Shaking In My Boots

There is this annoying phrase in the Bible that has always bothered me. Probably because I thought I got it but really didn't. I'm not even sure I have it now. But I do think I have a better grasp on it than I have in the past. The phrase? Fear of the Lord.

When I heard that phrase in the past, I always associated it with Adam and Eve hiding in the garden afraid of what God was going to do to them for their misdeed. As a result, I have applied it to my life in the exact same way. Now the ridiculousness of this is beyond what I could ever convey in a blog post simply because it's so absurd. Why? Because the idea of hiding from God is not only cray cray but Biblically impossible. Not convinced? Read Psalm 139. Whatever we think we have kept hidden from God because we think we did it without His knowledge, He is already fully aware of it because His presence is always with us. So, if we think we are sneaking that extra bit of chocolate, there is at least One who already knows.

Back to fear.

It's taken a good bit of Bible reading all over the place to realize that fear of the Lord is not the kind of fear a puppy displays when a massive storm is hitting. This is way different, way better, and something we really should be embracing. A lot.

Fear of the Lord has more to do with realizing His bigness, attempting to wrap our mind around His sovereignty, and, as much as we are able, understanding the depth of His faithful love and abundant grace. Why? Because if we can even start to get that it should make us shake in our boots because that kind of love is too much for us to ever comprehend. It is meant to make us tremble because we begin to see just a glimpse of how holy He is and how undeserving we truly are.

This is why Paul's words in Phillipians are so incredible. He writes: Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

Okay, so the theological definition of salvation is this: deliverance from sin and its consequences, believed by Christians to be brought about by faith in Christ. And that can trip us up. Or at least it did me. Why? Because if Jesus died and rose and I've accepted His forgiveness on my behalf, what is there to work out? But then, something else somehow came crystal clear. I can only say it was a divine moment where God showed me something about salvation.

Salvation can be broken up into three R's. Rescue. Redemption. Restoration.

Jesus saved me from myself and my sin.

Jesus redeemed me and redeems my horrible mistakes.

Jesus restores me to a right relationship with God because I am in Him (in Christ).

So why is that still worked out if Jesus even said on the cross, "It is finished"? Because we still falter and flail in our sinful flesh, we need to go to God in confession that we can boldly do because of Christ's work on our behalf, and then in His presence we truly get His great, faithful love which doesn't leave us because we are in Christ and therefore have forgiveness. And seriously, fear and trembling? Probably more like plates shifting in a massive earthquake if we get how incredible it really is that He restores us so we can keep moving forward instead of sitting in an ash heap feeling completely unworthy and useless.

But here's the best part. That perfect love that casts out fear? This is it. Love that says no matter what we've done I'm not leaving you. Love that says no matter how hard you try to push me away I'm still going to pursue you. Love that says even though you think you've ruined everything, in my hands, I can make it into something you can't even imagine. His love doesn't punish, it redirects. And sometimes that redirection hurts because we have made the path harder by our choices and now our new starting place is hard. But this love should make us run to Him to confess and ask for help so that we can continue to work it all out, one moment at a time, until we see Him face to face.

I am thoroughly convinced that our view of fearing the Lord has been tainted by Satan's whispers. He's the one with the vested interest in making us try to avoid God at all costs. Because if he can drive that wedge and make the gap wider and deeper than we think can be bridged, his work is done, and he's laughing at us the entire time because he convinced us to believe what he knows full well isn't true. Chew on that for awhile.

Personally, as awkward as it feels because I'm not very good at it because I haven't really made it a practice, I need to start confessing to God a lot more. As I said before, saying I'm sorry to the one we offended is not the same because it is truly only against God that we sin. (you can read that post here) And the best part is, in doing so, I'll continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling which is a good thing. Because even though I am not able to get how incredible He is while I'm drawing His breath, I can intentionally seek more glimpses of it and let Him build my faith and confidence in the process.

The Boomerang Effect

Last week I mentioned the idea that instead of living fearless, that perhaps we are supposed to live and fear, less. This was mentioned at Bible study on Friday and at the time I was reminded by our leader of something that had been said previously, basically recognizing what's going on and then getting back on track faster. It made me think of a boomerang.

When we think about that strange object that somehow through physics is thrown and then returns to the sender, we typically picture someone that looks like Crocodile Dundee in the Australian outback. But what if we gave it a more godly appearance and looked at it through a spiritual lense and apply it to what we go through when it comes to fear.

The best acronym I have ever heard for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. And if anyone is out to strike fear in our hearts it's the enemy. His goal is to convince us beyond a shadow of a doubt that we have been separated from God's love, which is, by the way, the root of all fear.

Now, if we are IN Christ we know that nothing can separate us from His love. However, the enemy will do whatever he can to make us believe otherwise, including throwing us for a loop. But if we were to consider ourselves a boomerang, believing fully that we are God's dearly and beloved children, we know we will return to Him. It won't stop the enemy from trying, but eventually, no matter how hard or far he manages to toss us, we are never out of God's reach and something in us, like the mechanics of a returning boomerang, will draw us back.

The thing with fear is that on this earth something will always happen that manages to take us by surprise. But what if we could remember in those moments that we've just become a boomerang, tossed by the enemy who had no right to pick us up in the first place, and immediately started returning to the place we aren't meant to leave, the shelter of God's wings?

Fear, when it comes to fear of the LORD, has a place. But that kind of fear is vastly different than the one the enemy is trying to make a part of our DNA. And while our natural instinct is likely always going to be to respond in fear when something unexpected happens, the moment we recognize it and name it as such, the faster we'll return to safety.

I don't know about you, but I am pretty tired of always being afraid of the unknown. Because the truth is, even what is unknown to me, is clear as day God. And as long as He's in charge, I think it's safe to say we can start to fear less. So instead of having our fear be a returning boomerang, let's let it be the kind that God casts out with His perfect love, as many times as is necessary, and then let's avoid picking it back up by sticking close to Him.

Giving Keys

For some time I have been wearing Giving Keys. If you aren't familiar with them, you should be. They aren't something magical or mystical. I like to think of them as the modern tassels worn in the Old Testament.

Giving Keys have a single word on them. The three that I wear say: Breathe, Believe, and Fearless. Each key has a scriptural reference that is signficant to me in what I desperately want God to accomplish in my life and what I need to do in order to cooperate with any internal overhaul He might be leading me towards. Essentially they are reminders. Reminders to breathe (or as I call it perform Holy CPR) in truth and exhale disbelief when faced with a moment I think I might actually be separated from the love of God.

The idea is to wear the keys until you no longer need them and then give them away, hence the name Giving Keys. What's interesting is that I haven't felt compelled to relinquish any of my words yet because I know God is still at work and that He will tell me when the time comes.

What's exciting is that one of my words has taken on new life: fearless.

While I would prefer not to admit this, I tend to operate a lot out of fear. Things I do and don't do in order to ensure later outcomes. (Don't splurge on dessert for the family to make sure you have the extra money for 'x' ~ whatever 'x' might be.)

And while there is nothing wrong with sticking to a godly budget, when you say no to something because of fear, there's a lot wrong with that.

Much of this has to do with my upbringing. I still live in the Guilt Zone. The one that still says If you hadn't ............... then this wouldn't have happened. For the majority of my life, my reality could be listed in a series of proven hypotheticl statements. In refence to the ice cream scenario above.....if you hadn't splurged on dessert, you would have saved the extra money for this unexpected situation and now you are stuck because you didn't. No lie. This is what it is like to live inside my head.

Back to the point.

Fearless I have recently come to understand (praise God) is not necessarily about living a life of never being afraid of anything, but about fearing LESS. As in not every blessed moment of every single day.

Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but not by much.

The reality is, the more I focus on my fears, the more I am telling myself I don't trust God. Ouch. And the more I tell myself I don't trust God, the more I fear. The more I fear the less restful sleep I get. You see the cycle. It doesn't get better. It just spins and spins and spins.

Now, if there were a simple solution to this, like say swallowing a pill, the whole problem could go away. Except pills like that don't really exist. However, I learned something on my wedding day. Just like I gripped my dad's hand as hard as I could and made his knuckles turn white, I can do the same with God. Now, I can't squeeze His hand so hard as to cause Him pain, and frankly, I think He might like me holding on for dear life rather than telling myself He's not trustworthy. But that's just a hunch.

There are hard, scary things we will face in this world. An unexpected diagnosis, an unanticipated loss, and tragedies that should never, ever happen. And when those things pop up, we will feel fear. It's natural to respond to the things that throw us off our game. But we can take them straight to God, hold His hands, and ask Him to help us fear......less. Because if we do that, and just grip onto Him with everything we've got, we'll soon see our tight grip loosening as our hands get tired and see that He's still not letting go.

Reality Check

Several weeks ago I read/flipped through one of those 'health' related articles that shows up on MSN when you log out of hotmail. The title, "26 Things That Happen To Your Body When You Don't Get Enough Sleep".

Among my favorites:

You get more anxious
And more stressed
Slow metablolism
You gain weight
You are not as athletic anymore
Harms cognitive function
Alzheimer's is more likely
Type 2 Diabetes is more likely
Blood pressure goes up
Risk of heart disease increases
Risk of stroke, too

The reality is, I don't get enough sleep. If a person should get between 7 and 8 hours a night, and on average, I maybe get 6, I am short at least one night of sleep per week. Multiply that by the number of years I have been doing this, and well, it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

A few years ago I found this nugget of wisdom in Psalm 127: In vain you rise early and stay up late. Pretty much had me pegged. Why? Because getting up at 2:40 AM is not productive, it's vanity. And okay, stupidity. Because reality says that just because the time says "AM" does not mean it's morning. 2:40 AM is the middle of the night.

Why have I done this? And for so long?

To (a) read my Bible before anyone gets up, (b) be done exercising before anyone gets up, and (c) for the past couple of years have my blog post done before anyone gets up. All noble reasons because I don't want what I want to do, or feel I need to do, to interrupt anyone else. Except realistically speaking, if it kills me (and by the list of potential health consequences it will) I wouldn't be able to interrupt anybody or be of any use to them at all.

But for me it goes beyond vanity straight to idolatry. Because I don't trust God with my time to be able to help me get done what I want to get done. And therein lies the problem. I am sure God would help me find the time to spend in His Word, but do I trust Him to help me with the other two? Nope. Not at all. Just being honest here. Why? Because I have lived believing the lie that 'if it's to be, it's up to me.' And fyi, that is a dangerous lie. Not just because it's unbiblical, but because it's detrimental.

So, in case you had any doubts about how deep my Type A, Control Freak problems went, now you know. They are not only significant, but serious.

I can't say God hasn't been pressing me on this issue for awhile and that to come to it now is any form of obedience. Obedience would have been years ago. This can't even count as a delay. But at the same time, and not to excuse my behavior, I wasn't ready to see it. And I believe He knew that. Because sometimes I think God in His grace and wisdom lets us continue until we reach a point that we know His way really is the only way so that we won't revert back to our own way.

So what does this mean? I'm not sure quite yet. I just know I need to slow down. But as He works on my heart and mind to trust His leading more, even in something as mundane as sleep, my encouragement to you is this: If God has been pressing something on you, and for longer than you would feel truly comfortable to publicly admit, maybe it's time to listen. If the last couple of days are any indication, it's worth it. I promise.

Speechless

Nutrition

Whole 30

Paleo

Vegan

Vegetarian

Gluten Free

Keto

Mindful Eating

South Beach

Atkins

The list of options is pretty extensive when it comes to how we are going to fuel our bodies. But maybe instead of being restrictive or select, we should focus more on the fact that we are sitting at the table. Because if we are blessed enough to eat dinner as a family on a regular basis, the reality is, we have two other meals, breakfast and lunch, that we probably think we are eating alone. But we aren't. And perhaps if we start to see them as a time of communion, not only we will be well fed, we might actually begin to understand what it means to be truly satisfied.

Hard Things

Most of us, given the opportunity, would avoid doing the hard things. We tend to like comfort, ease, and little to no difficulty in our lives. But sometimes we are faced with two choices, neither of which is a preferred option, and even describing one as the lesser of two evils seems significantly understated.

If you know me personally, you know I tend to live in a bubble. My bubble is 5 miles around. I go so far north, south, east, and west, and don't like to go outside my bubble except on rare occasion. Why? I don't know. I am sure there is some lie I am believing about why I don't like to go farther but at this point I have no idea what it is.

Typically this is the worst when my kids are in school. I always feel a need to be within arms distance, just in case. And, if I have to be farther away, it best be early so that I have plenty of time to accomodate for unexpected circumstances that might interfere with my ability to get there at the time I need to pick them up. Believe me, you can't make this up.

No one else I know lives like this. Certainly no one in my family. I've gotten slightly better over the years but I am no where close to an uninhibited point of taking full advantage of the time my kids are in school to be able to go places or do things. It's so sad. Sort of. I get a lot done in other respects which makes 'home' easier.

That said, yesterday my kids were off. We went to see my friend that recently relocated to a secure, safer environment for her memory problems. First, this was way outside of my 5 mile rule. Second, this involved major highway driving. Third, I haven't driven this road myself in more years than I can count and the last time I was on it, my husband was driving and I probably had my eyes closed freaking out because it's fast and there are semis. Going the speed limit was difficult let alone those that were not happy with the fact that a rule follower was in front of them and they did not feel any particular affection for obeying the posted signs.

When we got there I was relieved. Except I realized I'd have to do it again in less than two hours and in reverse.

But I had a choice to make. Do the hard thing and see my friend OR avoid the hard thing and endure not seeing my friend.

You would think that would be it. Except it wasn't. Because reality set in of what she really needs. Locked doors. Limited access. Comprehensive routines. Clear expectations. And it was hard. Really hard to see.

As if that weren't enough, others I saw were indicative of what her future could likely be. That was not only sobering but incredibly difficult to accept.

But here's the deeper question: After all the prayers we prayed, am I willing to accept that this situation equates to God feeding the birds?

Matthew 6:26 says Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet Your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (NIV)

Several weeks ago I took the man-child to a student ministry event. While I wasn't thrilled to see that someone left a partial slice of pizza in the grass, I smiled at the bird eating it thinking of this verse. And I can't help but think that my friends new living situation is the exact same thing.

God knew where she would need to be.

God knew the parameters that would need to be in place to keep her safe.

God knew the type of people she would need to be surrounded by in order to thrive as best as she can.

And as painful as it is to admit this, He also knew the physical distance that would have to separate us for both her benefit and mine. Because if she were closer, I would be there all the time which would be extremely difficult on me and make an adjustment for her much harder.

And so we have two birds, given exactly what they need, for the reasons they need it. And in the process I am being stretched to not only deepen my trust in God's provision, but to have my bubble get a little bit bigger. (Honestly it felt more like it expanded to the point it would almost pop, especially considering the pain in my hands from white knuckling the steering wheel driving there. This is a great indication of my husband's ability to love me well since I am like this as a passenger, too.)

We might not like the food being served up, but either way, if it's coming from God, it's the provision He's sending. And considering He knows the hunger in us that most needs satisfied, maybe we could just start giving Him the benefit of the doubt on the menu choices He presents.