Are You Willing?

Matthew 4:24  News about Him spread all over Syria, and people brought to Him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering with severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and He healed them.

Every now and again you get a stirring, deep in your soul, that God is doing something big.  No, not big, huge.  It's a cross between nervous butterflies, overwhelming fear, and gut-wrenching hope. Slowly it begins to creep up inside of you, to the point that you feel as if you will burst, but you don't know where or when it will happen and who it will cover in the process.  That's where I am.

In the past couple of weeks I have finished two books, and continue to work on the third.  First, Rebekah Lyons book You Are Free releases today.  This book opened my eyes to areas of bondage I didn't know I had.  There is no doubt God put it in my hands for purposes yet to be revealed that go way beyond the obvious blessings it has already brought.  Second, is Kyle Idleman's new book, Grace Is Greater that releases next week.  Nothing was more shocking than finding a bitter root had grown inside me that I didn't even know existed, never mind the fact that I'd been cultivating it for years. Third is The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.   This book has to be read slowly and digested intentionally because it is a heavy dose of what it means to share in the sufferings of Christ and what that looks like in the individual life.  It is convicting in the best possible way.

That said, the first two books, I was divinely selected to be part of the book launch process.  If you know anything about that, I'd liken it to winning the lottery.  Tons of people apply to review the book before it's released and so getting picked to be one of 500 is not a guarantee.  Clearly, God has gone out of His way on this one which makes me all the more grateful and nervous at the same time.  The overlapping nature of these messages is not a coincidence which can only mean that a birth of some sort is looming in the very near future.

So what does all of this have to do with Matthew's account of Jesus healing those who were brought to him?

Years ago, I felt God place a call on my life to go back to teaching.  After some long conversations with Him, and the absolute realization that I can not return to the elementary classroom, I soon discovered that in some capacity yet to be realized, God wanted me to teach His word.  I have no idea how He plans on working that out if it will ever go beyond this blog.  But considering my love of writing, this is certainly good for now and I am beyond thankful for the opportunity.

But it occurred to me that people who write or teach are trying in their own small way to help others get better.  They, like me, have an insatiable desire to see people realize who Jesus is in all of His glory, love, and perfection.  It becomes painful to watch people do things the hard way knowing that Jesus wants to see them through whatever valley they seem to be stuck in.  But an amazing thing happens in the process.  When you become the hands and feet to help others get better, you get better yourself.

I think about the people that were brought to Jesus at this time and those who brought them.  They viewed their loved ones as needing the ultimate healing from something that was tangible. But in their desire to see another made well, they witnessed miracles that would have greatly affected themselves and healed things that were intangible and maybe not even a part of their conscious awareness.  That's just who Jesus is.  He takes your desire to help one and uses it to help you.

I don't know what's around the corner for me.  I have something on my calendar that could make the books I've finished and the one I'm reading the groundwork for a road I'd rather not walk.  But either way, I feel prepared.  At least as prepared as I can be for the unknown.  But if my journey, whatever it looks like, is used to help someone else grow closer to Jesus, then whatever it is, will be worth it. Nothing will ever be a better use of my time than pointing others to the one who saved me from myself.

Jesus, You came to save us.  You left the comfort of Your home to reveal to us the freedom you desire us to have, the grace you want to give, and the life you want us to live.  Open our eyes to see the opporutnities you place before for us to help others and in turn help ourselves.  Whether we have visited a doctor or not, we are all the sick and dying and You have the ability to heal what ails us.  It's in Your precious name we pray, amen.

For Such a Time as This

Luke 2

If I were to take the time to think about and write out the kind of woman I desperately want to be, there are some things that would require clarification.  I can put down that I want to be a good wife or a good mom but without qualifying it with the actions that would define me as such, it wouldn't mean much and it would be almost impossible to determine if I'm actually achieving the goal.  A good wife could just be one who doesn't raise her voice to her husband in public and a good mom could be one who remembers to feed her kids.  If you know me, you know I want to go way beyond those actions.

While the Bible is not short on examples of godly women, reading in Luke 2 about Mary this morning opened my eyes to a trait of hers I have decided I desperately want.  After the shepherds arrived to see Jesus in the manger and told everyone about it, after Simeon held up Jesus and declared who He was in prayer, and after finding Jesus in the temple after they had left without Him at Passover, "Mary treasured all the things she heard in her heart."

Every morning that God sees fit to wake me up, I want to spend time in His word.  I do this because regardless of anything else that is on my plate for the day, if I am going to remain a reasonable and functional human being, this is mandatory for my sanity.  Being an adult is hard, being a parent isn't for the faint of heart, being a wife can feel overwhelming.  None of these things are difficult in and of themselves, but when you want to do them well and are aware of your shortcomings, it can certainly make them feel like daunting assignments.

Every morning I spend in God's word is intentional.  I want to learn more about Him, how He sees me, what He wants me to do.  And without fail, He gives me something.  I look at it as my personal daily bread.  His gift to sustain me for another day of serving Him.  But what I wasn't consciously aware of until this morning, is that I don't often take the time with my piece of manna and truly treasure it in my heart.  It almost feels like calling ahead to my favorite bakery on a Friday morning to request two loaves of pepperoni bread.  I lay my request out, wait until the proper time, go pick it up without thought, and then give it to my family to enjoy.  I'm not treasuring the opportunity, availability, or delivery.  I get what I need and go without further thought.

But what if, like Mary, I started to treasure the things revealed to me?  What if I thought about them throughout that day and the days to come?   Wouldn't that naturally lead to a life of constant worship because I am more consciously aware of His presence and influence?  Wouldn't that in turn naturally flow to all areas of my life, not just being a wife and mother?  Wouldn't I then be living a life worthy of my calling?

The fast paced world we live in often doesn't give us the time we desperately desire to do the things we really want to do.  We must choose to steward our time wisely and maximize every moment we are given.  But in God's economy, somehow, someway, trusting Him with the time He has given us in the first place, we always end up with more than enough.

Father, I am sorry for the times I have rushed through the time You want to spend with me.  I have gotten what I needed and just moved on to the next thing on my list.  I want to slow down and treasure the things You reveal, ponder them in my heart, and have them flood every area of my life.  I know that if I live, move, and breathe at your pace, in the rhythm of your grace, not only will You see to it that I do the things You have planned for me, but peace and joy will be the end result.  I praise You for Your word, Your understanding, and Your love.  Amen

To Be Known

In a few short months school will end, the pool will re-open, and the days of lounging in a chair reading a book will return.  Summer has become my time of restoration.  There are few things that need to be done, the alarm is not set, and a sense of calm just washes over me without homework, projects, practices, and due dates looming on the calendar.  Last summer I embraced that for all it was worth, and I must say, it was the best summer of my life and I had two surgeries.

Going to the pool only requires packing the cooler for the hours we will be there and filling the pitchers and bottles with the water we will need to drink while there.  I generally over pack water because there is nothing worse than being thirsty.  Thirst isn't like hunger that can be ignored or forgotten by activity.  I typically don't forget to eat, but if I'm distracted and motivated enough to complete something, I'll certainly put it off.  But thirst, no.  Thirst demands to be quenched and will stop you dead in your tracks until it is.

When Jesus was on His way back to Galilee, He had to go through Samaria.  While Jews generally avoided the area because Samaritans and Jews didn't mingle, He knew that someone was there He had to talk to, a woman whose name we do not know.

When she comes to draw her water at an atypical time of day, Jesus is there waiting for her and asks her for a drink.  She is surprised he asked her and says as much.  He tells her that if she knew who was talking that she would have asked Him for a drink and then she says something that I find very interesting.  She replies with, "Sir, You have nothing to draw with and the well is deep."

Now, I am not a theologian by any stretch.  I am just one hot mess of a woman that is desperate to see Jesus do some pretty significant miracles in my life.  I think that's maybe why I identified with her story so much this morning.  It's not like this is the first time I've read it by any stretch and considering I'm only 42, I'd venture to say it won't be the last either.  But her words, they echo.  She proclaims that He has nothing to draw with and the well is deep.

Metaphorically speaking, let's just say this well is her heart.  What would make a heart seem deep? Intense pain?  Significant loss?  Emptiness desperate to be filled?  Failed attempts to fill?  A desire to be accepted only to be rejected again?  

Her conclusion that He has nothing to draw with is logical if He's sitting there without a bucket or jar to fill.  So her curiosity must have been peaked when He even insinuated He could give her water. But what He did give her through their brief exchange was so very much more.

~Jesus gave her knowledge.  He knew who she was and that was probably a bit much to take.  Because not only did He know her story, He wanted to spend time with her despite her story.  It was not enough to make Him stay away or talk behind her back.

~Jesus gave her understanding.  If He was talking to her, knowing the things she'd done, He clearly could convey with His eyes that He understood the motivations behind her actions.  She was, as so many of us have, looking for love in all the wrong places.  And that was not enough to repel Him. She'd likely never known that was even possible.

~Jesus gave her compassion.  More than anything, He wants to give her what she needs: living water. Water that will satisfy her thirst and stop it from coming back or creating a desire to satisfy it any other way.

~Jesus gave her mercy.  He isn't judging or condemning her for what she's done, He's offering her a way out for the future.

~Jesus gave her grace.  He wants to give her what she thinks she doesn't deserve.  Even in her statement that when Messiah comes He will explain worship, she is expressing that she is looking for a way out and just needs the steps to follow to make it all right again.  But He is offering it, right there, right then.

He might not have had a jar or a bucket, but He had plenty to draw deeply into the well of her heart. There are more times than I would like to admit that sometimes you just want someone to look into your eyes, and without saying a word, let you know they understand.  But the reality is, human flesh and blood can not do that for us.  It can only be through the love of Jesus and His eyes boring deeply into the heart and soul He creaeted that can become a reality.  We are all that woman at the well.  We desperately want someone that knows us, understands us, has compassion on us, gives us mercy, and wants to bless us with grace on top of grace.  And all we need to do is meet Him where we think we are most invisible, most vulnerable, most subject to judgment, because it will always be in our deepest need that He meets us.

Jesus we know that You are all we will ever need.  Help us to desire you the way you desire us. Satisfy our deepest thirst with the living water you give so that we can live our lives fully for you. Amen

Perspective

Ezra 3

Each of us has gone through a 'unique to us' set of circumstances.  Each experience colors our perception of current situations and in turn influences our response.  What can be a moment of extreme gladness to one might be a trigger of intense sadness for another.  Neither is right or wrong but simply dependent on where we have been, what we have seen, and how it effected us.

As Cyrus king of Persia gave the Israelites the go ahead to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem, the young priests are celebrating the foundation being laid.  With praise and thanksgiving, they sing of God's goodness and enduring love.  At the same time, the older priests who had seen the former temple wept at the completion of the new foundation.  Both groups are participating in a God~ordained activity, so why such contrasting responses?

From the perspective of the young priests, this temple gives them hope.  Likely hearing the stories of the faithful God their elders knew, the construction of this building embodies progress for the people in overcoming the adversity they experienced during their captivity.  They are embracing the forgiveness of God through the restoration of the temple and see it as a sign of reconcilliation.  They will again have a proper place to offer their sacrifices and a visual of what a right relationship with Him is meant to be.

However, the older priests, the ones weeping, see this foundation of a new temple differently.  They are remembering what was and why there is a need to rebuild it in the first place.  This reconstruction phase is giving them the opportunity to grieve what was lost, repent of the sins that lead to it, and likely overwhelm them with both sorrow and gratitude for the second chance, the second chance they probably wish wasn't needed in the first place.

Most of us have probably found ourselves in similar situations.  We see where our relationship with the Lord is growing and vibrant and then somehow it slips or regresses.  When we get back on track, we are both relieved and sad.  We are thankful that we have found our way again to where we were never meant to leave, but also upset with the progress we feel we lost or the ground we think we would have gained had the detour not occurred in the first place.  But just like we read in Esther, our time and place is this......wherever 'this' is, regardless of how we ended up here.  God planned for our sidetrips, distractions, and stumbles and so wherever you are is exactly where you are meant to be.

No matter what brought you to the place you are now standing, He is right there with you.  And whether you are breaking ground for the first time or the tenth, the foundation is always God, the cornerstone is always Christ, and His faithful love continues to endure forever.

Father, it's easy for us to forget that what we see varies so much from what You see.  Open our eyes to see things from your perspective and to believe that every experience is meant to deepen our dependence on You, grow our faith, and increase our trust.  May our song always be one that recounts Your faithful love that endures forever.  Amen

Healing for the Soul

When you're little and going to church you are taught the mechanics of what you are supposed to do.  For lack of a better way to describe it, the steps of the process, or the instructions on completing the task.  But as you get older, without a deeper understanding of the meaning of the action, chances are it's going to get set off to the side, ignored, and covered in dust.  At some point it may be cleaned up and used again, but truthfully, it will never be effective as a spiritual discipline until you experience the reality of its use.

Many years ago, there were things from my past that seemed to be lurking in the dark corners of every room I entered.  I never wanted to deal with them and so I didn't.  But they started to take a toll and the price they were collecting was far greater than I was willing to pay.  So, I did the only logical thing I could do.  I called them out into the light, talked about them, and subsequently diminished their power over me.  It wasn't easy because it required me to be incredibly vulnerable and I haven't done vulnerable well for a number of years.  After this, I clammed right back up.  Not because it didn't go well, it actually went better than I had anticipated.  I just, at the time, couldn't live without my well fortified walls.

But recently I have had to confront some other experiences that have been popping up in all the wrong places.  And through reading I discoverd I had a bitter root that was planted deep in my heart that I didn't even know was there.  No one was more shocked than I was to discover it.  Not only was it going unnoticed, but through the lies I had been telling myself for quite some time, I had been fertilizing, watering, and feeding this thing.  Unfortunately, when you know something is where it shouldn't be, you have to do something about it.  Especially if the potential consequences are way higher than you are willing to pay if you let it continue.

What's so funny, and I use that word very loosely, is that to get rid of it, I had to confess it.  But not to God.  No, I had to confess it to the person it was going to choke, even if only in my mind.  Because this weed was altering my perception of everything, I had no choice but to be vulnerable about where I was, the fact that I had misconstrued facts, apologize for not believing the best in and about the person involved, and take ownership of the manifestations of the negative thoughts.  This wasn't going to be an easy task by any stretch because, again, I don't do vulnerable well.  But the price tag for not?  Not an option.

James 5:16  says:  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Growing up and going to confession meant little if anything.  I went in with a checklist of my offenses, repeated the same things every time, and left feeling no different than I did when I went in.  But as an adult I now have a better understanding of the magnitude of releasing the things that are keeping me bound.  The significance of this verse however is that we are to confess our sins to each other.  If we confess it to the person it directly involves, we can immediately receive their forgiveness and have our misconceptions and faulty perceptions corrected with the truth.  This is not only going to bring healing, but also a level of intimacy in relationships that is multiplied because it brings depth and breadth.

As the deconstruction of the walls I have built up continues, I can honestly say that the rewards I am reaping are more than I would have considered possible.  But I suppose that's just how God works.  In His economy the humble are exalted, confession brings healing, and grace flows from the grace you have received.  I don't know if I'll ever do vulnerable well, but I do know I want to do it more often.

Lord, the blessings you give to those who do things Your way are beyond comprehension.  They may not always be easy, but with Your strength they are possible.  Thank you for loving us enough to search our hearts, test our anxious thoughts, and reveal to us what you already know is keeping us as prisoners in cells we've created.  You never want us to live bound to anything but You.  We praise You for the words of truth that set us free and the restoration of what was lost but found again.  In Jesus name, amen.

Thematic Unit

Thematic Unit:  organization of a curriculum around a central theme.  A series of lessons that integrate subjects that all tie into the main theme of the unit.

There are some mornings when my quiet time with the Lord are filled with words of encouragement, love, promises, and hope meant to give me the strength to endure what defines my current situation.  And then there are days like today.

Currently, my time consists of 2 devotional readings and the Bible reading plan I am following.  Somedays they seem independent of one another and the messages are all relevant but not really related.  And then there are days like today.

Devotinoal #1 Takeaway:  God has given me unique abilities that are of His design, strength, and prupose.  He can use them as He intends and is not limited by my perception of them.  What He desires is a willing heart in me to let others see them and He can multiply them to do more.

In other words, get over yourself.  What you see versus what God sees is never going to match up and you just need to do what He tells you so that He can use it the way He plans.

Devotional #2 Quote:  "Every unselfish act of love whispers God's name."  Bob Goff

Devotional #2 Takeaway:  Unselfish acts of love may yield a benefit and blessing for me but if doing anything is done for any reason other than love, it will always be out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

In other words, be honest with yourself.  Sometimes you think you are doing things to make things easier for others and to show love, but the reality is, you do things the way you do them because it makes it easier and less stressful for you and they are likely not in the best interest of others. (Enter the mom who does things for her kids they are CLEARLY capable of doing because it makes things go smoother.  This does not teach responsibility, time management, respect or anything else good.  I'm not saying I shouldn't be willing to help them if they need it, but doing it for them, isn't healthy for anyone, especially when my motivation is clearly selfish ambition and vain conceit.)

Bible Reading Plan:  Haggai Chapter 1

Takeaway:  Don't be so focused on the house you live in, its appearance, its impression.  Focus on the house God lives in, build it, and watch Him fill it with His glory.

In other words, quit trying to make a peaceful environment assuming it will give you the peace in your heart you desperately seek.  Instead, focus on seeking God so He can give you His peace in your heart where He lives and that can overflow to your physical environment.

Game. Set. Match.  God 1 ~ Jenn 0

It's not always easy to confront the hidden sins.  Not because you are trying to hide them but because they are hidden from your own sight, masked as good deeds, good activities, good habits.  But the reality of God is that He loves us all too much to let us live that way forever.  He knows when we're ready to hear the truth and work with Him to allow His strength the flow from our weakest areas.  Everything He showed me this morning about me is an absolute reflection of my Type A Control Freak personality.  And everything He pointed out He did to remind me that His grace is sufficient and that His power will be perfected in my weakness.

Lord, the greatest grace always comes from a place of love in Your desire to see change.  You never want any of us to be 'proficient' followers.  Proficiency is simply doing the minimum, what's enough to get by, what gets the job done.  What you seek is the willing heart that has eyes opened to the truth so that you can grow Your reflection in us for the world to see.  Even when it's hard to hear, I thank You and praise You for Your willingness to speak the truth.  Help me to release my tight grip of control knowing that things placed in Your hands are in a much better place.  In Jesus name, amen.

Devotional #1:  A Confident Heart Devotional:  60 Days to Stop Doubting Yourself, Day 41
Devotional #2:  SheWorksHisWay app
Bible Reading Plan:  HerBibleReadingPlan

Little Victories

The older I get the more difficult it becomes to adapt to new ways of doing things.  I don't know if it's a cognitive dysfunction or a resistance to change, but re-learning what was once a familiar activity is not easy.

For example, using a VCR (yes, I am that old) was easy.  Whether you wanted to watch a movie or record something on tv, the steps were, for the most part, uncomplicated.  When the world upgraded to digital technology, putting in a DVD remained just as easy as putting in a VHS, but with the addition of complex cable boxes and input modes, recording has proved to be somewhat more challenging.  Take it a step further and add the XBox One to the mix to watch a movie, and I'm out of my element, or at least I was until yesterday.  Yesterday was the day I won over the bane of my existance and I not only got the movie in, but I managed to get it to play as well.  Plus, I didn't fall asleep.  #LittleVictories

This triumph might be small to some, but to me it was huge.  Something worth celebrating because it was something I had been completely unable to do before.  However, it has also made me aware of the fact that the more important "little victories" somehow rank lower on the achievement scale and are often downplayed as not being enough.

If for example I were to have a morning getting everyone ready and out the door on time without losing my mind, I would not celebrate that, and would likely internalize the next morning's failure because I had done well the day before.  And if someone were to say something hurtful to me one day and I don't become immediately defensive but the next time I do ~ again ~ internalized failure that is more traumatic.  Why is it that the less important victories have such an immediate impact but the more important ones take a backseat?

Expectations and Perfectionism.

I don't expect myself to be perfect in a lot of areas, but the ones that matter most, the ones that mean the most, my level of expectation in many cases exceeds God's.  He knows I'm human, He knows I won't get it 100% of the time while I'm drawing breath, and He knows He made me out of dust.  I'm not saying victory isn't possible in an area of weakness, there are people who overcome addictions and live soberly for the rest of their lives.  But they also know their limitations and know they can't have 'just a little' and think they can handle it.  But when it comes to relationships, the ones that count aren't surfacey or based on 'just a little' involvement.  They are messy and difficult.  And there will be growing pains and stumbling blocks.  And frankly won't be without tears, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, miscommunications, and the occasional words spoken too loudly, harshly, or sarcastically.

And this goes beyond relationships with other flesh and blood.  This goes straight to the heart of my relationship with Jesus.  On one side you have perfection, love, grace, compassion, and all things good and true.....on the other side you have me.  The one who wants to do everything right, to the best of her ability, and be SuperChristian.  And while Jesus is on one side cheering me on for the little victories, I'm on the other telling myself it wasn't good enough.

Jesus told us that in this life we would have trouble.  For me, trouble starts when I try to live up to my own crazy standards of perfect and then crash and burn.  But for some reason, I can only assume unconditional love, Jesus always bends down to pick me back up and give me another chance.  I never want the 'little victories' to become a 'good enough' opportunity to stop.  But I also don't want the 'little victories' that come through His strength alone to be 'not good enough' to humbly say thank you and praise Him for His help.  If managing to get a movie to play using a gaming console controller was enough to make me smile, then maybe the ways Jesus is growing my faith and dependence on Him deserves a celebratory dance of its own.

Jesus, the way You continually and consistently love me blows my mind.  You are always there, ready and willing to help me.  Give me a grateful heart that is thankful for the progress You are making in me and remove from me the desire to be perfect.  Draw me closer to your heart and the truth that You will always stand in all of my gaps.  I love You, amen.