Uncomplicated

So this prayer thing.....I wrote out prayers as I read Romans 15, Acts 15, and did my devotional app. #Amazing! I haven't had a quiet time like that ever. I mean seriously.....so worth it.

But, as I got done writing out some other prayers in my actual prayer journal, it occurred to me that I feel GUILTY because I can't write out every prayer request for every person I know. Um, first - that's probably not realistic, second - I'd be here all day, third - I know guilt over anything is a tactic of the enemy. But seriously.....this bothers me. As ridiculous as this sounds, I think, "Oh my goodness, what if I die and someone reads my prayer journal and knows I didn't write out prayers for them?" Okay, that's crazy, y'all. I mean over the edge nuts. (And if you're laughing, my guess is that the same thought has crossed your mind, too.)

So as I was journaling, I wrote a prayer that would remind me that God does know the cries of my heart, he does know the things that are weighing on me for others, that my quick shot arrow prayers do still count, and that just because I don't write it doesn't mean he won't answer it. I could be wrong, but for all the times it mentions prayer in the Bible, I don't recall seeing anyone sitting down with a sharpie and a composition notebook to write it all out. There are recordings of the prayers people spoke over different situations, but I don't think that David kept a prayer journal and I'm pretty sure Jesus just spoke to God directly. And the last I checked, Jesus told the disciples to stay awake and pray that they would not fall to temptation, not to grab some papyrus and write it all out. I mean it does say he hears our voice in the morning, not that he reads over our shoulder as we write. 

So, yes, I think there is value in keeping a journal to keep a record of God's faithfulness. And yes, I think it helps keep our focus as we pray. But I also think we can work from a list of things we know we need to pray for and not write out every last prayer. I mean, how many trees would have to die in order to get them all out and how much electricity would we use to type them all out into a document on the computer?

If you've struggled with prayer (hand raised high here), just know that you aren't alone. Prayers don't need to be formal or written or spoken out loud. They just need to start with thanking God for all the things, even the hard things knowing he only does and allows what fulfills his purpose for our lives. And then simply present your requests to him, trusting that his peace will comfort you and that he will answer at just the right time.

Fertile Ground

Confession 1: I follow people on facebook that will add value to my life. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm not going to follow anyone that makes me want to yank out my hair, scream and complain, or lose my faith in humanity.

Confession 2: I am totally sharing something I read in a facebook post by Valerie Woerner (whom you should follow on facebook) the other day that was incredibly profound.

"How did I not think of this? My sister @nataliemetlewis shared this idea and I'll definitely be doing this next month in my prayer journal! Here's what she said: "A few years ago when I started to reading more (actually finishing) books I was so pumped and excited for all the knowledge I was getting! But last year I began to wonder how much of what I was reading was actually sinking in and transforming my life.  Because let's be honest....if it's not transforming me then the only thing I gain is check marks next to a "finished book". So one thing I started to do was put a section in my prayer journal (@valmariepaper) for the book I was reading at the moment and fill it in with requests as I came across truths that I wanted to remember and sink in." 

Um, genius! 

I was so completely blown away by this idea. I mean, what if you listened to the sermon at church and instead of just taking down information about what you hear, you turn it into a prayer to God to make that nugget of wisdom manifest itself in your life? What if instead of underlining all of the amazing content in a book you actually turn it into a prayer request? What if instead of just reading your Bible to learn, when God spoke to you about something, anything, you immediately wrote that prayer out so that you could continue to pray it? I mean DUH!

Every time I hear the parable about the seed sower, I seriously question how much fertile ground I have. I hear all kinds of good things I desperately want that speak to me so loudly in that moment, but I have never once considered writing out a prayer to ask God for it. I just always thought of those things as good ideas I should really pursue. #TooForgetfulToWork

So, yes, I am going to start doing this as I read my Bible (of course I'll still take notes but I have a feeling my notebook may end up looking more like a prayer journal). And I'm going to do this with the books I am reading, with Bible study videos and workbooks, sermons, anything where God speaks. Because chances are good that if he's speaking to me, he's probably giving me a clue of what he wants to give me that he needs me to ask for first. 

Lord, I can not thank you enough for the gift of social media. As much of a dark place as it can be, it can also be a place to share information that can impact the lives of others in countless, positive ways for you. Thank you for these godly sisters that seek you, serve you, and share the wisdom you impart with others. Help us to stop just thinking the things we hear are a good idea to do, but to turn them into the cries of our heart. We love you. Amen.

The High Places

"I wasn't on Mount Carmel, I didn't see Elijah, and the prophets of Baal were long gone, but God was bringing me through my desert, and had pitted Himself against my own false idols." Bianca Olthoff, Play With Fire

Sometimes you read something that gives the piece of information you've been missing and suddenly the puzzle is complete, the picture is made whole, and you can see clearly for the first time just how much of a mess you are in.

Every time I've done an Old Testament study there has almost always been a mention of the rampant idolatry. You read of people bowing down to stone figures, throwing things in fires that ought not be thrown in fires, and ridiculous beliefs and you scratch your head in wonder as to how they could be so foolish. And while we are quick to judge that they believed their idols had the power to give them what they want, we do the exact same thing.

Food is supposedly going to give us comfort.
Relationships are apparently going to cover our every emotional need.
Money is bound to give us the security we desperately seek.
Status will make us valuable to the masses because of our contribution to the world.

I could go on but you get the point. When we read it, we see the absurdity of it. But when we're living it, and it's blatantly telling us lie after lie, we accept them all because it's what we know and the thought of changing insights such fear we can't even comprehend how we could survive loosing what we hold so close we can't even see it.

When I read the quote from Bianca, I realized why this season has been so dry and desolate. When what you have been fueling to meet your needs begins to loose its luster and appeal, and you think you've been depending on God but you haven't, you have no idea what's happening, where to turn, or what on earth you can do about it. And when you have buried your emotions so deeply under layer upon layer of idols, the thought of uncovering them and loosing the only comfort you have known, no matter how false it has been, is terrifying.

So here I am now, realizing that God is doing battle with my idols. From fitness, to food, to a desperate need for affirmation from others, He is fighting for the submission of my heart and I honestly don't know how to let go of what I have held dear for so long. Exercise has been my stress release instead of the words that could bring healing. Food has been my comfort instead of the love God has been lavishing on me through the years that I didn't recognize through his gifts. And through my insatiable need to please others and be deemed irreplaceable, I have sacrificed beyond the boundaries of what is healthy.

The good news is I know God is going to win this. The bad news is it's probably going to hurt. But if Jesus were to show up in front of me right now and ask if I want to be made well, the answer would be yes. And if I sing show us your glory during worship, I really don't get a say in how he chooses to do that or determine which avenues of his glory I will accept. Because if he accepts me unconditionally, I have to do the same for him. And the astounding part is that he doesn't for a minute think that he drew the short straw. He chose me a long time ago and now it's my turn to choose him above everything else.

Father, you know my love of Twilight and you know it has always been because of the way Edward loves Bella so unconditionally in only wanting the absolute best for her. And you love me the exact same way. Even when I've replaced you, questioned your ways, doubted your goodness, and refused your invitiations to turn back. Lord, we all have idols in our lives. Help us remove them from the places we buried them thinking you wouldn't know they were there. Your love is all we need to be truly satisfied. Help us lay down what has been keeping us bound and begin to live in the freedom Jesus died to give. Give us eyes for you alone. We love you and praise you for all that you are. Amen.

Thought Patterns

First True Story: If I hear something that sparks a thought, I will chase that rabbit down like a mad woman. I imagine I can be a distraction to my husband in church as I feverishly flip through my Bible trying to find something I wrote or underlined at some point that correlates with what I just heard.

Second True Story: Sometimes I read a verse that I've read at least fifty times before and it's as if I'm seeing it for the first time. It's in moments like these that I question my level of intelligence.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Realization 1: If you don't want to conform to the pattern of this world, you must first be able to recognize and identify the pattern of this world.

Realization 2: Once you recognize the pattern of this world, you must then determine if you are prone to conforming to it.

Realization 3: If you are aware that you are prone to conforming to it, you must then determine what you must do in opposition to it.

Realization 4: Once you know what you must do to guard yourself against it, this becomes your pleasant place where the boundary lines have been drawn by God.

Realization 5: Once you can acknowledge your God-given boundary lines, they become your plumb line by which you can determine the good, pleasing and perfect will of God for how he created you.

Realization 6: Failure to take this seriously generally leads to undesirable consequences.

The space occupied above our shoulders and between our ears can be a mighty dangerous place. We believe that lies are the truth and that the truth is a bunch of lies. We are willing to accept the negative things that are said about us and dismiss the positive. We know that we are to have the mind of Christ and take our thoughts captive, but we aren't (or at least I haven't been) told how to do that. And without knowing where to start, you can read it all you want from beginning to end, but if you aren't aware of what you are fighting against and fighting for, you are swinging your sword at the air surrounding you.

I've got lists from the web and in books that tell me how God sees me and never once have I thought to pray them over myself to break the chains of the lies that have held me bound. And why? Because I didn't know I should. They have always just been my 'go to' when I'm feeling badly to remind myself of the truth. But unless I partner them with the counterfeit truth I've adopted, I basically have a list of positive affirmations that have an inherent power I haven't tapped into: the power to transform my mind.

I know I've said before that my nickname could be blonder than she appears to be, but I'm guessing if I've missed this, I might not be the only one. So you have an assignment. Think about the ways Satan tends to dupe you.....realizing that if he's done it once, he'll probably try to do it again, but with a subtle difference. Know that his methods are the patterns of this world that we have to rally and fight against. And then seek out God's truth that combats the lies, traps, and patterns that tangle you up, and actively pray against them. And then maybe, just maybe, with time and intentionality, we'll have the renewed minds we've been desperate to achieve but didn't know how to get.

Straight as an Arrow

I'm sure most of us have seen this picture at some point. The premise is the realization that we fail our way forward, learn from our mistakes, and persevere through the adversity and obstacles that come our way. My frustration is that often times we assume this picture means that if we had made different choices our path would have been more direct, less difficult, and come with fewer regrets.

Romans 11:33 says, "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out!" When I read that this morning I immediately thought of this picture. And as I sat contemplating the truth of Romans 8:28 which tells us that God works all things together for good, and Jeremiah 29:11 which says that he has a plan for our lives, I began to think there is another interpreation to this image. One that is much more encouraging.

Our lives are meant to be in a constant state of moving towards God and closer to his heart. As we endure struggles meant to refine us and reveal his glory, what we might see as an avoidable setback had we chosen differently, could actually be a divine set up to draw us ever closer and into deeper dependence upon our Father in heaven. And if he is in control as we believe he is, that squiggly line, when stretched out, would be a straight shot into the life he had planned from before our first breath.

It's so easy to look back and see what we would call mistakes and assume that our lives would look radically different if we had only gone down a different road. But somehow in his infinite wisdom, God made a plan for all of it, knowing that through each step, we would get closer to him. And so maybe instead of feeling intense regret and mourning for what might have been, we should take a step back in awe and wonder and bask in the glory of his amazing grace that has held and lead us all along.

Lord, your ways are unsearchable. While you call us to repentence for the things that go against your best for our lives, help us to remember that you knew what we would do and that you loved us enough to include even that as part of your redemption story. Help us to forgive ourselves of the moments that you used to ultimately draw us closer to you and celebrate that you have not only forgiven us, but have given us the righteousness of Christ in exchange. We love you and stand in awe of your overflowing grace. Amen. 

Vulnerable

Just about a year ago, Bianca Olthoff released the book Playing With Fire. I pre-ordered it, started it, and put it down. Sometimes I think God distracts us from something He knows we need but aren't quite ready for yet.

This book is primarily about a desert season Bianca went through in her mid-twenties. She compares her situation to that of the Israelites wandering in the desert and crying out to God in desperation. This analogy has given me some significant glimpses into what my life has been like for the past several years with my refusal to cry out, leaving me with an inability to cry. I've been in the dryest desert season of my life and didn't know to label it as such, or where to turn for answers.

One point that I read today was incredibly indicative of my personality. She wrote: "While I was trying desperately to keep my life together, the idea of confessing my needs aloud or asking for help was humiliating....I had never wanted to be in a position where I needed assistance; I never wanted to be vulnerable again." (emphasis mine) Needless to say, that got underlined.

In the past three months I have learned an incredibly valuable lesson. The more we keep bottled up, the more power it has over us. Why? Because unless we confront the source from which our disordered thoughts and perceptions originate, we have absolutely no hope of disproving the lies we are accepting as truth. Let that sink in for a minute.

Way back when this all started, I took what God meant for good and an opportunity to grow my faith, and turned it into something ugly. I allowed past wounds to be the filter I used to assess the situation, and rather than take it all to God and allow Him to help me process it, I repressed it, ignored it, and allowed it to create some destructive behavioral patterns that I am currently working through. (FYI, you should not use your workouts to process your emotions or deal with your stress or insecurities. If you do, they become an idol and that's never a good thing.)

But a few months ago I reached a breaking point. Knowing I couldn't continue with the negative thoughts that plagued my mind or what seemed like an unusually high number of emotional triggers, I faced it head on, expressed my thoughts and feelings witth extreme vulnerability, and left it all in God's hands as to what would be the outcome. Only one of two things were possible. Either (a) my voice would be heard and I would find out the truth was something other than what I had been believing or (b) my voice would not be heard and I would likely spiral completely out of control. Not only did the first one happen, but that very week God healed parts of my heart that I couldn't even describe now because there were too many to count.

And here's what I realized. When we expose our deepest fears to the light and allow that light to let us see what God sees, healing occurs. Things that we are afraid of continue to generate fear until we bring them out of the corners and shadows releasing their power over us. My insatiable quest to never be vulnerable was also pushing against the vulnerability God needed in order to work in my life. He won't force His way on us because He wants us to get to the point that without Him, we understand that we can't do anything.

Am I still in the desert? Yes. Do I think full deliverance is coming? Definitely. Am I willing to start praying relentlessly for the tears to fall? Absolutely. I have a lot of tears that haven't fallen in the past 6 years from moments of extreme sadness and incredible joy. But as Bianca wrote, "If you find yourself in the wilderness, realize that though you may not feel like it at the moment, you are in the very place where true worship can happen. Like the Israelites, you are on the edge of a very promising place."

Father, I can not thank you enough for your unbelievable patience. You have been with me this entire time, whether I could recognize and acknowledge your presence or not. Help us all learn how to cry out to you first and foremost. Our tears and laments will never make us weak in your eyes, because from the beginning, you have always wanted us to depend on you alone. We thank you for the desert seasons that show us how to worship and trust you for everything. We love you. Amen.

Measuring Success

The world we live in measures success or failure by profits and loss, increases and decreases over last year, and projections made by an economist or mathematician using the wisdom and intelligence God gave them through a formula, equation, or calculation that God cannot be reduced to. However, as much as we might be in it, we are not of this world, and we are called to measure success based on God's economy where loss is considered gain.

If this is how God works, then we have to find a different way to determine the effectiveness of our efforts for Him and His glory.

So often we assume that what we are doing is meant to have a directly proportional impact on things or people that are external to us. But as much as we might do for others in the name of God, we simply cannot force a change or create a result in someone else's life. I can't determine my ability to parent my children well based on the choices they make. I can influence them with what I know to be true, and I can model what I know to be God's ways, but ultimately it is up to them to decide which course of action they will follow.

As I sat here thinking about the Michelle Myers' video I watched yesterday and the concept of results, I realized that the only way to determine if results are happening is through the intangible, tangible fruit God grows. And that is only possible as much as I submit to His leadership and allow Him access to every part of my life that needs an overhaul of the rocky soil and pruning in the places that are growing.

My biggest struggle is with the scale. I go up and down so much that my life looks like a yo-yo that never stops. But if instead of focusing on what the world would tell me is the measure of my success, the number on the scale, I base it on the level of joy that results from moving my body as a way of maintaining my health, then that would be a workout that gave results whether the scale moved or not. And if I keep my attention on eating what makes my body work best instead of labeling certain foods as banned, bad, or off limits, that is going to result in peace. And if I give it all I've got and pray through the decisions I need to make regarding both and do it all for His glory not accolades or abilities that only matter if I'm enrolling in a competition, that will bring both.

It's not easy to be still and let God be God. We see variables that we can manipulate to put the odds in our favor, and then get flustered when we don't get a projected or promised result. And the reality is, if we listen to the words of others that are considered experts, that is what we would expect to receive. But I would honestly much rather be content with where God has me than constantly striving after something that could drive me farther from Him because I think I did it on my own.

Maybe instead of doing things for our glory and the selfish reasons that seem to linger in our hearts, we should keep our eyes on the prizes we can't see. Because just like we'll always catch more flies with honey than vinegar, the peace - joy - and love that overflow as a result of God's grace will do more to draw others to Him than any knock off success the world markets.

Lord help us to see that the measure of our success is in the resulting fruit that You grow. Help us to trust that the work You are doing internally will manifest itself in the way we live, talk, and treat others. Help us to remember that the world's accolades are something that will rob us of the crown You have waiting for us in heaven. More than anything, we want the evidence of our efforts to be in a flourishing relationship with You. We love you. Amen.

If you would like access to the video Michelle Myers' posted that has been the source of inspiration for yesterday's post and today's, please leave a comment, connect with me on facebook, or send an email to embracingmygift@gmail.com Her words and obedience to the Lord on sharing her journey and struggles with fitness have been an enormous blessing in my life. God has used her to help me see where I fall short in an area that should be shining a light brightly for Him. Thank you Michelle for always sharing your heart and the truth in love.

Micromanagment

As a parent I always want my kids to do their best on anything they put their hands to doing. Whether it's a project or a test, I want them to give it everything they've got. I don't want them to get a grade or an assessment back that leaves them wondering if they could have done more that would have given results that were better.

As an adult the struggle is real with my own task list. Non-preferred activities are always more challenging because they just aren't where I'd like to be spending my time. This is where character and integrity need to be ramped up if we are to be strong witnesses.  I can look at any assignment in one of two ways: I'm doing it for another person or I'm doing it for God. Only one of those will I answer to and only one of those is right audience. 

Where it gets tricky is in the expectation I put on the outcome. 

Earlier today I listened to an incredible facebook live from Michelle Myers titled The End of And. Listening, I realized that so many of the things I do are because I've been assigned them (being a wife to my husband, a mother to my children, a caretaker of our home, etc.), but in my assignment, I expect a result. I clean so that our home is both welcoming and relaxing AND I want to hear compliments about it. I support my husband in his career and efforts in running AND I want him to tell others how supportive I am. I help our kids in whatever they need me to assist them with because it is my joy to do it AND I want them to tell their friends what a great mom I am. Pretty selfish, huh?

So now I am faced with answering is if I am willing to do things without the AND. I wish the three examples I gave were the only ones that I have to apply this question to, but of course that's not the case. There's way more.

Regardless of what we put our hands, hearts, and minds to doing, the fact is the results are always up to God. He's the one that determines the impact, or ripple effect, of what we do. And if I give it all I've got and my results aren't what I was expecting based on my effort, then what I'm essentially saying is that I am not satisfied with what God has chosen to provide. Maybe it's just me, but that seems like a pretty dangerous road to walk down.

Michelle has said many times that we are to measure our success in anything by our level of obedience, regardless of what the outcome looks like. That right there should be an end to the AND struggle. But we are human and we tend to have the flesh covered mentality that expects a proportionate return on our investment. But our idea of the proportionate return completely negates the way God works. His M.O. is always to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. #LoavesAndFishes So, do I really want my return or would I prefer His?

Sadly, all of this boils down to issues of trust and idolatry. Do I trust God enough to believe that what He's given me is exactly what I need, and am I willing to surrender to the knowledge that He knows better because He sees more, and therefore submit to His plans rather than manipulate every variable I can get my hands on?

As I wrestle with all the things I need to relinquish control of, I can't help but compare this to when I met my husband. Just prior to meeting at work, I swore I was done dating. Too many frogs in too short a period of time. Once I quit trying to find the perfect guy and control every factor that would influence that opportunity, God brought him into my life. And he is definitely way more than I would have asked for or imagined. 

Ann Voskamp wrote, "I can't fill with joy until I learn how to trust," and then questioned, "What is saving belief if it isn't the radical dare to wholly trust?" If I trust God to bring me to eternal life with Him in heaven, why is it so hard for me to trust Him with results of whatever He calls me to do? Why do I feel a constant need to micromanage everything?

These are tough questions to answer. And maybe something about this is opening your eyes to see where a lack of trust in your life is exposing a gap in your faith. But the good news is that even as we struggle, He remains faithful and nothing can separate us from His love....even our doubts. So maybe instead of pretending we have it all together, we can go to Him honestly in surrender and admit where we are struggling to maintain the control we don't really have anyway. And if the great cloud of witnesses is any indication to what might come from that, I think it's safe to say we'll be plesased with the results He chooses to provide.

All The Needs

I have a super hard time spending money on myself. Even if it's something I need, I struggle. This past Christmas was the first time that I can honestly recall that the money I was given as gifts I spent it on myself. (not quite all of it, but most of it) It's always been used for things that the kids needed. And I'd be lying if I said there haven't been moments of guilt since that time. Mind you, I didn't spend any of it on frivolous things. Everything was either something I needed or was purchasing to help me be better. (Lara Casey's PowerSheets are a nothing short of the work of God.) But still the guilt has loomed.

And while I could have saved it and had it for the little things that have come up, God always knows exactly what you need and can find the most unique ways to bless you with it just because He can and He wants to. It has nothing to do with anything you've done to earn it, He just likes to do it to love on us because we're His kids.

For example, at Easter I was almost out of mascara. Now mascara is not a crazy expensive item (at least the kind I use) but I still didn't want to buy it until the last possible moment. And then I got a phone call about Easter dinner and was asked if I would use the gift with purchase mascara that my aunt had that she wasn't going to use. Why yes, as a matter of fact I would. Mascara, as a gift from God, given through the hands of my aunt.

Then today, I was talking with a friend about an upcoming wedding and my frustration in finding a dress for our daughter. Sure the stores have sundresses if you're going to a picnic, but a dress for a wedding? Not so much. We ended up talking sizes and the next thing I know I am leaving her house with 8 dresses that her daugther has outgrown. All are beautiful and perfect for my baby girl. Our new dilemma will be figuring out which one she wants to wear and when she'll be able to wear the rest because she said to just keep them or give them away!

Most of my life has been marked by a scarcity mentality. We always had enough growing up, but not the extras. We had a great childhood, one I wouldn't trade for the world, but that leaves a mark for sure. In Playing With Fire Bianca Olthoff writes, "Growing up poor inevitably poses the danger that you will live the rest of your life with a scarcity mentality, a chronic fear of not having enough and holding on too tightly to what you do have." Yep, she is absolutely right. But here's the thing.....as much as I'm afraid there might not be enough, God never runs out of anything because He is unlimited in His love and resources. And in His limitless love and resources, He promises to give us whatever we need. Even mascara or a dress.

While you might be tempted to think these examples are small and insignificant, let me assure you that if you need it, God is aware of it and He's working on it. Small, medium, large, or huge. And He never once promised to meet our needs in advance, but rather at just the right time. (The wedding is next weekend.) And slowly but surely, we're going to learn to trust Him. Because the reality is, just like if we prove faithful with little we can be trusted with much, He's teaching us that if we can learn to trust Him with the little, when the really big, scary, and unexpected much comes, we can trust Him then, too.

Father, the tangible ways You manage to show Yourself blows my mind. You never once are blind to our struggles, our needs, or our hopes and dreams. Remove from us the fear that You can't, won't, or aren't able to meet any need we will ever have. The truth is You care about us and whatever it is that is weighing heavily on our hearts and minds because we are Yours. As you grow our faith and confidence in You as provider, we will give You every ounce of glory and shout out Your praises. We love You. Amen.

Where the Rope Ends

Romans 8:32 tells me that He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?

That's a pretty good qusetion; and one I happen to be really lousy at answering. You would think that for all the music I listen to that reminds me of the truth of God's love, I wouldn't be so apt to forgetting the answer. But I do. A lot. And you would also think that with God's past record of faithfulness I would trust Him considerably more. But I don't. 

The scariest part of trust is that it means you are willing to relinquish control. I am a first born, type A control freak. Doing this isn't exactly easy. While the majority of the plans I've made have failed, I have not failed in micromanaging every variable in the equation up to the point of total chaos. Obviously that should be red flag as to my management abilities and a clear indication of my inability to let go.

But the thing is, my relationship with God only has room for one person to be in the driver's seat. And He doesn't need me riding shotgun shooting at all the things that scare me. And He doesn't need me as a backseat driver alerting Him to stop signs, yield signs, traffic lights, or turn signals. (at least those are the things that drive my husband crazy) What He would probably prefer is me in the rear-facing back seat of mid 80's station wagon watching how much ground He's covered. And if I was in that seat, I'd be constantly staring at all the things He's graciously given.

They say that when you get to the end of your rope, you are at the beginning of God's. Right about now I feel like I am hanging on by a frayed thread that is about to snap. I am so tired of trying to make it all work myself because clearly I'm not very good at it. And for all the groundwork He has laid over the last couple of months, the least I can do is cooperate and just hold out my hand believing He won't let me fall. Because the reality is I fell a long time ago and He did pick me up. My job now is to just rest in His hands instead of trying to jump out.

The Lost Message

James 1:14-15 teaches us something about sin and the slippery slope where it resides. He writes: But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.

The biggest dilemma we face is our inability to recognize sin when it comes so subtly and so innocently, that we have very little hope of resisting it because we wouldn't even see it with a flashing neon sign.

Many months ago I wrote about the realization that I had acquired a decent amount of Biblical knowledge through the years, but had no idea that throughout my quest to quench my thirst for Jesus, I had been missing Him the entire time. I described how I had Scripture coated my life to the point that I never dealt with any emotions, I just put a band-aid with a verse on it and just kept going. I had no idea how this happened or why, I just knew it to be my condition.

Slowly but surely God began revealing many things to me through His word that helped me to see my way out of this very dark tunnel. And while I am certainly not out of it yet, I can at least see a light in the distance that has shown me I am headed the right direction.

The most incredible part of this journey has been the patient way God has revealed snippets of what put me in this pit to begin with so as to make me more aware of what I will need to guard against in the future. The resources beyond the Bible He has brought my way through book launches, recommendations, and sheer grace, are nothing short of miracles in the things they have helped me understand about Him. Now I am all for Biblical literacy, but these books have been like printed sermons that have given me a greater understanding of the concepts we read but don't necessarily understand what they look like covered in flesh and put into motion on feet that walk.

The latest book, Gospel by J D Greear teaches something he started praying called The Gospel Prayer. This short prayer is broken in four parts that are written almost as affirmations to remind you of what you know to be true.

In Christ, there I nothing I can do that would make You love me more,

and nothing I have done that makes You love me less.

Your presence and approval are all I need for everlasting joy.

As You have been to me, so I will be to others.

As I pray, I'll measure Your compassion by the cross

and Your power by the resurrection.

Now, Ann Voskamp in her posts is famous for using the hashtag #PreachingTheGospelToMyself. I always thought that was intersting and sweet. But that's because I didn't understand why she was doing it. Not that I've had some conversation with her, but I think I get it now.

In a facebook post by Life Lived Beautifully, Gretchen quotes Tim Keller as writing, "The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope." She says this is why we need to preach the gospel to ourselves every day, because we are in desperate need of His grace every moment.

But we don't do that. We read John 3:16, we recite a sinners prayer, start reading our Bibles, join a study, get all the behaviors down pat, start telling others about how Jesus has changed our lives, and forget that (a) He is still changing them every single day and (b) that we need to start fresh every day because His grace and mercy are new every day because we fall short every day.

It is so easy to tell others about Him and want them to have what we think we've got, but the reality is more often than not we are preaching a message that has become so familiar to our ears that we don't even understand how desperate we are for it ourselves! This is why when J D Greear asked How can anyone who is truly saved be as messed up as I am? I wanted to beg for the answer. And then he goes on to remind us that "My identity and my security are not in my spiritual progress. My identity and my security are in God's acceptance of me given as a gift in Christ. And that's good, because if anything, I am more, not less, aware of my sin than I was ten years ago."

So, why the James reference in the beginning? At least for me, it explains a lot of how all this happened. I got so on fire to read God's word, to understand more of who He is, to be able to say that I had this Christian life down pat with all the right behaviors, (espeically that one about turning the other cheek) that I missed the entire point of the gospel, became my own mini-savior, and have been working to save myself from myself since. That is idolatry.....the root of every single sin we will ever commit. And God in His infinite wisdom gave me over to this depravity so that when I was ready and sick and tired of being exhausted all the time, we could start over.

Again, this might just be me, but I really don't think it is. I think we need a reminder and a refresher course every single day that the gospel is the only reason we woke up and have another opportunity to walk in the freedom Christ died to give us. I think we have to preach this message to ourself as often, if not more often, than we preach it to the ones we know who aren't believers. And I truly believe that if we got this, and let it do what God intended the gospel message to do in our lives, the church would be exploding just like it did in the book of Acts because we would truly stand out in the world the way we were always intended, as holy and set apart.

Father, I have traded the message You gave me years ago for a version of Christianity that has been based on works. And in your grace and mercy, You let me live this way until I was ready to see that something was wrong, and then you slowly pulled back that veil to show me part after part as I was ready to see and accept the truth and reality of my sin. You are truly nothing short of amazing. I pray that you would instill the message of the gospel in each of our hearts deeply and help us to preach it to ourselves daily so that it will manifest itself externally and impact everything we do and everyone we encounter, because nothing that is touched with Your presence is ever the same again. We love You. Amen.

~Gospel Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Possible by J D Greear

~Life Lived Beautifully facebook post by Gretchen Saffles, quoting Tim Keller in his book on marriage.

~A special thank you to Michelle Myers of sheworksHisway for mentioning the book by J D Greear. Your passion and dedication to serving the Lord and influencing women for Christ (especially me) is something I can never thank you for enough.

Unlimited Gifts

Having just finished One Thousand Gifts a few days ago, I started the One Thousand Gifts Devotional. What's interesting is that as I've been writing my list of things I'm grateful for, I've often looked at them and wondered if I have been writing down the correct things. Like, is this really a gift or is this just a reflection of my environment or current circumstance?

As I started a new book, Gospel by J D Greear, he quotes C.S. Lewis as saying, "Earthly pleasures are supposed to function like rays of the sun that direct us back to their source." If that is the case, then each gift I have given thanks for is definitely a gift.

Maybe it's just me, but for as many times as I've seen or read the suggestion of a gratitude journal, I've always assumed that the things we write should be loftier than what I've listed up to this point. Like they should all be the grand things, the things that are miraculous, or spectacular in more eyes than just my own. But the reality is that doesn't even make sense.

I could give a friend a t-shirt that has a Scripture quote on it that would look super cute with jeans in the fall. But if she isn't a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, while I am sure she would say thank you, it really wouldn't be a gift in her eyes. You give the gift you give based on what you know about the person.

So each of the gifts I have listed are really specific to me. Anyone could look at my list and think it's ridiculous because they wouldn't mean anything to them. But to me they are priceless. Why? Because they are the things I needed more than anything else in that moment and I recognized them as the perfect gifts God wanted me to have.

I don't know if you've read One Thousdand Gifts, and I don't know if you already have a gratitude journal or not. But I'd like to challenge you to join me in listing the gifts. What has God given you today that was just what you needed that put a smile on your face or even made you cry but let you know He was near? Not everything we are going to write is what we would ask for, but if God knows we need it for one reason or another, it's still a gift. And if the end result of all of them, even the ones we would prefer to return, is that we are more in awe of Him, I would think that makes it a good gift, too.

Father from the moment I wake up until I lay my head back down on the pillow, You give me the most incredible gifts. I can't thank you enough for opening my eyes to the unbelievable love that You choose to show me everyday. Give us all eyes to see how lavish You are in the things You send our way that are not only perfectly suited for us but intended to draw us closer to You. We love You and bend low in awe of Your amazing grace. Amen.

True Beauty

Sometimes you read the account of an event in the Bible and you are left with some questions. They aren't necessarily deep theological questions, but they are things that you are writing down to ask God when you get to heaven.

In Acts chapter 3, Peter and John are on their way to the temple to pray. We see in verse 2 that a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg. My first question is who was carrying him? My second and third questions are how long had they been doing this and did they have others who carried him to the gate on other days? Not that these answers really change things, I'm just super curious.

What we do know is that if he was put at the Beautiful Gate to beg from those going into the temple courts, this gate was clearly an entry way. This is where it gets interesting.

The Beautiful Gate is also called Nicanor's Gate, according to the Holman Illustrated Bible Dictionary. The name Nicanor means conqueror. So now we have a beautiful gate that is also a conquering gate.

Okay. This man is about to have an encounter with more than just Peter and John. When Peter tells this man to look at him, it says in verse 5 that the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them. What did he get? Healed. Where did he get healed? At the beautiful, conquering gate.

As the crowds gathered after seeing what happened, Peter lays it out. He tells them, "By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through Him that has completely healed him, as you can all see."

So, he was healed at the beautiful, conquering gate, by the faith that comes through Jesus. The Jesus who in John 10:9 calls Himself a gate, who makes us more than conquerors in Romans 8:37, and according to 2 Corinthians 4:6 has a face that is God's glory displayed. Call me crazy, but I'd bet my last dollar that is beautiful.

So maybe it's just me that's a little overwhelmed by this. But when you've been singing about the beauty of Jesus and His Name, something about this is just hitting deep into those places that are desperate to make Him bigger than I've let Him be. Because that's what we do, isn't it? We want Him to be big and strong, but like Natalie Grant sings, we put Him in a box because our minds cannot comprehend just how magnificent He really is and so we try to contain Him to what we can handle.

But not only is He the way and the truth and the life, but He is the way in, the Beautiful Gate. And when we enter through Him, one way or another, we are healed. And our healing leads to a transformation that has an effect on everything we do and everyone we encounter. And like this man, we should be walking, jumping, and praising God so that those who knew us before will be filled with wonder and amazement at what Jesus has done for us, and then want it desperately for themselves.

Lord, we thank you for making a way. We pray that we would realize just how much You have done for us and want to do through us because of the story You are writing in our lives. Make us bold to proclaim what you have done so that all will honor and glorify you. Thank you for the Beautiful Gate that allows us to cross into Your amazing presence. We love You. Amen.

Impossibilities

Nothing is impossible for God except.......

I know you what you are thinking. There are no exceptions in this. God can do anything. He is all powerful, all knowing, and there is nothing He can not do! And I almost agree with that.

Let me explain. Sometimes I think we get lax about clinging to God's promises. We know them in our heads but we might not be 100% believing them in our heart. We so desperately want Him to rescue us or fix whatever is wrong, and when He isn't moving as quickly as we would like, our faith can weaken, exposing some gaps. 

Knowing that this happens to me, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one with the ability to forget, I think it might be a good idea to have a list of what isn't possible for God to do, just in case.

It is impossible for God to.....

not be righteous

not reveal Himself

not love you

tempt you

lie to you 

not provide a way out

disown you

not forgive you

not redeem you

not have a plan for you

not repair what the locusts have eaten

not heal you

not order your steps

not make your path straight

not delight in you

not rejoice over you

not hear you

not answer you

give up on you

give you a spirit of fear

regret you

let you finish on your own

not be with you

abandon you

forsake you

not protect you

not give you boundary lines

not complete you

forget you

ignore you

disown you 

separate you from His love

Clearly this is not an exhaustive list. You can take any promise of God, figure out how your enemy will twist it, and remind yourself that God can not do what the enemy would have you believe He will do. 

I am so fired up angry about the devil right now. Maybe it's because I read something this week that so broke my heart I could scream loud and long. He is out to get us and his attacks are brutal. Thankfully the friend that was his target is wise enough to his schemes that she's not falling for it and she is standing firm on all the things that are impossible for God to do.

None of us will escape the enemy's notice, but we can make him sorry he decided to pick on us. Let's keep our minds focused just as much on what our good, good Father can't do as much as what He can and will do, and give that joy stealing thief a healthy reminder of what he foolishly gave up. 

Back on Track

As part of my summer study on discipline, I read 1 Samuel 3 this morning. This is the passage where the Lord calls to Samuel and Samuel keeps running to Eli until Eli realizes it is the Lord calling Samuel and then tells him what to do.

The Lord called for Samuel three times and each time the call went unanswered. But the Lord didn't give up on him. He waited until Samuel recognized His voice and then gave him the instructions He'd prepared. 

I don't think I'm the only one that has ever wondered if I've missed my time, my calling, my purpose, or God's plan. That's why this story gives me such hope. Sometimes I think God is calling us but we just aren't recognizing His voice for one reason or another. I don't know if it's chaos or distractions that interfere with our reception, but whatever it is, God is patient to wait it out.

I don't know if you need this reminder as much as I do today, but God is not through with you. He has a plan and He's been working on it diligently since before you drew your first breath. And whether you've gotten off track, made a huge detour, or have failed to believe that you heard Him correctly, all you need to do is pick right back up and let Him lead you where He's been taking you all along.

Job Description

In case you didn't know, Psalm 119 is long. Like 176 verses long. I don't think I've ever read the entire psalm before today. If you haven't, I'd highly recommend doing so. If you do, you'll find:

God is responsible for teaching, understanding, revealing, directing, turning, fulfilling, lighting, sustaining, unfolding, shining, preserving, opening, removing, remembering, giving discernment, and peace. And we are responsible for obeying, praising, learning, hiding, recounting, meditating, considering, seeing, delighting, choosing, setting, running, keeping, walking, seeking, remembering, finding, hastening, not delaying, longing, hoping, not forgetting, and not departing.

James 1:17 tells us that Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. Today as I read this Psalm slowly and deliberately, I realized that everything God is responsible for is a gift. But in order for us to recognize the gifts He wants to give, we have to know who He is and what He's about. And the only way we can hope to do that is through His word.

As I underlined so many parts, the ones that stick out the most are the pleas the psalmist expresses: give me understanding, turn my heart, fulfill your promise, take away the disgrace, remember your word, open my eyes. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in the doing and the reading that we honestly think we are the ones that control the growing, too. But we can never forget, even if we plant and water our own gardens, it will only ever be God that makes it grow. He alone determines the amount of fruit we will bear and in what season it will come.

I don't know what that does for your heart, but the promise of His faithfulness makes my heart want to soar. The understanding that He knows I need to be taught and given time to learn makes the burden easier and the yoke lighter. He really isn't expecting perfection from any of us as much as we might think He is. He just desperately wants our hearts to surrender to His control and pursue Him and His ways more than anything else.

Four to One

Today was the first day our son participated in the summer cross country conditioning program. When I picked him up at the end of practice he had a paper with a workout schedule, what he needed to bring with him for practice, and the exercises he needs to do for strength and mobility. It was amusing to read some of the exercises simply because I've seen the way he looks at me when I grunt through several of them. I imagine he's going to understand sooner than later.

One of the things he's supposed to bring with him is a snack for the end of practice. The snack is supposed to have a ratio of 4:1 carbs to protein. Unfortunately for a kid with limited interest in exploring new foods, I knew this was going to be a little more challenging for me to find something he'll eat. Needless to say, he'll be trying a 'complete cookie' this Friday for the first time. Say a prayer it goes well.

He asked me what the reason was behind the ratio. Truthfully, I don't have a clue because I'm not a nutritionist. I eat healthy and I try to keep my ratios in order with proteins, fruits, veggies, carbs, and healthy fats, but what the specific purpose of 4:1 is in recovery from a workout, I'm clueless. But as I sit here and think about it, I have to wonder if we would do well to implement the same strategy in our recovery efforts with God.

For everything that God has either delivered me through or from, I am not always great at remembering what he's done, how far he's brought me, or that an actual healing has taken place. There are some things that still trigger the same conditioned and fearful response I've always had, while others have been so settled with God they now roll away like water off a ducks back. (Those are the ones I am beyond grateful for because they were the worst of the worst.) But I can't help but wonder if there is a way to remember better.

When we're going through something difficult, we tend to have verses or passages of Scripture that we cling to and read so many times it's a miralce the words don't disappear off the pages from constant use. But when we come out the other side of it do we ever think to find the Scriptures that are the promises that were fulfilled through it? I know I haven't. But what if we did? 

What if we kept a record of God's faithfulness to his word when we come out on the other side of the Red Sea that we just crossed on dry land? What if we wrote down all the ways he saw us through, the blessings that resulted, and the healing that happend in our minds? What if we reminded ourselves constantly of just how good God has been BEFORE the next difficult thing happens? What if we had a running log of all the pieces of our heart that he picked up and put back where they belong and a tally of the little moments, words of encouragement, and songs that we heard at just the right time. What if?

I suppose coming to the end of reading all the pslams and One Thousand Gifts has opened my eyes to the possibility of a new way of living. I think about all the times it is written to remember, and the dangers of what happens when we forget, that has made me realize that the fullest life only comes when we live in communion with Jesus remembering and celebrating what he did for us on the cross and what he does to strengthen us every day.

I don't know what I'll be writing to remind myself of all the ways he's loved me. But I do know that I will be writing something because I don't want to live the rest of my life forgetful or in the conditioned responses I've clung to for far too long. I'd much rather relive every moment he's come through and saved me than rehash what I had to go through to find out if he would. And who knows, maybe I'll end up with four promises fulfilled for every one trial endured.

Jesus, the things you have healed in my heart and mind over the last year, especially the past 6 months, are nothing short of miraculous. And the ways you have done it has been nothing short of spectacular. Help us all to see the fulfillment of your promises to us in the trials we endure to see your glory revealed. Show us how to hold on to all the blessings and evidence of your grace rather than the pain of the fire we felt. Put a song in our mouths that sings your praises for all the ways you have shown us your power so that we might proclaim your name in all the earth. We love you and are thankful for all the ways you show your love to us. Amen.

Aware

Sometimes things are tough. We are yoked with circumstances we didn't anticipate, don't want, and can't do anything about. We are face to face with a lion that is hungry, positioned to attack, and isn't likely to get distracted by any tricks we might try. And honestly, we probably don't have the strength or presence of mind to even bother. And while we don't want to concede, we don't see any other option. As a last ditch effort we send up an SOS, hoping that someone will see. And someone always does.

While it would be nice to have God immediately remedy the situation we are in, often times that isn't his plan. Typically when we find ourselves in this kind of position, it is a period of refining. It's funny how we all love the benefits that result from the process but would much prefer to avoid the parts that hurt. And in the end, don't we always says it was worth it for what it did for our relationship with our heavenly Father?

But I wonder how often we realize that we are the ones meant to answer that SOS call. Are we looking at each other in the eyes deeply enough to recognize the feelings of helplessness? Are we listening intently enough to what is not said to hear the cry for mercy? Are we present enough in the lives of those we are close to so that we can notice something is a bit off? And are we willing to get involved when we do?

Each of us faces moments where the only comfort we can receive must come from God. He is the one that needs to bind up our wounds so that they can heal properly. But in turn, we are meant to take that comfort and pass it on. Sometimes that means sharing our story, sometimes it means interceding with prayer, and sometimes it means standing in the gap with enough faith for the one that feels like defeat is inevitable.

I pray that every day we would seek and find an opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. It can be a stranger, a neighbor, or someone that shares our walls. And while it might be easy to think that you don't know anyone who needs anything, maybe take a step back and think about what you would want someone to notice about you, and then go meet that need for someone else.

Lord, help us to see others as you see them and show us how to love them well. Open our eyes to the work you have prepared in advance for us to do as we become your hands and feet. And remind us that as you have comforted us, you call us to comfort others. We love and thank you for all that you will do in and through us. Amen.

Unrecognized Gift

So, about a week ago, I shared what God had been pressing on my heart about rest and sleep. I had finally reached a point (thanks to some very direct words by Rebekah Lyons) where I could no longer deny that I did not trust God with my time. I figured I had to be up early to get everything done and the demands of my body could be ignored. Clearly I know that logic is completely incorrect, but I'm stubborn and I was refusing to listen/obey.

So, I started on a journey at that time where I was setting my alarm for 1 hour and 20 minutes past the time I would normally get up. Yes, that still meant the alarm was going to go off at 4:00 AM, but I am pretty sure that slow changes work better, or at least that has been my experience so far in other areas. In choosing grace over perfection in this matter, if I woke up earlier than the alarm, I was just going to get up. Why? Because laying there trying to force sleep never works out well for me. If I'm up, I'm up, that's all there is to it.

Each day I made it a little farther than the night before. Still not quite the 4:00 AM mark, but I knew I was getting more sleep thanks to my fitbit tracker and so I considered that a sign of improvement. And when you factor in that I felt less stressed because I wasn't waking up to an annoying buzzer, that just seemed like the ultimate win, win. Plus I was still going to bed at roughly the same time, so I knew I was truly making some serious strides because I wasn't staying up late either to get more done.

Then this happened.

Last night we spent time with new friends at a birthday party for a friend of our son. We had an incredible evening of fellowship, laughter, talking, and getting to know some really lovely new people. While the night was supposed to wind up at 8:00, we were there just a tiny bit later, which got us home past my current bedtime. No big deal. But we had also been at the pool earlier and everyone needed to shower. That got me in bed, WAY past bedtime. It was tempting to set an alarm but I knew, that when my body had enough rest, I would wake up. And I did. And it was light outside. And I went into complete and utter panic mode. It was 5:20 AM

I would like to tell you that I calmed down quickly and accepted this gift of sleep from God as an enormous blessing. (It was afterall almost seven straight hours of sleep.) Sadly, that would be a complete lie. Instead it went more like this:

Quickly find note to know if husband needed up already or what time he wanted up. (I've been everyone's alarm clock for years so.....)

Grab clothes to get outside for walk before the sun is out and ablaze. (I am NOT walking at a time I would have to put on sunblock.)

Walk and then get back in to do regular workout.

Eat breakfast.

Start laundry.

Take very quick shower.

Get FIRST cup of coffee AFTER 9:00 AM

Straighten up.

Pray with husband and kids before husband leaves for work. (espeically that I would not remain edgy and out of sorts from my very abnormal start to the day)

Handle two phone calls.

FINALLY organize quiet time things at 11:00 AM 

Run quick errands before done with quiet time, come back to finish

Do not go to the pool.

I apologized to my husband while he was still home for being so grumpy. This is such a new thing for me and I knew it was going to be hard to adjust. But what upsets me the most is that God gave me this gift of sleep, and rather than thanking Him for it immediately, I was angry that I had been given it and accepted it, even if unconsciously.

Now, have I managed to get all the things done today that I wanted to do? No. Are some done much later than I thought they would be? Most definitely. Did I die? Obviously not. Am I okay with the rearrangement of my schedule and what He took off of my agenda? Absolutely.

It seems so unfair that I've been reading One Thousand Gifts, and for all the things I've learned in that book, this very practical application of giving thanks in what for me was a hard eucharisteo, I failed. Miserably. 

Sometimes obedience is hard. Not because we can't do the thing we've been asked to do, or because we don't want to, but because the results of doing it are so contrary to what we are used to getting. I am used to getting things done by a certain time. I am not used to feeling rested enough to still get them done and not be falling asleep while doing them. And while the latter should feel better, the first is my comfort zone. But a very wise mentor has taught me that growth doesn't happen in the comfort zone. Ever.

And so now I can give thanks to God for being merciful enough to begin teaching me these lessons during summer when I really don't need an alarm. And I can lift my hands to Him in praise for the sleep He gave to me, the one He loves. And I can learn to trust Him with His plans for my day, not just the agenda I had prepared. And maybe, just maybe, by the time summer winds down, I will be able to echo the sentiment of Elisabeth Elliot and say, I trust Him and will obey Him gladly. 

Father, You knew I needed sleep more than I needed to get up. And you know the reasons why you removed some of the things from my agenda for the day. And sometimes I need to remind myself just a little more frequently that Your ways and thoughts are way higher than mine. Lord, for so many of us it's a struggle to follow the way You lead, not so much where. Open the eyes of our heart to see where we need to yield more to Your direction and then help us to submit to Your plans. We want to do things Your way because we know it's best to live within the borders. We love You and praise You for Your great love. Amen.

Borders

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Pslam 16:6

Several years ago I memorized that verse. While most of my life I had been resistant to boundaries that I did not choose, I had learned at that time that the ones God puts in place are simply for my benefit. He knows me better than I know myself, He knows what is going to keep me in the safest place for the health of my heart, soul, and mind, and He knows what will keep me within His plan for my life. Any time I have ventured outside of the boundary lines He has clearly defined I have ended up in a heap of trouble, either emotionally or spiritually.

A lot of my adherence to the safety zone that God has given me has been largely based on a desire to be obedient to His direction. Not that that's a bad thing, but I've managed to continually look at it as having a cause and effect relationship in my life and that generally leads to legalistic thoughts which never work out well. Why? Because at heart, I am rebellious to the core. The minute I feel trapped, I want to break free in the worst way. Tell me I can't have or can't do, and I will crave it more than I need my next breath.

Perfect example: I was successful in losing some weight last year because my boundary lines were clearly defined. But once I saw that I could do it, I got lax about the place holders. I assumed I could do it on my own and manage to experience continued success. Sadly it resulted in utter failure. And while I didn't end up back where I started in the first place physically, mentally and emotionally, I was far worse off. Enter self-condemnation and shame. I think sometimes that needs to happen so that you can see that tools God has given you aren't a crutch, but rather a gift. It kind of makes me think of all the times He's provided the way out from under temptation and I felt like I needed to dig my own tunnel out from under it instead of taking His. Clearly you can see I have a rather stubborn streak. 

Anyway....

This morning I read Psalm 147. Verse 14 says: He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.

The one thing I didn't realize until the disaster of regaining some of what I had lost, was that I lost something of much greater value....peace. Because here's the thing, when we are walking in obedience with God, and in step with the direction His Spirit is leading, we are at peace. Regardless of what the situation may look like to others, or what the circumstances surrounding us appear to be, we have a peace that makes no earthly sense because we know, deep in our hearts, we are doing the right thing. Peace is the ultimate blessing that comes from the boundary lines and grace is what He pours out on us for just doing what we were supposed to do. It's not that we deserve anything extra, He gives it just because He can. Because He's ultimately a good, good father, and that's just what He does.

But He doesn't stop there, He sees it straight through to dessert. Because not only do we get peace and overflowing grace, but He satisfies us with the finest of wheat, the Bread of Life, to keep us from desiring anything else. Every.Single.Time. He sets us up for success. How can we possibly see that kind of beauty and turn it down?

I don't know what kind of borders you are walking within, or without. But I can say that if God has given them to you, defined them for you, and asked you to stick within them, it's for a reason: He has something to give you through them. And in a world as chaotic as ours can be, some peace in the borders seems like a pretty good idea to me.

Lord, we are so sorry for the times we have disregarded what You have clearly defined as Your best for us. We always think we know better and we are always wrong. But You never give up on us because Your love is greater than our sin and Your grace is greater than our shame. Help us to stay within the guardrails You have given us, knowing they are for our benefit. Help us to live a life worthy of the callings we have received and let it shine the light of Your amazing glory. We love you. Amen.

Hangry

Hangry: bad tempered or irritable as a result of hunger

When I was growing up, there were girls I considered my enemy because they considered me theirs. I could never figure out why the ones who didn't like me, didn't like me, because I was painfully shy and unpopular. I remember one time in high school walking home from the bus and a group of the popular girls drove by and one of them screamed my name and defined me with an expletive. To this day I don't know why. Of course 26 years later I don't really care either.

When I think back on those days and what an 'enemy' was, it's interesting to think about the characteristics they had in common with my true enemy. The ones that walked around in the school hallways wanted to kill my reputation, steal any chance of friendships I might have, and destroy any joy I felt. My true enemy attempts to do the same thing.

The girls in school I just ignored. Satan, that doesn't always work out so well for me. He can be pretty relentless in his pursuit of my mind and heart. And when I think about how Jesus defeated him in the desert with the word of God it made a verse in Proverbs from yesterday pretty interesting.

Proverbs 25:21 says: If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.

As soon as I read that verse, I immediately thought about Satan prowling around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I could be wrong, but the thought of a lion devouring something seems to me would be the likely result of being ravenously hungry. But for as many times as I have taken thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ, or spoken promises over lies, I never once thought about trying to shove a feeding tube into Satan or an IV filled with fluid to make him stop.

Satan was kicked out of heaven because he wanted power. He was craving it. And all this time that he spends trying to get at us, is because he's mad at God and attacks what God loves. We know this. But I wonder if we looked at our enemy as just being hangry if we'd be more inclined to try to force feed him the last things he wants to ingest: the bread of life and living water.

I don't know if it helps anyone but me to see it like this, but knowing how moody I can get when I'm hungry or craving something, I wonder if he picks his targets the same way. If he wants something sweet, does he go after the woman who's always serving others with a smile? If he needs protein, is he attacking the girl who has incredible leadership skills and is influencing her friends for Jesus? And if he's hungry for carbs, is he laser focused on the little one that is full of energy and leaves a bit of sparkle everywhere she goes? I don't think he's random in his attacks. I think he's pretty methodical about taking what God intends for good and trying to distort it in everyone's eyes.

It's so important that we keep ourselves well fed so that we are able to take our stand against the devil's schemes. And maybe as we are feasting on God's word, we can make a plate of leftovers for when the enemy shows up hangry to give him a dose of holy indigestion.

Paper Chains

Sometimes when I get myself into a conversation about something Scriptural, I can make myself dizzy. One thought leads to the next, and one verse sparks the memory of another, and before I know it, I don't remember where I started or how I ended up where I finished.

Often times when I am reading, the same thing happens. Rapid fire thoughts are going out in all directions and I can't write them quickly enough to make something coherent out of it. But today I tried something different. I made a circle.

My memory verse this week has been 1 Peter 4:12-13. Each day I write it out in my journal and then write something down about it that clarifies it further or applies to my current set of circumstances. Writing it has helped me memorize further, writing about it has opened my eyes to the deeper things God is trying to teach me.

Not coincidentally, I read a devotional this morning that was the second part of my circle. I ended up with five segments that I could name by the time I was done. I'll have to see how many I end up with by the time I'm done writing.

We all go through fiery ordeals. But the reality is a fire is what refines us because it burns out the things we don't need and only leaves what's actually worth something. And the truth is, these fires are a blessing. Because it is only through them that we can truly learn to trust God for what he is ultimately doing in our lives to achieve for us an eternal glory. But God, in his infinite wisdom, doesn't just give us these things, he asks us to do something with them: consider them pure joy. Why? Because they produce perseverance that ultimately makes us complete and not lacking anything. But here's the real kicker. He has given us a great high priest that can empathize with us because he endured it all in the first place and is willing to help us out as we go through it ourselves. It's like the ultimate open-book, open-note test. And even when we feel like giving up, when we don't think we can take one more step, or try one more time, he promises to use his strength to perfect our weaknesses.

Now, I am not a gardener or a farmer. In fact, I could kill a plastic plant. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that in order to grow well, plants need to be well cared for and fertilized. And if you've ever driven by a farm in the summer with your windows rolled down, you know exactly what 'that smell' is when it hits your nose. But that material is what makes the soil rich to grow amazing, tall, fruitful crops. And the sad reality is, in order to get those kind of results in our life, we have to go through some of it, too. But when we see the results, that's when we get to be overjoyed because his glory is being revealed.

This is what Ann Voskamp has been teaching me. It's easy to give thanks in and for the good stuff. But can we learn to give thanks for the hard stuff? Like when the car has an insane repair bill, when the blender breaks, and the cell phone dies all in a two week time frame. Or when we got a ridiculous assignment, on the same day we got our braces, and our mouth hurts so badly we can't eat. Or even when the phone call comes that says more tests are needed and you don't know if you can handle getting your hopes up one more time that THIS time could be THE time that everything goes back to the way it should have always been.

The fiery ordeals aren't easy. But we don't go through them alone. And for every single one I've gone through, I've ended up in a much closer relationship with God because of it. That alone has made it worth it every time, but it never ends there. The blessings of it never stop coming because the faith that was built up keeps getting stronger as I take a moment to meditate on all of his wonderful works and proclaim his great deeds. He sets us up for success, we just have to be willing to follow him and participate.

I don't know if you are going through something horrid right now, if you just came out of it, or if something is just around the corner. But wherever you find yourself in proximity to the flames, hold tight to the fact that you are not alone and that it is for this very purpose he is raising you up to show you his power. And as he takes you through, he opens his arms wide to be your source of refuge and will renew your strength until you are soaring like an eagle.

Lord, you never waste any of it. You use it all in the most astonishingly creative ways. Help us learn to trust you even when it all hits the fan and makes what looks like a terrible mess. Because what we might see as scattered waste, is your way of making the soil fertile everywhere to leave us with a well tended garden of beauty and fruit. We praise you for your faithfulness, goodness, and love. Amen.