been planted by You. Remind us that more than resources and opportunities, we need your power, love, and self-discipline to fulfill Your purposes for our lives. Make us bold enough to believe that as You call us, You will see us through the process of working to bring You glory. Squash any fear that may be holding us back and lead us to the place where our trust is without borders. We love you. Amen.

Admissions

Confession: (1) a formal statement admitting that one is guilty of a crime (2) a statement setting out essential religous doctrine

Examples: (1) I am guilty of not properly caring for my body in the form of sleep deprivation when I know that God calls me to rest (2) God is faithful and just to forgive our sins when we confess them

These two definitions of confession have come to mean quite a bit to me since reading the chapter Free to Confess in Rebekah Lyons' book You Are Free. Honestly I hadn't done a lot of confessing of wrong doing or of God's goodness because I figured in both cases He already knew. However, in recent months, I've been working more on admitting where I keep falling short so that I can receive His help and acknowledging just who He is so I don't forget. Unfortunately one look at a major obstacle and I'm likely to forget that He's bigger than whatever is trying to stare me down. True story.

Anyway, this morning as I was studying, I sensed that there is another aspect of confession that might not be so apparent but comes with a blessing: confession of weakness. Just because you know you have an area of weakness, doesn't mean it's necessarily going to lead to sin. And I think confessing it releases God's power in us.

I don't know how many times I've read 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 about His power being made perfect in weakness. Probably at least dozens. But what hit me for the first time is that in order for God's power to be perfected, Paul had to admit he had a problem in the first place. Not that he was acting on it, or that it had lead to sinful behavior, but that he was struggling with something that he wished would go away.

If you've been walking with Jesus for any amount of time, I'm sure you've heard the standard phrases about Him not healing you until you will know Him as your Healer or Him not providing until you can acknowledge Him as Provider. I think this is the same thing.

When Paul wrote that we are saved by grace through faith so that no one can boast, I think God expected us to also acknowledge our weaknesses so that we know it's His power that helps us overcome them and not our determination, self-control, self-discipline, or self anything. He wants to make sure we know that we can't, but that He can.

I don't know that I've ever gone before His throne to say I can't do this without you. I think I've pushed myself through and exhausted every fiber of my being when He's wanted me to ask for help and then be still and let Him supply the power I needed to get it done. Moses gave a perfect example of this when he told God that unless the presence of the Lord went with them (the Israelites) that he wouldn't lead them because he knew he couldn't do it without God. (Exodus 33:15)

Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe it's just me that's straggling behind and doesn't seem to realize that God actually wants to help me, so that I can see His power in order to proclaim it to others. (Exodus 9:16) But if I'm not the only one, then I hope that you understand just how much He wants to power you, too. He never intended for us to do any of this living alone because if He had, He wouldn't have put His Spirit in us to dwell. It wasn't meant for just the big things, it was meant for all the things. We just need to be willing to admit we need help and then ask for it.

Jesus, I don't ask for help nearly as much as I should. I suppose I feel like I don't deserve it, that I should be able to handle it on my own, or that I'm going to use up what I apparently classify as a non-renewable resource. You set the pefect example for me to follow every time You turned to God in prayer. Help me admit my weaknesses and let me feel Your power work through me, on display for all to see. Amen.

Stand Out

Saturday night we had dinner with family to celebrate our daughter's birthday. We went to a great Italian restaurant we've all been to and love. While we were eating, my sister looked across the table at me and informs me that I have food on my chin. I took my napkin, wiped, and let her inspect. Much to my dismay, I missed what she was seeing. So - I tried again. Much to my chagrin I missed a second time. Not wanting to take any chances, I turned to my husband and asked for him to watch me wipe so that I could be sure to remove whatever food particle she was seeing. After a third failed attempt she asked me if I had a mole on my chin. Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Now, the table was large, and the lighting wasn't perfect, so it's not unreasonable for this to have happened. Needless to say she was suprised to find out that this mole has been there for quite some time.

But I wonder how often we go through our days seeing things that aren't there. Do we see failures that are actually lessons we are supposed to learn? Do we see delays that are intentional provision? Do we see chaos instead of divine intervention? And are we willing to look beyond our perspective and frustrtation to try and see things from God's point of view?

This morning I wrote this piece of wisdom to myself in my planner:

Focusing on Jesus keeps everything else in perspective.

If things appear crazy or out of sync, check your line of sight.

I have no idea if I'll remember that when I turn the page at the end of this week. But I do know that any moment I get distracted by shiny objects, all heck seems to break loose. And why? Because the only shiny object I should be seeking is the glory of God.

Michelle Myers is famous for reminding the women of She Works His Way to stay in our own lanes, running at God's pace in the race He marked out for us individually. It seems that whenever we look to our right and left, that's we end up falling flat on our faces because we're trying to overcome someone else's hurdles and are missing our own.

I'll be the first to admit I've looked around far too often trying to figure out how other people have acheived what I would love to do. But they aren't me, and I'm not them. God has made me uniquely to do things His way with my own creative spin, not theirs. And maybe that's why I'm finally writing; because I decided to breathe deep and be okay with who God intended for me to be and not a knock off of someone else. After all, designer originals are far more valuable than cheap imitations.

I don't know why we start to believe that we aren't already enough being who God created us to be. Maybe it's the airbrushed images in magazines or the commercials that claim to be able to give us the success we haven't achieved. But I think it's time to take our stand as daughters of the King of Kings and realize that we are not just valuable in His eyes but priceless jewels. Maybe then we can let His measure of our worth determine how we see ourselves.

Jesus, it is so difficult to block out the negative words and thoughts that permeate so many of our surroundings. We can't shield our eyes enough from images in check out lines buying groceries or clothes shopping in department stores. Help us to keep our gaze on You so that our perspective matches Your's not the world's. We may be in it, but You've told us we're not of it. Help us to stand apart from it. Amen.

Homeward Bound

This morning I woke up to the sound of a wind chime humming a single pitch and a single thought of the book of Exodus.

When I got up, made my coffee, and sat down to read my Bible, I read Romans 15.  

So, rather than a normal post, I am going to leave you with a challenge; an inspiration coming from the words of Romans 15:4. 

Find 15 minutes today and read something, anything, from your Bible. I pray that if you take this challenge, you will find the hope you need for whatever situation you are facing today or will face in the near future. Write down the encouragement you receive as a reminder that your God has gone before you and prepared the way, just as He did in Exodus. And let Him help you find your way home to the place He's always intended you to be: the land of your inheritance, overflowing with milk and honey.  

Eyes Fixed

Several years ago, I read something in Scripture that stopped me dead in my tracks. There are a few verses like Isaiah 41:10 that talk about God holding us up with His righteous right hand. There are also a few verses that talk about God holding us up by our right hand. For example a few verses later, Isaiah 41:13 says, For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you Do not fear; I will help you. Now, I am not a genius by any stretch but this caught my attention because I kept trying to think about it logistically. How can God hold me by my right hand with His right hand without that getting significantly uncomfortable?

Then I remembered a few other verses that talk about Jesus sitting at the right hand of God. One in particular was Hebrews 10:12 that says, But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, He sat down at the right hand of God.

Work with me here.

If God is sitting on the throne and Jesus is sitting on His right side, the only way He can hold me up by His right hand with my right hand is if I am facing Him. Let that sink in for a moment.

I, and probably we, tend to get so caught up in knowing what God's plans are, exactly what we are supposed to do, and where we are supposed to end up, that we forget that we are to walk by faith, not by sight, keeping our eyes firmly fixed on the author and perfecter of our faith. He needs to know where we are going, we don't.

One of my memory verses a few weeks ago was Ezekiel 37:14 which says, I will put my Spirit in you and you will live and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken and I have done it, declares the Lord. What I am wondering is if we can trust God enough to lead us to the destination He has given us as our inheritance without knowing where it is and how long it will take to get there? Are we willing to believe Him when He says that His plans are for our good, that His grace will be enough, and that our hope will not disappoint?

In a world where everything has to have a label, a five year plan, and actionable steps, it's difficult to do something that is counterintuitive and countercultural. But as we are called to be holy as He is holy, it reminds us that we are set apart and meant to look, sound, and act different. In God's economy we lose our lives to gain them and count worldly gain as loss. 

My hope is that we can take this truth about the way we are held and begin a journey with God, that is directed by God, with our eyes firmly fixed on Jesus. Because if we do, we can be certain that we will be exactly where He wants us, filled with His peace, and His purpose for our lives fulfilled.

Jesus, help us to be brave. Build in us the courage we need to walk by faith and not sight. Help us to trust that as we walk with You we are never in darkness. Hold us by our right hands, strengthen and protect us, and lead us where you plan for us to go. Amen.

The things we do for love

As a stay at home mom, I am often guilty of trying to 'do it all' and not wanting to accept a lot of help because I look at the things on my 'to do list' as my job. You generally don't delegate your responsibilities and so it's difficult to accept help, even when it's offered to give you a break. I'm working on this. It's not easy, but slowly, I am starting to let others give me a hand so that I'm not quite so frazzled. I suppose in the long run that works out better for everyone.

As I read John 13 this morning about Jesus washing the disciple's feet, it reminded me that acts of service are the things you see that need to be done and just doing them, whether you've been asked to or not. And while it's easy to see serving others as something that serves a physical need, I am beginning to understand it goes way beyond that.

An act of service can simply be a hug that lets someone know you see them and you care. It can be an extended conversation that serves with your time, just to listen and offer words of encouragement and hope. Or it can be engaging in an activity that you wouldn't typically pick for yourself, like watching a movie, because you know how much it means to the person you'll do it with. Doing these things isn't only good for your soul, but good for the soul of the receiver. Why? Because so many of us go from one thing to the next, without taking time to care for ourselves. Sometimes we need someone to force us to slow down, set aside the list of tasks, and just be with someone we love.

In a world where busyness is viewed as a sign of significance, and being unavailable as a symbol of success, let's make sure we are filling our time with things that matter. Things that will do more to impact our world becaue we built up another person. Things that say, "You are more important to me than you realize."

Jesus bent down to wash dust off feet. He knew it needed to be done, He knew what was coming, and He wanted to make sure His friends knew how much they mattered to Him. His act of service let them know there was nothing He wouldn't do for them. So, as the weekend approaches, think of something you can do that let's someone know just how much they mean to you. Think outside of the box to something that will speak loud and clear. And let them feel your love in a new and fresh way.

Father, open our eyes to the things we can do in Your name for someone else. Give us opportunities to serve others well. Help us to slow down and focus on the things that matter most. You've told us that others will know we are Your disciples by our love, help us show it willingly and often. Amen.

Do you hear what I hear?

Misophonia also known as selective sound sensitivity syndrome, starts with a trigger. It's often an oral sound - the noise someone makes when they eat, breathe, chew, yawn, or whistle. If you have a mild reaction you might feel anxious, uncomfortable, the urge to flee, or disgust. If your response is more severe, you might feel rage, anger, hatred.

I never thought much about this disorder because until social media, I didn't know it was a disorder. I always thought certain sounds irritated people just because they were irritating in and of themselves. And I know what noises annoy me:....the sound of someone typing, the sound of the x-box controller, gum chewing that would make you think a cow is somewhere near, and the sound of a spoon scraping a bowl or container.

While I don't know that I feel rage over any of these, I am known to leave a room or put on headphones to listen to music to drown out the offending sound. It works but sometimes I hate the fact that I think I am isolating myself from people I love because of this issue.

As I started to read a new book today, the author wrote something that made me think of this particular syndrome. In Without Rival, Lisa Bevere writes, "There is a very real battle going on for the strength of your soul. It is time you took your place in this world. Let's expose the lies and distractions and find out who you really are."

In John 8:44 Jesus describes Satan as a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father and the father of lies. 

What struck me is this. If you have a sound that irritates you, you immediately recognize it and can determine its source. However, when Satan whispers lies, we don't immediately recognize them for what they are. It could be because it's something we wanted to hear or because it's something we already believed to be true. But either way, we are likely to end up in a heap of trouble if we don't develop a form of holy misophonia towards his voice.

This is why I think it's so imperative that we flood our minds with the things of God. We must stay continually connected to Him through His Word and prayer. We must be deliberate about what we see and hear and continue evaluate and analyze any information that is entering our minds before it can ever make its way to our hearts. We have an enemy and he is doing everything he can to discredit our view of God, ourselves, and our individual callings.

I don't know why this hit me so hard today. I would suppose it's because I know how susceptible I have been to taking his half-truths and seeing them as reality. But as our worship pastor said a few weeks ago, Satan is famous for prophelying, and he is preaching the gospel of worst case scenario. And if we know this is his method of operation, it's time to start fighting back. God never intended for us to be Satan's victims but rather the ones who would stand firm in the knowledge of who our God is and who we are in Him: victorious overcomers in Christ who will not be taken down by a thief that only came to kill, steal, and destroy.

One thing at a time

Maybe this is true only in my life, but it seems that the longer I walk with God and the more intentionally I seek Him, the more particular He gets. I wouldn't quite describe it as picky, although there are times I certainly feel like I am being picked on. I suppose that the refining process isn't meant to be pleasant though.

This morning is a perfect example of a lesson I seem to either refuse to learn or am incapable of learning. I am not made to multitask. A few years ago that was supposed to be this amazing quality we should all be aiming for in our lives and use to describe our abilities in an interview. As a mom there are times when you simply must multitask for safety purposes. But as a human trying to make it to the end of the day in one piece, this is an inherently bad idea. Why? Because typically some completely avoidable mishap occurs that ends up adding more time to fix it than if you had done one thing at a time in the first place. In turn, this creates a stress reponse consisting of negative emotions and unkind words directed towards others that are being seemingly uncooperative and completely undeserving of such behavior.

Colossians 3:17 says And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord giving thanks to God the Father through Him. Now granted it is easy to apply this to the 'big things' like projects, or work, or volunteering opportunities. But if I can't get this down in the little things, like trying to make breakfast and then getting the coffee ready, the big things aren't even a remote possibility.

Yesterday one of the women I respect and admire most asked this: "Do we live our lives in such a way that it's always about the next thing we need to do, or do we really take the time to make sure that we're running at the pace God wants us to run?" The saddest part of that question? I only heard part of it yesterday because I was trying to do too many things at once and missed it. I just went back to the video prayer she posted to write it for you.

I don't have a clue as to why I always feel like I need to rush from one thing to the next, or get myself involved in too many things at the same time, but I've been doing this for a long time. And frankly I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't measure up or that I'm not enough. Maybe it's because I think I should have done more, accomplished more, or been more to more people up to this point in my life. Or maybe it's because I feel like there is never enough time to get it all done. Whatever the reason is, if I'm not moving at God's pace, I'm guaranteed to crash and burn. And that's an avoidable mishap I don't want to occur.

I don't know if this resonates with you, but if it does, perhaps we can help each other slow down. Feel free to leave a tip in the comments about steps you've taken or things you've found that have helped you stop running an endless race. We were never made to behave like the Energizer bunny that just kept going. Maybe it's time to stop pretending we're him.

Father, You have made it clear that I'm trying to run faster than You want me to, but slowing down has never been easy for me. I know You know that because You made me. I pray that You would show me, and anyone reading this, how to stay in step with You.  You've created individual races for each of us to run and there aren't any time trials here to disqualify us. Give each of us the rest we so desperately need from our frantic, over-scheduled lives, and help us to focus on doing one thing at a time. Amen.

When the bottom falls out.....

"Unless our foundation is firmly rooted in Christ, nothing we do will truly 

matter or have a lasting effect on us or an impact in our world."

In case you haven't figured it out, you should know that any time a blog post is coming up later than my typical 5:00AM, it's because I've got writers block. Some mornings God is so clear about what I am to write about that it just literally spills onto the keyboard and the words practically type themselves. And then there are the mornings like today. The ones where no matter how hard I pray, the concept is there, but the words aren't coming. Those are the days He always has some point He needs to make first before I write it out.

This past week I was reading Judah Smith's new book How's Your Soul? This book is a game changer in a lot of ways. The premise is that we are usually so focused on fixing or upgrading our 'outsides' that we forget that God is more concerned about what's inside. Additionally, unless we let Him be the one to fix the inside, the outside will never be right.

Towards the end of the book, Judah takes time to segment and explain Philippians 1:6 that He who began a good work in you will see it through to completion, with the key phrase being 'in you'. He reminds us that Jesus' harshest words on this matter were directed towards the Pharisees and He called them 'whitewashed tombs, blind guides, fools, hypocrites, snakes, and unmarked graves. Judah writes, "I think Jesus used such strong words because He saw genuine danger. Merely fixing up the outside might makes us look good and feel good for a while, but ultimately it backfires. The paint comes off, and the cracks and faults are still there."

Which brings me to my current situation.....

That was the mini mixer that I used to make my protein shake in the morning. The bottom fell out on the mixer base. #EpicFail #CounterTopMess

Here's what I realized. Unless our foundation is firmly rooted in Christ, nothing we do will truly matter or have a lasting effect on us or an impact in our world. Everything in the beginning was made through Him and for Him. It's all meant to glorify God in the light of eternity. But if our foundation is cracked from improper use, this is what happens. It falls apart and leaves a huge mess that needs to be cleaned up.

There are too many external sources that compete for our attention and affection. We see magazines in line at the grocery store that are allegedly going to teach us how to improve our strength, waistlines, productivity, marriages, children, homes, finances, relationships, etc. We are bombarded with sponsored ads on facebook, television, and the radio. And let's not forget that we are all experts in our right with how we think it is best to do anything that we have had any amount of success with. We so easily forget that any progress we have made, any money we have earned or saved, any thing we have ever done, including breathing, was done only through the grace and power of God in us. He put the breath in, He takes the breath out of us, and if He quits supplying it, we are a lifeless pile on the floor.

Yesterday I wore my favorite shirt. It was a gift I got for Christmas this year that's a 3/4 sleeve ringer tee. It says, All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus. If you know me, you know that I drink an obnoxious amount of coffee every day. My 'cup' is 16 ounces and I usually have 6 of those. When you take that into consideration, it gives you perspective on just how much Jesus I need. And why? Because I'm exhausted from trying to fix myself from the outside. I did that for a lot of years and for some reason, this year, I realized it wasn't working and that I had to let God in to do the demolition work to restore me to the factory original He intended.

The truth is, just like I mis-used the mixer, I have mis-used my relationship with Jesus. I would invite Him to the party as a last resort to round out the guest list that included my ideas, my plans, my thoughts, and my expectations. I think it's why He keeps leading me to certain books, what He's showing me in my Bible, and the verses He's put on my heart to commit to memory. He's finally been given the all access pass to my heart, even the things I never wanted Him to discuss for fear that the old wounds were still to tender to touch. 

I don't know where all of this will go or what the fnished product will look like when I draw my last bit of borrowed breath. What I do know is that He began this work and He'll see it through to completion because He's never going to give up on me.

Father, You know that my heart was mostly in the right place on a lot of the things I tried to fix. But in retrospect, I am thrilled that You never let me see lasting success on any of it. The temporary was nice while it lasted, but it's only made me hungrier to do it Your way, knowing that Your way brings the change that will last. Thank You for Your love, thank You for Your grace, and thank You for Your patience on never giving up on me. Amen.

Living in Awe

Sing the praises of the Lord, enthroned in Zion;

proclaim among the nations what He has done.

Psalm 9:11

For months now it seemed that every time 9:11 hit the clock, I would happen to glance and see it. For a while it was making me crazy because I didn't know why that kept happening. And let's face it, with all that those numbers represent, it was disconcerting to say the least. That is until I prayed and asked God why that kept happening and then I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to find the correlating psalm.

And so as I sat here, completely blocked about what to write, I looked up and it indeed was 9:11AM. I started to write something, completely scrapped it, and thought, don't over-analyze it, do what it says. And so......

Since 2017 began........

God got us through a car inspection with nothing but the cost of the inspection

My husband had an incredible comp week in January where we got to spend time together

I have memorized one verse every week

A minor health scare with our son turned out to be nothing

I had an incredible, long conversation with my mom about life in general

Ann Voskamp's book The Broken Way rocked my world

Rebekah Lyons' book You Are Free opened doors I didn't know were closed

I was selected for a book launch for Kyle Idleman's book Grace is Greater

I found the strength not to comment on every annoying facebook post

Our daughter had a great performance in the talent show

My husband surpised me with the perfect Valentine gifts

I saw compassion in my son's heart I wasn't even aware existed

I had a successful surgery that came back with excellent results

The kids and I were blessed with play tickets for a night out

My husband and I are now praying together

We are praying with the kids before they go to school

A great conversation with my sister and her willingness to just listen

Learning how to really pray for the first time

Learning from incredible women in the She Works His Way community

God restoring what the locusts had eaten years ago

A lunch date with my husband

An incredible sermon on Easter that showed me I can step out of a circle rather than try to jump off of a roller coaster

Truthfully I could go on. God is so good to us. I wonder how often we miss His blessings because we are looking for more of the 'big' things or the 'grand' things. But the truth is, all of these blessings build our faith to know that even when the big things seem impossible to overcome, He has our back. If He cared enough to have remade a movie to repair a piece of my heart, and made a way for us to see it, then the things that take up too much precious space in my heart and mind really need to be kicked out. Because if He is faithful in what might seem little, I know He will be faithful in the big.

I pray that you will take the time to think about what God has done in your life since this year started. Maybe taking the time to do this is just the boost you need to remember that He goes before you always and He will never leave your side. 

Do You Know Him

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit

in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you,

being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people

to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that

surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

The Unknown

July 8, 2015. I took my then 11 year old to his first summer student ministry event. When we got there he didn't see anyone he immediately knew, so he decided he'd rather go home. We stopped at the store on our way back. We weren't in a rush because we didn't know.

We didn't know that my mom had called while we were out. 

We didn't know what news was awaiting us as we walked in the door.

We didn't know that the next 20 days would be a living hell.

We simply didn't know.

There lots of things that over time you forget. You forget what you wore the first day of school during your senior year of high school. You forget how nervous you were on the first day of your first job. You forget the anxiety you felt waiting for the phone to ring from 'that guy you met'. And you forget how difficult the recovery was when your first baby was born.

But you never forget what it felt like when you found out someone you loved was in the hospital and it didn't look good. And you never forget thinking you'll wake up from the nightmare that wasn't a dream but reality. And you never forget the reaction you had when someone died.

There aren't a lot of hours between Friday afternoon and Sunday morning. But I'd bet for Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of Jesus, and His closest friends they felt like an eternity. I wonder if they cried themselves to sleep Friday and laid in bed longer staring at the walls on Saturday before they found the strength to get up. I wonder if they passed people on the road and looked completely withdrawn....if their eyes were red and swollen.....if their hearts looked clearly broken......if they wondered how they would ever go on. I wonder what thoughts they were thinking, what plans they were making, what comfort they were seeking. Did they cry out asking God why, did they shake their fists saying they didn't understand, did they - if even for a moment - second guess what they heard and believed?

But Sunday was coming. Fast, furious, and without hesitation. And on that day they would celebrate, His Name they would elevate, and the rest of their lives they would dedicate to spreading His message. Because death could not hold Him, the grave could not contain Him, and sin could not defeat Him. Because His Name is Jesus and Sunday was coming. 

Unbearable Weight

I am not a theologian. I am just a girl who loves Jesus and wants to do thinigs His way. I am not in seminary, unless you count my dining room table as a classroom. This morning, I read something that has ruined me and I need to share it because if I don't, I'm afraid I might truly explode.

Luke 9:23-25 Then He said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?"

When Jesus went to the cross, He took with Him our sins and shame. He destroyed them once and for all. But we don't live like we believe that. Not by a long shot.

So much of the time we spend our lives trying to make up for what we do. We hold on to our guilt because we are convinced we don't deserve His grace. 

In The Broken Way, Ann Voskamp quotes Martin Luther with this:

By the wedding ring of faith, He shares in the sins, death, and pains of hell which are His 

bride's. As a matter of fact, {Christ} makes {our sins} His own. Here this rich and divine

bridegroom Christ marries this poor, wicked harlot, redeems her from all her evil, and adorns

her with all His goodness. Her sins cannot now destroy her, since they are laid upon Christ and 

swallowed up by Him.

From such a marriage, as St. Paul says, it follows that Christ and the soul become one body - 

so that they hold all things in common whether for better or worse. This means that what Christ

possesses belongs to the believing soul, and what the soul possesses belongs to Christ...Christ

possesses all good things and holiness; these now belong to the soul. The soul possesses lots of

vices and sin; these now belong to Christ.....Christ, the rich, noble, and holy bridegroom, takes

in marriage this poor, contemptible, and sinful little prostitute, takes away all her evil, and bestows

all His goodness upon her! It is no longer possible for sin to overwhelm her, for she is now found 

in Christ.

When I read the verses in Luke, I thought about what it means to pick up my cross. Or at least the way I've always assumed it to be. But what if I've looked at it the wrong way? What if there is something much greater, much more beautiful than I ever dared to think?

I've always thought of the weight of the cross as being heavy because of my sin and my difficulty in following Jesus. But if He took my sins, their weight can not be on the cross any longer. He swallowed them up in His death. And if that's the case, then why does it feel like it weighs so bloody much? Why does it feel like it will crush me?

When I read about trying to save my life, I don't see it the same anymore. I don't think about it as trying to hold on to control, I think about it now as in denying what He did and trying to do it for myself. And if that's so, then losing my life for Him is truly accepting what He did and believing that it was enough. That there isn't something for me to do but live my life for Him freely in worship, service, and deep, gut level thanksgiving.

So then what is the weight? Why is it so difficult to pick up that cross? I believe it's because the weight of His righteousness, His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His forgiveness, and His glory are what's left after the resurrection and it is too much for me to bear. Too much in my mind and too much in my heart. How do you deal with that when you look in the mirror and see yourself reflecting back and not the one that joined Himself to you when He drank that cup and offered it to you? 

I don't understand how I am supposed to be okay with what He did for me. I don't know how I am supposed to believe that I don't ever have to be enough in my own eyes because I am already enough in His. But I do know that He will show me and I do know that He loves me enough to help me. And so as I sit here trembling under the weight that He is asking me to share with the world, the weight of His righteousness, grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and glory, I will feebly attempt to pick up the cross and believe that just as I am His, He is mine. And I will tell everyone what He's done for me.

Closer

"You carry these babies inside of you, you keep them protected from the 

outside world for 9 months, and when they leave your body and 

enter the world, they take your heart with them." 

The other day my daughter told me her gym shoes were too small. I checked the size so I would know what to look for in the store. Much to my dismay, the 'too small' shoes were already a size 9. I came home with a 9.5 and they need to go back for a size 10. I want to cry.

My son is currently in a size 9. He has a pair of white casual sneakers that would look super cute with my capris and because he NEVER wears them I tried them on. They were just a little too big. Cue desperately needed tears.

As a parent, particularly as a mom, seeing your kids growing is heart wrenching. You carry these babies inside of you, you keep them protected from the outside world for 9 months, and when they leave your body and enter the world, they take your heart with them.

And it's not that dad's don't feel this way. I know how my husband feels now that our son is officially taller than me. And I saw the reaction on his face when I made our son show him his 'man legs' with all that dark hair. And what's worse is that this happened so fast and without my knowledge! He didn't have man legs last summer at the pool. No, that happened in the fall/winter when I couldn't see his legs. The horror I felt when I noticed it because of his now too short pajama bottoms about killed me.

To know they will eventually graduate, go to college, and not live with me, is entirely too much to think about. Ever. But the day will come and I'm not sure how I will handle it. Most likely not well.

The painful irony in all of this, is that it is probably the exact opposite of how God feels when He watches us grow. He sees our progress and increased maturity as bringing us closer to Himself and one day closer to home with Him in eternity. And He's happy about it.

But at the same time, He does fully understand how my mommy heart feels. Every day He watched Jesus grow, He knew He was that much closer to the cross. He knew why it was happening and why it had to be that way, but I am certain it probably didn't make it any easier for that day to approach. I can only imagine the bittersweet emotions He experienced as He saw the different prophecies being fulfilled. The milestones that marked one step closer to picking up wooden beams.

As we prepare for Easter this weekend, I pray that we would not only realize the magnitude of what Jesus did for us dying on the cross, but that we would also see it from a parental perspective, and realize that in God's great love for us, He was willing to sacrifice His Son. All so He could watch us grow until we can go home to Him.

Father, I don't know how You did it. I can barely handle increased shoe sizes and changes in physical appearance. Help me to live a life that reflects the gratitude in my heart for what You did out of love for me. Amen.

By What Measure

"I focus so much on the long term that I miss the here and now 

and the things that God has already changed in me."

This morning in the swHw app, Michelle Myers wrote: "It is impossible to humbly accept God's standard of grace for ourselves while pridefully holding others to a standard of perfection."  Clearly, this is true. If grace is for me, it's for all. But as I wrote it in my journal (because I am forgetful), I started to wonder if the opposite is also true. Meaning: Is it impossible to humbly accept God's grace for others while pridefully holding ourselves to a standard of perfection? Now, we're getting somewhere.

Every month I write monthly, weekly, and daily goals. I do this to steward my time well. Unfortunately as productive as I can be when I'm focused, I can be equally unproductive when I am distracted and think I have more time. True story. The tracking sheet I use has a progress bar and boxes to check so that I can visually see growth. This is wonderful because I'm a visual learner and it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something when I still see other things that need to be done. But what about the boxes that go unchecked? Am I okay with them?

Sort of. Two of them aren't checked off on Sunday and I'm good with that because one of them is for my workout (Sunday is a rest day) and the other is for the devotional app I read and it isn't updated on Sunday. Those two empty slots are fine. But what if I missed another one? Would I be okay with that? If I'm honest, the answer is no.

I strive for perfection in the things that matter......to me. Ultimately those things are beneficial for others, particularly the people I live with, but especially for me when it comes to my emotional stability.  And if I'm not doing well? Let's just say you might want to pray that I get an extra dose of Jesus on those days because it's not pretty. But what does that reveal about the condition of my heart?

The truth is, if I am more concerned with meeting a standard of perfection that I have set, I'm pretty much ignoring that God made me His masterpiece to do the work He prepared in advance for me to do. I am famous for saying, "If it doesn't get done, clearly it wasn't on God's agenda"........to others. Not myself. And if this wasn't a problem that exists beyond my life, there wouldn't be a pretty pink book at Target called Grace, Not Perfection. (yes, I have it.)

So, why is this a problem? If I look at my life, I'd say it's because I don't feel like I deserve God's grace. I know the things I've done, the things I fail to do, the things I want to re-do, and that all makes me certain that I have to earn it. But that's not even remotely Biblical. So how do you stop this madness? How do you stop striving towards something that you can never attain?

While it's incredibly tempting to think there is more to it, I'm beginning to see the answer is prayer.

Just before Jesus is handed over, He tells the disciples to pray that they would not fall into temptation. (Luke 22:39,46) Why? Because He knew how easy it would be for it to happen.

If we can take an honest look at ourselves and see our weak spots, can't we also specifically pray for them? And if we can, do we? I know I don't. I figure if I know them and I am consciously aware of them, then I should be able to handle them when they cause trouble. But if that were the case, that I could truly do it on my own, I wouldn't need Jesus (which clearly I do), I wouldn't need His Spirit to guide me (and without that I'd be completely lost), and I wouldn't need the promises of God to cling to when things get rough.

As a woman, I tend to be hard on myself. I focus so much on the long term that I miss the here and now and the things that God has already changed in me. And since He is the one that provides the growth, I should not be hyperfocused on making it happen myself. I need to start believing that when He said that He will finish what He started, He actually will. And if He didn't give me a timeline with a completion date, the last thing I should do is decide one myself.

Jesus, more than anything You want me to follow You and go at Your pace. Teach me how to slow down and enjoy the journey You are taking me on instead of striving towards a goal You didn't set. You asked me to run the race, You didn't tell me to map out the course and determine the appearance of the finish line. I'm sorry that I've rejected Your grace for me and traded it in for the idea of perfection. Help me to accept it now as the gift You always intended it to be. Amen.

Soul Care

"Maybe it's time to realize God is trying to get our attention and respond accordingly." 

I love to read. I don't particularly read a lot of fiction anymore because I have a difficult time finding things that are 'good' for me to read. I am keenly aware of how what I read, see, and listen to has a significant impact on my emotions, thoughts, and attitude. Not to date myself too much, but when Kelly and Zach broke up, I was upset for quite sometime. And don't even get me started on when Sheldon and Amy went separate ways. I become emotionally invested in characters and when things don't go well, even in the short term, my heart is aching.

The same is true for me and music. I didn't only listen to Contemporary Christian music in high school. First, I didn't know it was a thing and second, if it was a thing, I thought it consisted solely of Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant, who were both also on top 40. I listened to Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Debbie Gibson (don't judge), Paula Abdul, and other mainstream artists. But one listen to any of their lyrics and it is clearly understandable why I had such a misconstrued idea of what a healthy relationship was. (think about that for just a moment if you have a teenager)

So now I do listen only to K-LOVE and primarily read Christian non-fiction. It's much better for me emotionally and, obviously, spiritually. Plus, both always make me feel better and give me the encouragement I need to keep going. Because let's face it, being an adult is hard. Couple that with being a parent in a media saturated world and I'm ready to curl up in a corner and rock back and forth most days.

Anyway.......

Yesterday I started reading How's Your Soul by Judah Smith. I mentioned this book a few days ago and finally picked it up from my desk. He wrote some things that I think are highly beneficial and quite profound. He said:

"And yet, on some level, we are always aware of our souls. 

We continually monitor whether we are expereincing peace or 

anxiety, joy or desperation, fulfillment or emptiness. 

.........

We say things like, "I really need a vacation" or "This job is sucking the 

life out of me" or "When I go hiking, I feel alive, I feel renewed."

.........

Anyway, statements like these reflect our souls. They are expressions not

just of external, physical conditions but of internal realities."

In my journal where I am taking notes, I wrote out this question: Are negative emotions soul cries to draw our attention to something that is wrong, essentially grieving the Spirit?

Here's the thing. We have all been someplace where we saw someone have some reaction that was in complete disproportion to their circumstances. I have always been a believer that no one flips out over a mis-applied coupon or an incorrect price. If that is what makes you go bat crap crazy, there is something much deeper, much more painful that caused such raw emotions to bubble up and expel themselves on anyone in range. 

Granted not many of us would display such venom in public, but if we go home and spew it on anyone and everyone who will listen, there really isn't much difference. 

So what if this is God's way of flashing a brightly colored neon sign that indicates we have some stuff we need to deal with? What if this is His way of saying we need to put ourselves in a timeout with Him and let Him reveal what's in our hearts that caused such a gut wrenching response to something that is an inconvenience? 

I know that I am guilty of this. I think it's why I was drawn to this book when I saw it in the library. I tend to reduce how I am doing to my circumstances not what I am really feeling in my heart or thinking in my head.  It's leaving me vulnerable to Satan's schemes, prone to being short tempered, likely reacting with sharp words, and susceptible to food sought out of comfort, not hunger. And as if that weren't enough to be concerned about, I can also get quiet and shut out those that know me best and want to help the most.

My hope is that if this sounds familiar, even if you don't pick up the book, you'll at least consider your emotions more intentionally. For the girl who has been suppressing them for far too long, I want to start dealing with them effectively because it is the only way for a soul to be truly at rest. And frankly, rest is one of the gifts God gave us in the beginning that too many of us neglect to the detriment of our souls. Maybe it's time to realize God is trying to get our attention and respond accordingly. 

Jesus, help me to understand what is going on deep inside of me. Don't let me shy away from or ignore the symptoms that something isn't quite right. More than anything I want to be whole and complete in You so that I can love and serve others well. You are the only one that can guide this journey because You know me better than I know myself. Amen

Remember

"When God commanded Joshua to pull the stones out of the Jordan  as a 

way to remember and teach the next generations about God's faithfulness,

 it was because God knew the extent to which we forget things."

Several months ago Ann Voskamp used a hashtag on one of her facebook posts that struck a nerve with me. It was #PreachingToMyself. At the time I didn't realize the significance of this notion, although it resonated with me deeply.

As a reader, I stick with the things that have solid, edifying, encouraging content. If it's not going to make me a better person, I'm simply not going to read it. I know how selfish that reads but truthfully, at its core, it isn't. Unless I am the best I can be, I can't serve others well in my calling. And the longer I deny the things in me that need the time and attention they demand to be set right, the longer I delay making a contribution to the world. 

Please don't think that I am under the assumption that I am fixing myself. Far from it. That is a work that no one can undertake but Jesus Himself. I just simply mean to say I won't walk away from something that is challenging me, or shaking me up internally, for the sake of ease, or in an attempt to avoid pain.

On Friday, I picked up a book from the library titled Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer. On page 6 he writes, "The words we speak often contain counsel we are trying to give ourselves." When I read that, all I could think of was Ann's hashtag #PreachingToMyself.

This blog was birthed out of a desperate need for me to get the raging thoughts inside my head, out. When I read my Bible in the morning, my head goes into a complete tailspin. I am making analogies, lessons, examples, and connections faster than I can get them down to truly work them out. And heaven forbid a verse come to mind that I can't find readily. You think nails on a chalkboard is bad, that is nothing compared to this.

But as much as I felt lead to start this to clear up mental space, there is not a post I have written that was not meant first for me. Every single word is some form of advice or wisdom that I desperately needed at the time, and likely still do. Why? Because I forget stuff. I forget what God has shown me, I forget how faithful He's been, I forget that He's never changing, continually present, and always good.

So perhaps this tiny space has become one of my many memorial stones. When God commanded Joshua to pull the stones out of the Jordan as a way to remember and teach the next generations about God's faithfulness, it was because God knew the extent to which we forget things. But as we discussed on Friday at Bible study, our memorial stones are never meant to be the foundation of our faith, they are meant to be the reminder of His faithfulness. 

Some of the stones I have are bittersweet. While the result of having them is good, the way in which they were obtained is still sometimes difficult to remember. But ultimately I have a choice to make. I can either look at the stones and see the scar they left, or I can see the God who handed it to me, to lay it down as precisely as I could, to build an altar where I can fall down and worship Him.

Years ago I was introduced to a song by Point of Grace called Heal the Wound. Let this portion of the lyrics wash over you in what God is capable of doing. And then slowly but surely, build your altar, sacrifice your life for Him on it, and worship the God who loves you more than you will ever know.

But I'll build an altar with the rubble that You've found in me

And every stone will sing of what You can redeem

Beyond Titles

In Mark 8, Jesus asks Peter, "Who do you say that I am?" It's a loaded question. The way we answer it says a signficant amount about our beliefs. But knowing who Jesus is, and knowing Jesus personally, are not the same thing at all.

Today, instead of a normal blogpost, I want to leave you with a challenge. Once you have answered the question Jesus asks each of us, Who do you say that I am? - take it another step. Go beyond the titles and define who He is to you personally. Our personal understanding of who He is determines the extent to which He can work in our lives. Because until He is everything, we will limit His access to the areas He may most want to work.

Learning to Pray

"Now, I am not going to reduce prayer to a formula. That seems like an inherently 

bad idea. But I do think it's important to realize the characteristics of the prayers lifted 

by some pretty significant people that God used in unbelievable ways." 

Growing up I was taught how to pray. There was an order to the words, they were to be memorized, and they were to be spoken. And that's the way I prayed for years because it was all I knew. I remember a time in high school that I went to a youth group meeting where a boy I knew prayed out loud spontaneously. I won't lie, it FREAKED.ME.OUT. I had no context for what was happening and the level of my discomfort was profound.

When I started to attend a non-denominational church, I didn't receive a context on how to re-frame the concept of prayer. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure my 'introduction' to prayer came from listening to Beth Moore on Life Today because she would pray before and after she taught. And while her prayers always spoke to my heart, I didn't know 'how' she did it. But knowing her love of Scripture, I suppose I figured it would come naturally with reading my Bible.

After God revealed to me this summer how I had essentially made my Bible an idol, I lost all context for prayer. It's not that I never prayed, I just don't think I really understood the 'what' of what I was doing when I prayed and the fact that God was listening. In hindsight it seems that I thought I was sending out an email that God would get when He checked His inbox, not that He was paying attention when I spoke, because my prayers amounted to claiming His promises, not actually talking to Him.

But His great love that would not let me stay 'stuck' where I was, the love that waited until I was ready for the reality of my condition, put me in Daniel 9 this morning as part of the reading plan I am following. Granted, each translation of the Bible has different 'titles' for the chapters but my NIV Leadership Bible, it's called Daniel's prayer.

And so, I read it all first. Then I went back and broke it down into what made up his prayer. I figured if Daniel's prayer made it in to Scripture, than perhaps, somewhere within it, is the connection I desperately need to make. This is what I found:

~When Daniel prayed, he knew what Scripture said and then he went to God in prayer about what was going on.
~He acknowledged who God was, what He had said, and His character and attributes.
~He admitted the sins that had been committed.
~He laid it out what He wanted God to do.
~He made his plea based on God's glory, reputation, the sake of His Name, and His fame NOT on the level of discomfort (selfish ambition or vain conceit) that he or the people were feeling.
~He asked for what he wanted so that God's power could be displayed and His majesty might increase.

Now, I am not going to reduce prayer to a formula. That seems like an inherently bad idea. But I do think it's important to realize the characteristics of the prayers lifted by some pretty significant people that God used in unbelievable ways.

As I said earlier, my 'prayers' were nothing more than claiming Scripture over things I wanted changed. They had very little to do with actually seeking God Himself or talking to Him. They were my list of expectations based on what His Word clearly said with the understanding that if He didn't answer them, it wasn't His will. I didn't talk to Him, I reminded Him of what He promised and left it at that. I don't know if this was based on fear of what He might say, a feeling of unworthiness to be heard, a belief that I didn't deserve to have what I felt I needed, or if truly expressing myself would leave me open and vulnerable with my emotions on display thinking that I would be told to 'suck it up buttercup.'

Slowly but surely as I had started praying with more intentionality before He even revealed to me the problem, it appears that His grace was laying a foundation to understand where the problem was. I am not anywhere close to where I want to be in my prayer life, but I am more than willing to let Him set the pace so that it can be built up the way He intended it to be all along.

Lord, I desperately need You. You know me, You know my thoughts, You know which things need re-wired because I have looked at them the wrong way. Help me come to You, to lay it all out, and believe that You not only hear me, but that You are listening to me. Thank You for helping me to understand where I have gotten this prayer thing wrong so that You can set it right. I love you. Amen