Leading In Love

As a member of she works His way, the member challenge presented this month is to share what we admire about our husbands and how they lead in love.  Nothing in this world could give me greater joy than bragging about the man that I am honored to spend Valentine's Day number 18 with.

1.  The way he gently loves me in all of my mess.
2.  The way he lovingly encourages me to express my thoughts, concerns, and feelings.
3.  The way he challenges me to be better.
4.  The way he leads by example in everything he does.
5.  The way he is seeking after God himself.
6.  The way he builds up our kids.
7.  The way he cares for himself.
8.  The way he willingly invests time in our marriage.
9.  The way he suprises me just because he can.
10.  The way he makes me laugh.
11.  The way he appreciates and notices the little things.
12.  The way he is willing to help without hesitation.
13.  The way he humbly serves others.
14.  The way he acknowledges that Jesus is worth it.

I could list hundreds of reasons why I love and respect this man with every breath I exhale.  He doesn't back down from a challenge, he is quick to forgive and apologize, he is gentle and firm, and he never expects from others what he isn't willing to give himself.

On a warm August day in 1998, for some reason that has no other explanation than the grace of God, this man walked into my life.  A few short months after that, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  Nothing could have prepared me for the life we live, the love we share, and the things we have endured.....together.  I can't imagine a moment without him because he truly is my better half.

Happy Valentine's Day, Dave.  I am blessed to call you my husband.

True Love

A few months ago I decided to join an online community called she works His way.  This group exists to support women in business with Biblical based training to assist you in your desire to honor God with your work.  Granted, I don't have a 'business' other than being a wife, mother, etc., but the training in the classes that are offered and the opportunity to hold myself accountable to the knowledge I've been given, have been undeniable.  Just ask my husband and kids as they are the ones who have benefitted the most from it.

Additionally, because I have a gracious 13 year old that is willing to share his iPod, I downloaded the she works His way app.  You don't need to be a member of the community to benefit from the daily devotions that are posted Monday through Saturday.  And this weeks focus in the app?  You guessed it, the most popular of wedding passages, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.

Today Michelle shared of a practice she's been doing for years every February which is to write out this passage replacing the word love with her name.  Knowing how much I repsect her and her heart to help women, I decided I would write it out too.  #EyeOpeningMoment

Should you choose to do this, it would go something like this.....

Jenn is patient, Jenn is kind.  Jenn does not envey, Jenn does not boast, Jenn is not proud.......through Jenn never fails.

Clearly you don't need to get past the first three words before you realize that you just essentially wrote something that you want to be true, you really wish was true, you hope to someday be true, but are willing to admit wasn't true yesterday, probably won't be true today, and likely isn't going to be true tomorrow.  Let's face it, we have to repeat our words to our kids enough times to make anyone other than Jesus lose their minds.  And considering I have to drive on Route 28 today which ought to raise my blood pressure significantly itself, by the time I arrive at my destination, kind is most likely going to have left the building.  I won't even bother with the envy.

Despite my shortcomings in every area of this passage, I know a few things to be true:

1.  I can approach God's throne of grace with confidence to receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.
2.  There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  (no condemnation, not no conviction to improve)
3.  God doesn't expect me to be perfect and is more than willing to reach out His hand to help me back up and say, "Let's try this again." (And fyi, unlike a parent whose goal is to get their hand off of the back of the bike so their child can ride independently, that is never once His end game.  He isn't letting go.)

So, as I took this challenge today, I am presenting it to you.  Write it all out, replacing the word 'love' with your name.  Ask God to show you how you are doing with each of these opportunities to show love and how and where you need to improve.  This isn't about perfection and nailing it every time because we won't.  But we can get better, we can reflect Jesus more, and we can allow the love of God to transform us a little bit more every day.

Jesus, this isn't an easy thing to do.  Admitting where we are coming up short, particularly with those we love the most, is a difficult reality to face.  But we know that if You are bringing this to our attention, and You are starting the work, then You will see it through to completion.  Remind us to confidently approach Your throne of grace to receive the mercy we need when we fall short and the grace to help us do better next time.  It's in Your name of love we pray, amen.

Moving On

Yesterday I was reminded of one of my worst culinary disasters.  Not that I've had a lot, but that has nothing to do with expertise and everything to do with lack of confidence and sticking to what I know.

I believe I was in high school when it happened.  My mom was going to make stew for dinner.  Knowing I'd seen her do this many times, I thought that while she was at work, I would get it done for her.  And so I coated the meat, browned it, added the vegetables and water, and waited for it to thicken and turn into the comfort food my mom lovingly made for years.  If you've never made stew, in order to make it thicken, you coat the meat in flour.  FLOUR.  White, powdery flour.  Not having put away all the ingredients by the time she walked in the door, she looked at the countertop and asked me why the powdered sugar was out.  POWDERED SUGAR, not flour.  In my defense, it was white powder, it was in an unlabeled mason jar, and I used it.  Needless to say, we did not eat the stew.

I could also tell the "7 Layer Jello Salad" story.  I use the word 'layer' very loosely.....just like the salad was very loosely held together and looked more like tie dye soup.  Then there was the Andes Candies Cake-like Dessert that was missing the second stick of butter.   And while I am sure I have more stories like this I've probably blocked them permanently from memory.

But here's the thing.  I didn't let those things stop me from learning how to make the things I do make well like lasagna, meatloaf, sloppy jo's, meatballs, sauce, stuffing, or candied carrots.  I was determined to not let past failure keep me from experiencing success in the future.

However, there are places in my life where I have let the past dictate what I am or am not willing to try again in the present and future.  Because when there is risk of failure in the kitchen, you can immediately rectify it with another food.  When there is risk of failure that breaks your heart, that is not such an easy fix.

Being an introvert by nature, it's difficult to put yourself out there in the hope that you'll be accepted and liked just for who you are, not what you bring to the mix.  I've never been the life of the party, I would rather curl up in a corner than be the center of attention, and I will not join a group of friends in conversation if I wasn't there at the start.   There are people I haven't even friend requested on facebook for fear they will not accept or won't remember me.  True story.

But here's the thing.  I'm not called to live this way.  Jesus knew He was going to be rejected, specifically by the people He came to save.  He knew Judas would sell Him out, Peter would deny Him, Thomas would doubt Him, and Paul would persecute Him.  But none of that stopped Him from reaching out to love others and love them well.  And from my own story, I can say that He passionately and lovingly pursued me until I could no longer deny that my need of Him was greater than my fear of rejection by Him.  Because when you look in the mirror and see all the mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and blunders, it's hard to believe that even Jesus could love the hot mess you see reflected.

It's not easy to put yourself on the line when you are risking your feelings being trampled, but the reward of sweet communion when it is reciprocated makes your heart swell.  On this amazing Sabbath Day, as you head out to church and hear the Gospel proclaimed, go in with the expectation and knowledge that Jesus is not only waiting for you, but He is bursting with joy to see and spend time with you.  Let Him in to all those broken and fractured places, the homes of past mistakes, and let Him make you whole again so that you can be His hands and feet to others like yourself.

Jesus, more than anything we want to see ourselves as You see us ~ forgiven, worthy, valuable.  Help us to truly believe that Your love for us is unconditional and that through Your Spirit we can overcome our past and move boldly into the future You have planned for us.  In Your precious and redeeming name, amen.

Redeeming Love

I read a post on facebook earlier from a friend who is writing an article on marriage.  She asked the question:  What's the secret of staying married?  Buried deep in the comments was this:  how to keep deciding to love when it's hard.

As I've mentioned before I am reading The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.  This book has challenged me in ways I didn't know I could be challenged.  It has given me a perspective I functioned without but can not pretend I do not have now.  It has blessed me with the opportunity to understand what love is in a way I didn't know was possible.  But it has also left me with choices that need to be made that are both difficult and necessary.

In the beginning of Chapter 8, Ann presents this question:  "What if you break open your one heart and risk pouring out your one life in givenness and you aren't received as being enough to actually be loved back?"

Now, I am not about to get into my entire life history, but I can tell you without sharing details, that I know something about that.  I know exactly how it feels to give everything of yourself in the hope of being loved the way you desperately want to be loved only to find out, "You are not worth my time, effort, affection, attention, self-sacrifice."  And it hurts.  And it leaves you wounded.  And the scars never disappear.

So then, how do you take the risk again?  How do you get back up from feeling completely unworthy, unlovable, damaged, and dirty to try one more time in the hopes that this time will be different?  That this time love will stick?  That this time the love will be accepted, treasured, and reciprocated?

At the time of my life that this happened, I didn't know Jesus the way I do now.  So, I can unequivocally say it was nothing but God's grace that picked me up and gave me the wherewithal to do it.  I may not have known it at the time, but I can undoubtedly see it in retrospect.

However, without having been healed properly, the wounds that remained have followed me up to this point.  There are still triggers that sometimes feel like they willl never go away and still keep walls built up around my scared heart.  It's one of the reasons I bought this book.  I'm tired of living this way.  I certainly don't want to continue this way.  I absolutely don't want to die this way.

Through this process, I have come to see that God can take the most painful parts of your past and redeem them in probably the most painful, but effective, ways.  What left you shattered before can actually work to make you whole again.  And while I might not have chosen the methods God has decided to use in this long, daunting, arduous journey, I can tell you, He makes it personal enough to get your attention to make you realize something bigger than you think is at stake.  Because sometimes it's about more than restoration of what the locusts have eaten, sometimes it's about growing your faith in a way that makes you understand your absolute and utter dependence on the love of Jesus.

But back to Ann's question.....how do you risk loving when you aren't guaranteed a return?  I can give you the cliche answers of trusting God, having enough faith to muster up your strength, and believing that God's plans are good and that He'll see you through what might feel like the valley of the shadow of death.  I could tell you to rely on the Spirit that lives in you that has the same power that rose Jesus from the grave.  And while all of those are true, I don't believe that any of those things will independently get you off the ground and willing to put one foot in front of the other.  The reality is, you need God's grace.  You need His grace to give you another chance, another glimmer of hope, another glimpse of belief that this time will be different and worth it.

As Chapter 8 comes to a close Ann writes: "The risk of a vulnerable communion always leaves you tasting the grace of Christ."  Opening your heart isn't easy.  Pouring out your heart can feel like you are holding a 10 gallon bucket trying to pour into a dixie cup without spilling.  But oh to taste the grace of Christ when He exceedinly and abundantly gives you more than you could have ever asked or imagined, makes every tear, heartache, and frightened step worth it.

Jesus you gave your life for us because You believed loving us was worth the risk of being rejected.  Fill us with your love, a love that heals our wounds and gives us the strength to love others, risking it all, to taste the sweetness of your grace.  Amen

Imperfect Vision

Yesterday I had my annual checkup with my opthamologist.  This is probably my least favorite appointment of the year because I have to have my eyes dilated.  The drops sting, the wait time is usually long, and it never fails to snow.  In case you haven't experienced dilation, sunlight, in any amount, glistening off of white snow is awful when your eyes are compromised.  And most annoying is that huge pupils look creepy.

Last year when I went, I was in the third book of a four book series and I was desperate to read.  After I got home, I forced myself to struggle through pages, holding the book at a distance and odd angles, just so I could make out the words enough to continue my obsessive need to find out what was coming next.  It wasn't easy, but I did it. (#TwilightEclipse)

Yesterday, being more impatient than last year, I took a book with me, determined to read while I waited to be seen.  That proved to be more difficult but not impossible.  It helps if you are stubborn and determined.  (#TheBrokenWay)

As my eyes later began to return to their normal state and reading wasn't a challenge, it made me appreciate my vision in a way I hadn't before.  It's something I take for granted so often, not thinking that something will ever permanently effect my ability to see.  But the days are unpredictable and we never know what is coming around the bend.

When I read my Bible this morning, I thought of the words of Amazing Grace ~ I was blind but now I see.  Every time God reveals a truth about Himself, His character, His ways, or our hearts, it's an opportunity to have the blinders removed and our vision restored.  Those personal revelations should be met with the same thankfulness I had yesterday when I didn't have to struggle to read the pages of my book but they often aren't.  They may make my heart leap in the moment, but soon after they are forgotten, misplaced, uprooted.  Why is that?

I have read books meant to help me with my faith journey.  As I was in the midst of them, the words were powerful, having an impact, and producing fruit.  But once they were finished, the message was lost, the lessons forgotten, and the truths diminished.  How does it happen that you go from blind, the ability to see, and blind again so quickly?

What I'm beginning to realize is that the messages, lessons, and truths aren't really as lost as I was before I was found.  They are there in my heart.  I am just expecting miraculous conversion after miraculous conversion.  And while God is certainly capable of doing that, for the most part, the differences in my life before and after Christ entered my heart, isn't a series of spectacular firework displays.  It's the slow, steady movement of growth, imperfect progress, and increased dependence on Him for everything.

One of my favorite verses for years has been 1 Corinthians 3:7 ~ So neither the one who plants or the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.  I have always had a tendancy to try to make my garden grow.  Sometimes I think I get myself involved in online Bible studies, my own stack of books, and every other resource I can get my hands on as my own personal Miracle Grow supplement.  But the lasting changes that God desires for me aren't the ones that happen over night and quickly, but the ones that happen over time that allow me to realize I don't ever want to go back.

It would seem that God is sublty reminding me that slowing down, enjoying the process, and just resting in Him is a good idea.  I don't want to get so caught up in getting wherever I am going that I miss the beauty of where I am now.  He has me here right now for a reason.  Maybe it's time I focus on the truth that I've been put here for such a time as this and not for a time to come.

Jesus, you came when it was Your time.  You put me here because this is my time.  Keep my eyes fixed on You in where I am now not to where I hope to be someday.  Remind me that my vision is limited and that what you have planned is exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine.  In Your precious name, amen.

Choosing Better

If you know me personally, you know that the most challenging thing for me to do is rest.  Whether I am sick, injured, or tired, I often keep going, racing to get things done, based on a deadline that doesn't actually exist.  I'm not sure how or when this incredibly unhealthy habit started.  I am also aware that it needs to stop.

Sitting at my table, I just looked up and saw my daughter's iPad.  I'm not sure if you know this (I didn't), but if you plug in an iPad to have it charge without shutting it down, that little white plug gets pretty toasty.  Maybe not 'start a fire' toasty, but enough that if you touch it, it's definitely warm.  If you shut it down while it's charing, it still gets warm, but not toasty.

Anyway, it made me think about my quiet time with God.  I love learning about Him, His ways, and what He wants from me.  But what I'm super bad at, is resting in Him.  I read with intent to learn and grow.  This is not necessarily a bad thing in itself.  But if that's all you ever do, eventually, you are probably going to overheat and not function optimally.  Between Bible studies, devotionals, books I read, people I listen to, I never just sit and read my Bible for the sheer pleasure of being with God.  It's like I'm constantly in a professional development seminar or self-improvement class.  Yes, there is a time and place for that in my life, but it shouldn't be my all consuming priority.

When I had my babies I held them constantly.  My poor husband would have to pry them from my arms when he was home from work because I always had to have them close to me.  I miss those days.  I'm sure I could attempt to do that now but (a) they'd likely crush me and (b) the teenage boy might look at me like I've lost my mind.

But I wonder if God feels this way about me?  What if He is waiting for me to just curl up next to Him as I read His word just so He can love me well?  What if this has been the missing piece all along?  I used to do this.  I would read 'all the books' to help me understand the concepts beyond my reach but then I would read His word and see His love glaring off the page.  Somehow I got so hooked on learning (shocking, I know) that I became obsessed with wanting to know and understand more.  Unfortunately, I have been neglecting the time I need to have to let Him root it deeply in my heart.

Last summer I bought a Giving Key necklace that has the word Breathe on it.  I bought it because of a song I love (Breathe by Jonny Diaz) and the breath of the four winds in Ezekiel 39.  But what just occurred to me is that the refrain in this song declares these words......"Breathe, just breathe, come and rest, at my feet."  For the girl who doesn't stop, this seems almost impossible.  But for the girl who doesn't stop, this seems to be most necessary.

And so today I resolve to slow down.  I want to open my Bible and breathe in the words that the breath of God put on those pages.  I want to come to Him and rest at His feet so He can do what He does better than anyone else:  Love me unconditionally.

Father, we live in a world that promotes more, faster, better, bigger.  But that's not a philosophy we should adopt and never one we should apply to our time with You.  Help us, especailly me, to slow down, to be in Your presence without an agenda, to let you love us unconditionally so that we can be healed and whole.  In the precious name of Jesus we ask these things, amen.

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Isaiah 39

If you were to have company over and give them a tour of your home, what would you show them?  Would you focus on the things you have accumulated of your own accord, the gifts you've been given by others, or maybe the things that were unexpected?  Whatever you show is an indication of what's in your heart, and what you expect from your audience is a litmus test for your soul.

Hezekiah has some colleagues show up and he shows them his storehouses filled with silver, gold, spices, and olive oil.  To me that would be the equivalent of whipping out a bank statement, a portfolio snapshot of a 401K, and opening the fridge.  Why you would do that is beyond me and I imagine would be somewhat off~putting to your guests.

Granted we all have "things" we are thrilled about.  The questions we need to ask ourselves is why they make us so happy and what they represent to us.  I was not at Hezekiah's palace that day to know what his demeanor was while showing his visitors around.  But knowing they came because he had been sick and was healed, I would like to think that he was still recovering and perhaps would have been a little more humble than he appears in this narrative.  What makes it worse is that afterwards Isaiah prophecies the Babylonian exile and he thinks that will be a good thing because it will equate to peace and security in his lifetime.  I am not the wisest person on earth by far, but I do know enough to understand that peace and security will never come from a change in circumstances.  Peace and security only come from hope in an unchageable God.

There's a part of me that wants to believe that it at least occurred to Hezekiah to show his guests the letter from Sennacherib, the one he prayed over, the one that God gave him victory over.  I would like to think he showed them the wall he was facing when he found out he was going to die only to be given a second chance at life after declaring that God should do what is good in His eyes.  But sadly I don't think either of these things crossed his mind.

The world today places so much emphasis on what we own.  And even though we know we can't take it with us, there is still a part of us that searches for significance in our possessions.  I pray that we would take to heart the words of Jesus when He told us to store up treasures in heaven where moth and rust cannot destroy and thieves cannot break in and steal because the things of this world can never define our value no matter how much they are worth.

Father, the greatest treasures we have are your love and faithfulness.  I pray that we would display those things first and foremost.  Keep our eyes fixed steadily on the gifts of your grace and mercy knowing that they are the things that will last forever.  Remove from our hearts anything that we connect to our identity that is not of You and remind us that our peace and security are found in the knowledge that you are the same yesterday, today, and forever.  Amen.