Hope in the Deep

Yesterday I had to have a minor surgical procedure.  It was minor because it was out-patient.  It was minor because it wasn't labor intensive.  It was minor because it was pretty routine.  The outcome however, might be a totally different story.

Right now we're in the waiting room.  Waiting for the results.  Waiting for someone to tell us I'm completely fine or what I have to do next.  Those really are the only two options.  It's either over and done, or something is starting.  The odds are definitely in our favor but aren't guaranteed.  And so we wait.

The best case scenario is that it does turn out to be precautionary.  The decision wasn't an easy one to make, but when we made it, we agreed it was better to be safe than sorry.  But what if it turns out that it was a good thing we went through with it.  Then what?

Then we rely on what we know.....

We know that God is good.
We know that He will be with us every step of the way.
We know that regardless of any difficult moments, He can handle our questions, our doubts, our fears.
We know that as quickly as it starts, it might end.
We know that even if it's a long hard road to walk, that our strength will be renewed as we wait on Him.
We know that He isn't abandoning us, He isn't forsaking us, and His all sufficient grace will always be enough for us.
We know that ultimately, however difficult it is, He will be close to us because He is always close to the brokenhearted.
And we know that with each passing moment, our dependence on Him will increase, our faith will be multiplied, and our image will reflect His.

No matter what happens, we have a hope that does not disappoint, because He loves us and He won't let go.  And this same hope, the one that has seen us through tough times before, will see us through again.

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

Live as He Lived

When 2017 started, I set a goal for myself to memorize one verse a week.  To some, 52 verses sounds overwhelming, but considering I memorize the lyrics to at least 20 songs a year and songs are longer than verses, this didn't seem overly ambitious to me.  I picked a few of the verses based on the fact that they had the word 'grace' in them.  (Acts 20:24, Acts 20:32, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Romans 6:14, 2 Peter 3:18, Hebrews 4:16, Hebrews 12:15)  I picked one verse because it comes at the end of the passage in Ezekiel where it talks about the breath breathing in life to the dry bones.  (Ezekiel 37:14) And this weeks verse came because of a video I saw at church yesterday where a canvas print of it was in the background. (1 John 2:5-6)

As I wrote out this weeks verse on my ring bound index cards, and then on the page that houses my list for the week in my planner, I realized that it was fitting beyond measure because I just finished The Broken Way last night.  The title is a reflection of how we are to live the abundant life, the life Jesus lived while He was here ~ broken and given.  This book has not been an easy read.  It has lead to more apologies than I would have thought possible.  It has opened my eyes to the absolute death grip I have on self-preservation and the way I have built up impenetrable walls in and around my heart.  Walls I didn't even know existed.  Slowly, but surely, they are starting to crumble.  I think it helps that with a trusted few I have given the torches, the horns, and the battle cry.  It's also why the Ezekiel verse was last weeks memory verse.  These dry bones need to start rattling and come back to life.

1 John 2:5-6 reads:

But if anyone obeys His word, love for God, is truly made complete in them.  This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did.

Learning The Broken Way, and all that it entails, has been a challenge.  I'm just at the beginning of this but the manifestations of its impact is evident in things I have done, words I have spoken, prayers I have prayed.  Now more than ever, I want it to be obvious that everything I do is because it's the way Jesus did it.  I know I won't go from this moment forward to the grave doing it perfectly, but my hope is that with each attempt, and with His all sufficient grace, I will get better.  I want my love for God to be complete because His love for me is what will always make and keep me whole.

Father, this year has not been short on Your grace, mercy, or compassion.  You have been there through every painful revelation, opening my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to know. You have held my hand, lifted me up, and calmed my fears.  The miracle of this communion is one I want to continue to celebrate daily.  Help me to be a living sacrifice, one that shows the broken way that Jesus willingly took for me and all that You have breathed the breath of life into.  Revive the dry bones and make us an army that dances for the joy You have given.  Let our lives be a song that praises You.  In Jesus name, amen.

Food Prep

Food prep is the concept of making as much of your food in advance as possible.  The idea is that when you plan your meals you decrease the likelihood of making unhealthy 'quick' choices because healthy, better choices are ready to go.   For example, you can make spaghetti squash and chicken breast on Saturday, divide it into tupperware, and you have lunch ready in the fridge for 5 days. The same idea works for snacks.  Chop up your veggies one day, put them in snack bags, and you are good for the week.  It's quite genius and makes things just a little bit easier.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if we applied this same concept to our time spent with God.  Not doing it all in one day to be ready for the week, but preparing our hearts and minds with His truth regularly before the storm hits, the bottom falls out, or the rug is pulled from under us.

I know from my own personal experience I have gone through cycles.  There have been seasons where I wasn't reading my Bible, praying, or studying and it was pretty obvious to those around me. And there have been seasons where I have binged so heavily that it's truly a wonder I didn't explode in the process.  The happy medium seems to be when I am consistent.  It's the consistency that keeps me from freaking out when something unexpected comes and praising when some outlandish grace covers me.  It's this type of food prep that brings to my mind the exact verse I need when something threatens my joy or could easily give way to boasting.   It sustains and maintains my sanity. Truthfully, it's what makes me capable of handling being an adult.

I don't know how much time you need for your food prep, I just know that what I do seems to keep me in my happy place.  And when something hard happens, yes, I do need extra time. And if God is really pressing a concept or thought on me, I'm willing to put in the additional effort to get what He's trying to help me understand.  And with the promise that His word never returns void, even if I don't immediately need what He showed me today, I know I will need it in the future.  And frankly, I'd rather have it ready to go than take what's easiest to grab in the moment.

Father, the greatest miracles I have experienced are the ones You have done in my heart through Your word.  You've transformed thoughts, beliefs, and actions because what You planted, You grew, and what You grew, produced fruit.  Help us to consistently spend time with You, learning who You are, who we are in Your eyes, and about the love you so desperately want to give us.  We ask this in Jesus name, amen.

Planning Ahead

Several years ago I was leaving very early in the morning to go to the gym.  It was terribly dark and out of the quiet came this tiny, quiet meow that scared me half to death.  In my line of vision was a black cat.  A few things worth mentioning: cats are unpredictable, cats have claws, I have been terrified of cats my entire life.

After I got home from the gym, I told my husband about this cat.  Immediately the kids wanted to keep it (they were almost 6 and just turning 4).  I was opposed from the beginning and so a quest to find him a home began.  He'd clearly been abandoned (he had been declawed and neutered) and he was not chipped.  Needless to say after a series of unsuccessful attempts to find him a forever home that was not ours, he has been my napping/sleeping partner for almost 8 years.

My Oreo likes to cuddle.  He follows me around crying and waits for me to get on the couch to lie down so he can (a) curl up right into me, (b) wait for me to lift the blanket so he can hide under it, or (c) get on top of my hip to sleep on me.  And as much as I enjoy our little routine, I don't enjoy the way he generally wakes me up with what amounts to a series of throat punches.

As he was sleeping on the couch and I walked by him, it was incredibly tempting to do to him what he does to me to see how he likes it.  Now, I am an adult and can avoid such petty behavior (most of the time) but the thought did cross my mind and linger for a moment longer than it probably should have.  Don't judge.....I am human.

As I sat down at the table to enjoy my victory in avoiding juevenile behavior, I turned and saw his treat bag up on the window sill.  He eats hairball control treats every morning because he likes them and hairballs were a significant problem before them.  While I have been buying them for years, I've done it so much on autopilot that I never paid attention to the name on the bag.  "Temptations"

There aren't a lot of verses that specifically use the word temptation.  The concept is certainly addressed telling us to be aware of the enemy's schemes, to be careful not to fall into it, and to remind us that the way to overcome them is readily available if we'll just look for it.  But, unlike Oreo's treat bag, our temptations are not labeled.  And while I think it would be slightly impractical to go around with a sharpie marker and post-it notes labeling everything that is a temptation for us, maybe at least making a private list somewhere isn't such a bad idea.

I think the issue most of us face with our temptations is that we know we know we have them and we know there is supposed to be a way out from under them, but we aren't prepared for them.  And when we aren't prepared, we might as well be pushed down a flight of stairs because chances are we are going to fall head first into them.  But if we would just acknowledge them and decide ahead of time how we are going to deal with them, or if possible, avoid them, our victory stats would drastically increase.

The only practical example I can give you involves talking because it's the only one I've worked to specifically address.  There is a question I can be asked that can be answered one of two ways:  either a verbal word vomit of everything I feel needs to be said explaining the entire situation or a generic, general, prepared response that shuts off the line of questioning and avoids me saying things I shouldn't.  Now it took me way longer than it should have to realize this was an option and heaven knows I was tumbling down those steps a lot before this occurred to me, but I have improved significantly.  It didn't come easily, but I knew it was important enough to deal with as effectively and scripturally as I could.  Perseverance (and a ton of convcition) has truly paid off.

So what if we were to make that list of temptations and thoughtfully, intentionally, and prayerfully come up with appropriate responses before they were necessary?  It would likely take time to implement them with a higher success than failure rate, but progress would still be happening.  And when new temptations arise, we could add them to the list and repeat the process.  It would be easy to assume we can just do this without preparing ourselves, but if you make a budget, print a map before traveling, or call ahead before you just show up somewhere, chances are this type of preparation will be beneficial, too.  The hardest part of this probably won't be discovering viable options, it will likely be admitting where we are weakest.  But the last time I checked, we were supposed to boast about our weaknesses so that Christ's power can rest on us.  And as long as that's still true, maybe we can all attain a winning record yet.

Father, You want us to be overcomers, conquerors, and strong in You.  But in order to be or do those things, we have to face what is difficult for us.  Give us the revelations to know where we are weakest, the strength to admit it, and the desire to deal with it.  Refine us in the areas we least reflect You and give us a testimony of the miracles You have done in our hearts.  It's in the victorious name of Jesus we pray, amen.

What Would You Say?

Romans 12:2  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

I can't remember if it was in a psychology class in high school or college that I first heard of daily affirmations.  I have never been one to use them and whether that's good or bad is still out for debate. The concept is simple.  Take something you want to be true, write it as a positive statement, and repeat it to yourself.  They can be actions, habits, or beliefs.  For example:  I wake up easily and ready to conquer the day, I make healthy food choices consistently, I am fun to be around.  You get the idea.

I guess for some reason I always thought they seemed kind of cheesy.  Of course you want to think good things about yourself because as we discovered yesterday, those self lies are destructive as hell, literally.  But daily affirmations?  Really?

In her book You Are Free, Rebekah Lyons has a chapter called Free to Confess.  Confession, if you are raised as I was, conjures up images of going into what amounts to a tiny little closet, telling someone behind a curtain everything you've done wrong, and praying no one outside is listening to what you are saying.  And, if you're like I was, you went in with your standard list of struggles and repeated them time after time.  But what if confession is way more than that?

In the chapter on confession, Rebekah boldly writes: "Confession can also mean declaring something emphatically, such as our faith."  She goes on to say, "When we confess something with our mouths.....we plant truth deep in our hearts.  It becomes a seed, eventually yielding a harvest."  So what would happen if we took the concept presented in psychology and applied it biblically to our lives?

Since the beginning of this year, I have been using my planner to write out a truth I have learned about God or myself.  Granted we are barely two months in, but I can say I have seen some changes beginning to take root.  My writing isn't really a prayer, but an actual declaration of combined information from my devotional, daily Bible reading, and what I already know to be true.  For example today's entry was this:

Every day I make a choice with my words to either speak positively or negatively about

myself.  That choice has an impact, yields consequences, and grows fruit.  If I wouldn't

say the things I say to myself about someone else, why on earth would I say it about me?

God sees me as precious and worthy so I should, too.

When I first started this it seemed a little bit strange.  But God does invite us to believe what He says about us and I believe it's one of the reasons He gave us the gift of His written word.  He desperately want us to know how He sees us.  The reality is, if we saw ourselves as He declares us ~ as an overcomer, conqueror, righteous, holy, redeemed, blessed, forgiven, worthy, loved, etc. ~ the ability to be His hands and feet to those who don't know Him would be multiplied exponentially.  Just imagine for a moment the impact that would have on a hurting world.

I plan to continue this practice for the year and am excited to see where I end up on December 31st. But I honestly don't think I'll stop there.  There will always be messages of negativity telling me I should be or do more, wear a certain size, own a specific phone, or have my kids in a certain number of activities.  I will always have a choice to make when it comes to what I believe.  It may not be the popular choice in many areas, but I think I'll stick with what Jesus says for the long haul.  After all, He's the one saying the amazing things about me.

Power of Words

As I continue through the book The Broken Way, I wonder if Ann Voskamp has been secretly watching me.  I know that's not the case, but the things she writes, the profound deep truths that grace the pages, feel like they are a lifeline reaching out to me.

There is a loud alarm going off in my head from Chapter 14.  It's almost as if I asked God at some point, "What in the world is wrong with me?" and He has held back nothing that He wanted me to know.  And so I am going to share a series of quotes and end this post with two Scripture references that hit me squarely between the eyes.  I will warn you, assuming I am not the only one that deals with this problem, it might hurt.  But I believe that the greatest gifts we will ever receive are born out of the greatest pain we experience.  And this package is not only huge, but it's beautifully wrapped with an enormous bow and inside is freedom.

p. 181  What if you just want desperately, in spite of everything, for someone to remember how hard you've really tried?  There are days when the sharp edge of self-condemnation cuts you so deep that you can be reaching, grasping, but can't seem to remember to believe that He believes in you.

p. 183  If we all listen long enough to the voices about who we should be, we grow deaf to the beauty of who we are.

p. 184  A cacophony of voices about who you should be or how you are supposed to feel or how you have to do this and that to be good enough, and you still don't measure up ~ it can feel like a dark serpentine shadow suffocating you........And His word makes it clear: at the core of every one of our issues is this attempt to construct our identity on something else besides Christ.

p. 185  Self-lies are the destroyer of the soul because they drown out the sacred voice that can never stop whispering your name: Beloved.

p. 190-91  that serpent, the enemy of your soul, his name means "prosecutor" and that's what he does ~ he tries to make you feel alone and on trial, tries to make your life a trail to get you to prosecute yourself.  He poisons you endlessly with self-lies.  And the first tactic of the enemy of your soul is always to distort your identity.  You can feel the hiss slithering up your neck like this deafening replay in your head: Did God really say you were worth anything?  Look at you ~ you're damaged goods.  You're too broken to be chosen.

Isn't the fear that I am not enough really the lie that God isn't enough?  If every belittling of self is a belittling of God, a kind of blasphemy of God's sufficiency and enoughness, then maybe, maybe we don't really have faith until we have faith that God loves us right now more than we could ever dream of loving ourselves.

Grace embraces you before you prove anything, and after you've done everything wrong.

p. 192  That is what we've always got to do, what you and I and all the broken can never stop doing: shake off that lying snake and break free.  Because that lying snake's head's been long crushed.  No, make that pulverized.  For the love, and for the sake of God, let go of the self-lies.

You are always sufficient because God always gives you His all-sufficient grace.

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Matthew 12:34

For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.

Matthew 12:37

Know and Be Known

John 4:42

Celebrity endorsements sell products.  It's why companies use well known people to advertise what they want others to buy.  And if the celebrity has a fall from grace in the public eye, their affiliation is quickly severed to maintain damage control.

But what if the spokesperson for a product doesn't have the best reputation?  What if they are maybe not despised but just not well thought of?  Can they still endorse something successfully?

After the encounter the woman at the well had with Jesus, she went back to town to tell everyone about her experience.  She most likely looked excited, or at the very least hopeful.  I imagine she was probably out of breath.  I would think she was smiling, perhaps even glowing, with a deep internal joy.  And the result of her appearance and her words?  They believed her and went to Jesus to get Him to stay with them.

This woman didn't let who others thought her to be, or their judgements about her, stop her from sharing the greatest moment of her life.  She did it despite any fears she might have had of whispers, ridicule, or being ignored.  Because of her willingness to put herself out there, many came to believe.

I want my faith and belief to spark interest in others but it can't stop there.   Regardless of what others think of me, I want them to think highly of Jesus.  I desperately want others to know Him for themselves and understand why I am so willing to put it all out there.  I don't hide it because I simply can't.  It's not possible to keep hidden what has so dramatically changed you, your outlook, your perspective, your heart.  Not only do I want to hear 'well done' when my time is up, but I also want to hear 'we no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves and know' while I am here.

Father, Your love and pursuit of me changed everything.  You met me at my well on a Sunday night in November of 2005.  I was desperately thirsty and You gave me a drink that satisfied something in me I didn't even know needed quenched.  And on that night, tears flowed freely and abundantly, because like this woman, I knew then that You saw me.  I pray that You would take all that You have done and all that You continue to do in me and make it interesting enough to draw others to You. Give me the words to speak when it's my time to talk and the strength to be Your hands and feet when it's not.  Spark a fire in the hearts of those who know me to personally know the One my heart adores.  Amen.

Are You Willing?

Matthew 4:24  News about Him spread all over Syria, and people brought to Him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering with severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and He healed them.

Every now and again you get a stirring, deep in your soul, that God is doing something big.  No, not big, huge.  It's a cross between nervous butterflies, overwhelming fear, and gut-wrenching hope. Slowly it begins to creep up inside of you, to the point that you feel as if you will burst, but you don't know where or when it will happen and who it will cover in the process.  That's where I am.

In the past couple of weeks I have finished two books, and continue to work on the third.  First, Rebekah Lyons book You Are Free releases today.  This book opened my eyes to areas of bondage I didn't know I had.  There is no doubt God put it in my hands for purposes yet to be revealed that go way beyond the obvious blessings it has already brought.  Second, is Kyle Idleman's new book, Grace Is Greater that releases next week.  Nothing was more shocking than finding a bitter root had grown inside me that I didn't even know existed, never mind the fact that I'd been cultivating it for years. Third is The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.   This book has to be read slowly and digested intentionally because it is a heavy dose of what it means to share in the sufferings of Christ and what that looks like in the individual life.  It is convicting in the best possible way.

That said, the first two books, I was divinely selected to be part of the book launch process.  If you know anything about that, I'd liken it to winning the lottery.  Tons of people apply to review the book before it's released and so getting picked to be one of 500 is not a guarantee.  Clearly, God has gone out of His way on this one which makes me all the more grateful and nervous at the same time.  The overlapping nature of these messages is not a coincidence which can only mean that a birth of some sort is looming in the very near future.

So what does all of this have to do with Matthew's account of Jesus healing those who were brought to him?

Years ago, I felt God place a call on my life to go back to teaching.  After some long conversations with Him, and the absolute realization that I can not return to the elementary classroom, I soon discovered that in some capacity yet to be realized, God wanted me to teach His word.  I have no idea how He plans on working that out if it will ever go beyond this blog.  But considering my love of writing, this is certainly good for now and I am beyond thankful for the opportunity.

But it occurred to me that people who write or teach are trying in their own small way to help others get better.  They, like me, have an insatiable desire to see people realize who Jesus is in all of His glory, love, and perfection.  It becomes painful to watch people do things the hard way knowing that Jesus wants to see them through whatever valley they seem to be stuck in.  But an amazing thing happens in the process.  When you become the hands and feet to help others get better, you get better yourself.

I think about the people that were brought to Jesus at this time and those who brought them.  They viewed their loved ones as needing the ultimate healing from something that was tangible. But in their desire to see another made well, they witnessed miracles that would have greatly affected themselves and healed things that were intangible and maybe not even a part of their conscious awareness.  That's just who Jesus is.  He takes your desire to help one and uses it to help you.

I don't know what's around the corner for me.  I have something on my calendar that could make the books I've finished and the one I'm reading the groundwork for a road I'd rather not walk.  But either way, I feel prepared.  At least as prepared as I can be for the unknown.  But if my journey, whatever it looks like, is used to help someone else grow closer to Jesus, then whatever it is, will be worth it. Nothing will ever be a better use of my time than pointing others to the one who saved me from myself.

Jesus, You came to save us.  You left the comfort of Your home to reveal to us the freedom you desire us to have, the grace you want to give, and the life you want us to live.  Open our eyes to see the opporutnities you place before for us to help others and in turn help ourselves.  Whether we have visited a doctor or not, we are all the sick and dying and You have the ability to heal what ails us.  It's in Your precious name we pray, amen.

For Such a Time as This

Luke 2

If I were to take the time to think about and write out the kind of woman I desperately want to be, there are some things that would require clarification.  I can put down that I want to be a good wife or a good mom but without qualifying it with the actions that would define me as such, it wouldn't mean much and it would be almost impossible to determine if I'm actually achieving the goal.  A good wife could just be one who doesn't raise her voice to her husband in public and a good mom could be one who remembers to feed her kids.  If you know me, you know I want to go way beyond those actions.

While the Bible is not short on examples of godly women, reading in Luke 2 about Mary this morning opened my eyes to a trait of hers I have decided I desperately want.  After the shepherds arrived to see Jesus in the manger and told everyone about it, after Simeon held up Jesus and declared who He was in prayer, and after finding Jesus in the temple after they had left without Him at Passover, "Mary treasured all the things she heard in her heart."

Every morning that God sees fit to wake me up, I want to spend time in His word.  I do this because regardless of anything else that is on my plate for the day, if I am going to remain a reasonable and functional human being, this is mandatory for my sanity.  Being an adult is hard, being a parent isn't for the faint of heart, being a wife can feel overwhelming.  None of these things are difficult in and of themselves, but when you want to do them well and are aware of your shortcomings, it can certainly make them feel like daunting assignments.

Every morning I spend in God's word is intentional.  I want to learn more about Him, how He sees me, what He wants me to do.  And without fail, He gives me something.  I look at it as my personal daily bread.  His gift to sustain me for another day of serving Him.  But what I wasn't consciously aware of until this morning, is that I don't often take the time with my piece of manna and truly treasure it in my heart.  It almost feels like calling ahead to my favorite bakery on a Friday morning to request two loaves of pepperoni bread.  I lay my request out, wait until the proper time, go pick it up without thought, and then give it to my family to enjoy.  I'm not treasuring the opportunity, availability, or delivery.  I get what I need and go without further thought.

But what if, like Mary, I started to treasure the things revealed to me?  What if I thought about them throughout that day and the days to come?   Wouldn't that naturally lead to a life of constant worship because I am more consciously aware of His presence and influence?  Wouldn't that in turn naturally flow to all areas of my life, not just being a wife and mother?  Wouldn't I then be living a life worthy of my calling?

The fast paced world we live in often doesn't give us the time we desperately desire to do the things we really want to do.  We must choose to steward our time wisely and maximize every moment we are given.  But in God's economy, somehow, someway, trusting Him with the time He has given us in the first place, we always end up with more than enough.

Father, I am sorry for the times I have rushed through the time You want to spend with me.  I have gotten what I needed and just moved on to the next thing on my list.  I want to slow down and treasure the things You reveal, ponder them in my heart, and have them flood every area of my life.  I know that if I live, move, and breathe at your pace, in the rhythm of your grace, not only will You see to it that I do the things You have planned for me, but peace and joy will be the end result.  I praise You for Your word, Your understanding, and Your love.  Amen

To Be Known

In a few short months school will end, the pool will re-open, and the days of lounging in a chair reading a book will return.  Summer has become my time of restoration.  There are few things that need to be done, the alarm is not set, and a sense of calm just washes over me without homework, projects, practices, and due dates looming on the calendar.  Last summer I embraced that for all it was worth, and I must say, it was the best summer of my life and I had two surgeries.

Going to the pool only requires packing the cooler for the hours we will be there and filling the pitchers and bottles with the water we will need to drink while there.  I generally over pack water because there is nothing worse than being thirsty.  Thirst isn't like hunger that can be ignored or forgotten by activity.  I typically don't forget to eat, but if I'm distracted and motivated enough to complete something, I'll certainly put it off.  But thirst, no.  Thirst demands to be quenched and will stop you dead in your tracks until it is.

When Jesus was on His way back to Galilee, He had to go through Samaria.  While Jews generally avoided the area because Samaritans and Jews didn't mingle, He knew that someone was there He had to talk to, a woman whose name we do not know.

When she comes to draw her water at an atypical time of day, Jesus is there waiting for her and asks her for a drink.  She is surprised he asked her and says as much.  He tells her that if she knew who was talking that she would have asked Him for a drink and then she says something that I find very interesting.  She replies with, "Sir, You have nothing to draw with and the well is deep."

Now, I am not a theologian by any stretch.  I am just one hot mess of a woman that is desperate to see Jesus do some pretty significant miracles in my life.  I think that's maybe why I identified with her story so much this morning.  It's not like this is the first time I've read it by any stretch and considering I'm only 42, I'd venture to say it won't be the last either.  But her words, they echo.  She proclaims that He has nothing to draw with and the well is deep.

Metaphorically speaking, let's just say this well is her heart.  What would make a heart seem deep? Intense pain?  Significant loss?  Emptiness desperate to be filled?  Failed attempts to fill?  A desire to be accepted only to be rejected again?  

Her conclusion that He has nothing to draw with is logical if He's sitting there without a bucket or jar to fill.  So her curiosity must have been peaked when He even insinuated He could give her water. But what He did give her through their brief exchange was so very much more.

~Jesus gave her knowledge.  He knew who she was and that was probably a bit much to take.  Because not only did He know her story, He wanted to spend time with her despite her story.  It was not enough to make Him stay away or talk behind her back.

~Jesus gave her understanding.  If He was talking to her, knowing the things she'd done, He clearly could convey with His eyes that He understood the motivations behind her actions.  She was, as so many of us have, looking for love in all the wrong places.  And that was not enough to repel Him. She'd likely never known that was even possible.

~Jesus gave her compassion.  More than anything, He wants to give her what she needs: living water. Water that will satisfy her thirst and stop it from coming back or creating a desire to satisfy it any other way.

~Jesus gave her mercy.  He isn't judging or condemning her for what she's done, He's offering her a way out for the future.

~Jesus gave her grace.  He wants to give her what she thinks she doesn't deserve.  Even in her statement that when Messiah comes He will explain worship, she is expressing that she is looking for a way out and just needs the steps to follow to make it all right again.  But He is offering it, right there, right then.

He might not have had a jar or a bucket, but He had plenty to draw deeply into the well of her heart. There are more times than I would like to admit that sometimes you just want someone to look into your eyes, and without saying a word, let you know they understand.  But the reality is, human flesh and blood can not do that for us.  It can only be through the love of Jesus and His eyes boring deeply into the heart and soul He creaeted that can become a reality.  We are all that woman at the well.  We desperately want someone that knows us, understands us, has compassion on us, gives us mercy, and wants to bless us with grace on top of grace.  And all we need to do is meet Him where we think we are most invisible, most vulnerable, most subject to judgment, because it will always be in our deepest need that He meets us.

Jesus we know that You are all we will ever need.  Help us to desire you the way you desire us. Satisfy our deepest thirst with the living water you give so that we can live our lives fully for you. Amen

Perspective

Ezra 3

Each of us has gone through a 'unique to us' set of circumstances.  Each experience colors our perception of current situations and in turn influences our response.  What can be a moment of extreme gladness to one might be a trigger of intense sadness for another.  Neither is right or wrong but simply dependent on where we have been, what we have seen, and how it effected us.

As Cyrus king of Persia gave the Israelites the go ahead to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem, the young priests are celebrating the foundation being laid.  With praise and thanksgiving, they sing of God's goodness and enduring love.  At the same time, the older priests who had seen the former temple wept at the completion of the new foundation.  Both groups are participating in a God~ordained activity, so why such contrasting responses?

From the perspective of the young priests, this temple gives them hope.  Likely hearing the stories of the faithful God their elders knew, the construction of this building embodies progress for the people in overcoming the adversity they experienced during their captivity.  They are embracing the forgiveness of God through the restoration of the temple and see it as a sign of reconcilliation.  They will again have a proper place to offer their sacrifices and a visual of what a right relationship with Him is meant to be.

However, the older priests, the ones weeping, see this foundation of a new temple differently.  They are remembering what was and why there is a need to rebuild it in the first place.  This reconstruction phase is giving them the opportunity to grieve what was lost, repent of the sins that lead to it, and likely overwhelm them with both sorrow and gratitude for the second chance, the second chance they probably wish wasn't needed in the first place.

Most of us have probably found ourselves in similar situations.  We see where our relationship with the Lord is growing and vibrant and then somehow it slips or regresses.  When we get back on track, we are both relieved and sad.  We are thankful that we have found our way again to where we were never meant to leave, but also upset with the progress we feel we lost or the ground we think we would have gained had the detour not occurred in the first place.  But just like we read in Esther, our time and place is this......wherever 'this' is, regardless of how we ended up here.  God planned for our sidetrips, distractions, and stumbles and so wherever you are is exactly where you are meant to be.

No matter what brought you to the place you are now standing, He is right there with you.  And whether you are breaking ground for the first time or the tenth, the foundation is always God, the cornerstone is always Christ, and His faithful love continues to endure forever.

Father, it's easy for us to forget that what we see varies so much from what You see.  Open our eyes to see things from your perspective and to believe that every experience is meant to deepen our dependence on You, grow our faith, and increase our trust.  May our song always be one that recounts Your faithful love that endures forever.  Amen

Healing for the Soul

When you're little and going to church you are taught the mechanics of what you are supposed to do.  For lack of a better way to describe it, the steps of the process, or the instructions on completing the task.  But as you get older, without a deeper understanding of the meaning of the action, chances are it's going to get set off to the side, ignored, and covered in dust.  At some point it may be cleaned up and used again, but truthfully, it will never be effective as a spiritual discipline until you experience the reality of its use.

Many years ago, there were things from my past that seemed to be lurking in the dark corners of every room I entered.  I never wanted to deal with them and so I didn't.  But they started to take a toll and the price they were collecting was far greater than I was willing to pay.  So, I did the only logical thing I could do.  I called them out into the light, talked about them, and subsequently diminished their power over me.  It wasn't easy because it required me to be incredibly vulnerable and I haven't done vulnerable well for a number of years.  After this, I clammed right back up.  Not because it didn't go well, it actually went better than I had anticipated.  I just, at the time, couldn't live without my well fortified walls.

But recently I have had to confront some other experiences that have been popping up in all the wrong places.  And through reading I discoverd I had a bitter root that was planted deep in my heart that I didn't even know was there.  No one was more shocked than I was to discover it.  Not only was it going unnoticed, but through the lies I had been telling myself for quite some time, I had been fertilizing, watering, and feeding this thing.  Unfortunately, when you know something is where it shouldn't be, you have to do something about it.  Especially if the potential consequences are way higher than you are willing to pay if you let it continue.

What's so funny, and I use that word very loosely, is that to get rid of it, I had to confess it.  But not to God.  No, I had to confess it to the person it was going to choke, even if only in my mind.  Because this weed was altering my perception of everything, I had no choice but to be vulnerable about where I was, the fact that I had misconstrued facts, apologize for not believing the best in and about the person involved, and take ownership of the manifestations of the negative thoughts.  This wasn't going to be an easy task by any stretch because, again, I don't do vulnerable well.  But the price tag for not?  Not an option.

James 5:16  says:  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Growing up and going to confession meant little if anything.  I went in with a checklist of my offenses, repeated the same things every time, and left feeling no different than I did when I went in.  But as an adult I now have a better understanding of the magnitude of releasing the things that are keeping me bound.  The significance of this verse however is that we are to confess our sins to each other.  If we confess it to the person it directly involves, we can immediately receive their forgiveness and have our misconceptions and faulty perceptions corrected with the truth.  This is not only going to bring healing, but also a level of intimacy in relationships that is multiplied because it brings depth and breadth.

As the deconstruction of the walls I have built up continues, I can honestly say that the rewards I am reaping are more than I would have considered possible.  But I suppose that's just how God works.  In His economy the humble are exalted, confession brings healing, and grace flows from the grace you have received.  I don't know if I'll ever do vulnerable well, but I do know I want to do it more often.

Lord, the blessings you give to those who do things Your way are beyond comprehension.  They may not always be easy, but with Your strength they are possible.  Thank you for loving us enough to search our hearts, test our anxious thoughts, and reveal to us what you already know is keeping us as prisoners in cells we've created.  You never want us to live bound to anything but You.  We praise You for the words of truth that set us free and the restoration of what was lost but found again.  In Jesus name, amen.

Thematic Unit

Thematic Unit:  organization of a curriculum around a central theme.  A series of lessons that integrate subjects that all tie into the main theme of the unit.

There are some mornings when my quiet time with the Lord are filled with words of encouragement, love, promises, and hope meant to give me the strength to endure what defines my current situation.  And then there are days like today.

Currently, my time consists of 2 devotional readings and the Bible reading plan I am following.  Somedays they seem independent of one another and the messages are all relevant but not really related.  And then there are days like today.

Devotinoal #1 Takeaway:  God has given me unique abilities that are of His design, strength, and prupose.  He can use them as He intends and is not limited by my perception of them.  What He desires is a willing heart in me to let others see them and He can multiply them to do more.

In other words, get over yourself.  What you see versus what God sees is never going to match up and you just need to do what He tells you so that He can use it the way He plans.

Devotional #2 Quote:  "Every unselfish act of love whispers God's name."  Bob Goff

Devotional #2 Takeaway:  Unselfish acts of love may yield a benefit and blessing for me but if doing anything is done for any reason other than love, it will always be out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

In other words, be honest with yourself.  Sometimes you think you are doing things to make things easier for others and to show love, but the reality is, you do things the way you do them because it makes it easier and less stressful for you and they are likely not in the best interest of others. (Enter the mom who does things for her kids they are CLEARLY capable of doing because it makes things go smoother.  This does not teach responsibility, time management, respect or anything else good.  I'm not saying I shouldn't be willing to help them if they need it, but doing it for them, isn't healthy for anyone, especially when my motivation is clearly selfish ambition and vain conceit.)

Bible Reading Plan:  Haggai Chapter 1

Takeaway:  Don't be so focused on the house you live in, its appearance, its impression.  Focus on the house God lives in, build it, and watch Him fill it with His glory.

In other words, quit trying to make a peaceful environment assuming it will give you the peace in your heart you desperately seek.  Instead, focus on seeking God so He can give you His peace in your heart where He lives and that can overflow to your physical environment.

Game. Set. Match.  God 1 ~ Jenn 0

It's not always easy to confront the hidden sins.  Not because you are trying to hide them but because they are hidden from your own sight, masked as good deeds, good activities, good habits.  But the reality of God is that He loves us all too much to let us live that way forever.  He knows when we're ready to hear the truth and work with Him to allow His strength the flow from our weakest areas.  Everything He showed me this morning about me is an absolute reflection of my Type A Control Freak personality.  And everything He pointed out He did to remind me that His grace is sufficient and that His power will be perfected in my weakness.

Lord, the greatest grace always comes from a place of love in Your desire to see change.  You never want any of us to be 'proficient' followers.  Proficiency is simply doing the minimum, what's enough to get by, what gets the job done.  What you seek is the willing heart that has eyes opened to the truth so that you can grow Your reflection in us for the world to see.  Even when it's hard to hear, I thank You and praise You for Your willingness to speak the truth.  Help me to release my tight grip of control knowing that things placed in Your hands are in a much better place.  In Jesus name, amen.

Devotional #1:  A Confident Heart Devotional:  60 Days to Stop Doubting Yourself, Day 41
Devotional #2:  SheWorksHisWay app
Bible Reading Plan:  HerBibleReadingPlan

Little Victories

The older I get the more difficult it becomes to adapt to new ways of doing things.  I don't know if it's a cognitive dysfunction or a resistance to change, but re-learning what was once a familiar activity is not easy.

For example, using a VCR (yes, I am that old) was easy.  Whether you wanted to watch a movie or record something on tv, the steps were, for the most part, uncomplicated.  When the world upgraded to digital technology, putting in a DVD remained just as easy as putting in a VHS, but with the addition of complex cable boxes and input modes, recording has proved to be somewhat more challenging.  Take it a step further and add the XBox One to the mix to watch a movie, and I'm out of my element, or at least I was until yesterday.  Yesterday was the day I won over the bane of my existance and I not only got the movie in, but I managed to get it to play as well.  Plus, I didn't fall asleep.  #LittleVictories

This triumph might be small to some, but to me it was huge.  Something worth celebrating because it was something I had been completely unable to do before.  However, it has also made me aware of the fact that the more important "little victories" somehow rank lower on the achievement scale and are often downplayed as not being enough.

If for example I were to have a morning getting everyone ready and out the door on time without losing my mind, I would not celebrate that, and would likely internalize the next morning's failure because I had done well the day before.  And if someone were to say something hurtful to me one day and I don't become immediately defensive but the next time I do ~ again ~ internalized failure that is more traumatic.  Why is it that the less important victories have such an immediate impact but the more important ones take a backseat?

Expectations and Perfectionism.

I don't expect myself to be perfect in a lot of areas, but the ones that matter most, the ones that mean the most, my level of expectation in many cases exceeds God's.  He knows I'm human, He knows I won't get it 100% of the time while I'm drawing breath, and He knows He made me out of dust.  I'm not saying victory isn't possible in an area of weakness, there are people who overcome addictions and live soberly for the rest of their lives.  But they also know their limitations and know they can't have 'just a little' and think they can handle it.  But when it comes to relationships, the ones that count aren't surfacey or based on 'just a little' involvement.  They are messy and difficult.  And there will be growing pains and stumbling blocks.  And frankly won't be without tears, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, miscommunications, and the occasional words spoken too loudly, harshly, or sarcastically.

And this goes beyond relationships with other flesh and blood.  This goes straight to the heart of my relationship with Jesus.  On one side you have perfection, love, grace, compassion, and all things good and true.....on the other side you have me.  The one who wants to do everything right, to the best of her ability, and be SuperChristian.  And while Jesus is on one side cheering me on for the little victories, I'm on the other telling myself it wasn't good enough.

Jesus told us that in this life we would have trouble.  For me, trouble starts when I try to live up to my own crazy standards of perfect and then crash and burn.  But for some reason, I can only assume unconditional love, Jesus always bends down to pick me back up and give me another chance.  I never want the 'little victories' to become a 'good enough' opportunity to stop.  But I also don't want the 'little victories' that come through His strength alone to be 'not good enough' to humbly say thank you and praise Him for His help.  If managing to get a movie to play using a gaming console controller was enough to make me smile, then maybe the ways Jesus is growing my faith and dependence on Him deserves a celebratory dance of its own.

Jesus, the way You continually and consistently love me blows my mind.  You are always there, ready and willing to help me.  Give me a grateful heart that is thankful for the progress You are making in me and remove from me the desire to be perfect.  Draw me closer to your heart and the truth that You will always stand in all of my gaps.  I love You, amen.

Leading In Love

As a member of she works His way, the member challenge presented this month is to share what we admire about our husbands and how they lead in love.  Nothing in this world could give me greater joy than bragging about the man that I am honored to spend Valentine's Day number 18 with.

1.  The way he gently loves me in all of my mess.
2.  The way he lovingly encourages me to express my thoughts, concerns, and feelings.
3.  The way he challenges me to be better.
4.  The way he leads by example in everything he does.
5.  The way he is seeking after God himself.
6.  The way he builds up our kids.
7.  The way he cares for himself.
8.  The way he willingly invests time in our marriage.
9.  The way he suprises me just because he can.
10.  The way he makes me laugh.
11.  The way he appreciates and notices the little things.
12.  The way he is willing to help without hesitation.
13.  The way he humbly serves others.
14.  The way he acknowledges that Jesus is worth it.

I could list hundreds of reasons why I love and respect this man with every breath I exhale.  He doesn't back down from a challenge, he is quick to forgive and apologize, he is gentle and firm, and he never expects from others what he isn't willing to give himself.

On a warm August day in 1998, for some reason that has no other explanation than the grace of God, this man walked into my life.  A few short months after that, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  Nothing could have prepared me for the life we live, the love we share, and the things we have endured.....together.  I can't imagine a moment without him because he truly is my better half.

Happy Valentine's Day, Dave.  I am blessed to call you my husband.

True Love

A few months ago I decided to join an online community called she works His way.  This group exists to support women in business with Biblical based training to assist you in your desire to honor God with your work.  Granted, I don't have a 'business' other than being a wife, mother, etc., but the training in the classes that are offered and the opportunity to hold myself accountable to the knowledge I've been given, have been undeniable.  Just ask my husband and kids as they are the ones who have benefitted the most from it.

Additionally, because I have a gracious 13 year old that is willing to share his iPod, I downloaded the she works His way app.  You don't need to be a member of the community to benefit from the daily devotions that are posted Monday through Saturday.  And this weeks focus in the app?  You guessed it, the most popular of wedding passages, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.

Today Michelle shared of a practice she's been doing for years every February which is to write out this passage replacing the word love with her name.  Knowing how much I repsect her and her heart to help women, I decided I would write it out too.  #EyeOpeningMoment

Should you choose to do this, it would go something like this.....

Jenn is patient, Jenn is kind.  Jenn does not envey, Jenn does not boast, Jenn is not proud.......through Jenn never fails.

Clearly you don't need to get past the first three words before you realize that you just essentially wrote something that you want to be true, you really wish was true, you hope to someday be true, but are willing to admit wasn't true yesterday, probably won't be true today, and likely isn't going to be true tomorrow.  Let's face it, we have to repeat our words to our kids enough times to make anyone other than Jesus lose their minds.  And considering I have to drive on Route 28 today which ought to raise my blood pressure significantly itself, by the time I arrive at my destination, kind is most likely going to have left the building.  I won't even bother with the envy.

Despite my shortcomings in every area of this passage, I know a few things to be true:

1.  I can approach God's throne of grace with confidence to receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.
2.  There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  (no condemnation, not no conviction to improve)
3.  God doesn't expect me to be perfect and is more than willing to reach out His hand to help me back up and say, "Let's try this again." (And fyi, unlike a parent whose goal is to get their hand off of the back of the bike so their child can ride independently, that is never once His end game.  He isn't letting go.)

So, as I took this challenge today, I am presenting it to you.  Write it all out, replacing the word 'love' with your name.  Ask God to show you how you are doing with each of these opportunities to show love and how and where you need to improve.  This isn't about perfection and nailing it every time because we won't.  But we can get better, we can reflect Jesus more, and we can allow the love of God to transform us a little bit more every day.

Jesus, this isn't an easy thing to do.  Admitting where we are coming up short, particularly with those we love the most, is a difficult reality to face.  But we know that if You are bringing this to our attention, and You are starting the work, then You will see it through to completion.  Remind us to confidently approach Your throne of grace to receive the mercy we need when we fall short and the grace to help us do better next time.  It's in Your name of love we pray, amen.

Moving On

Yesterday I was reminded of one of my worst culinary disasters.  Not that I've had a lot, but that has nothing to do with expertise and everything to do with lack of confidence and sticking to what I know.

I believe I was in high school when it happened.  My mom was going to make stew for dinner.  Knowing I'd seen her do this many times, I thought that while she was at work, I would get it done for her.  And so I coated the meat, browned it, added the vegetables and water, and waited for it to thicken and turn into the comfort food my mom lovingly made for years.  If you've never made stew, in order to make it thicken, you coat the meat in flour.  FLOUR.  White, powdery flour.  Not having put away all the ingredients by the time she walked in the door, she looked at the countertop and asked me why the powdered sugar was out.  POWDERED SUGAR, not flour.  In my defense, it was white powder, it was in an unlabeled mason jar, and I used it.  Needless to say, we did not eat the stew.

I could also tell the "7 Layer Jello Salad" story.  I use the word 'layer' very loosely.....just like the salad was very loosely held together and looked more like tie dye soup.  Then there was the Andes Candies Cake-like Dessert that was missing the second stick of butter.   And while I am sure I have more stories like this I've probably blocked them permanently from memory.

But here's the thing.  I didn't let those things stop me from learning how to make the things I do make well like lasagna, meatloaf, sloppy jo's, meatballs, sauce, stuffing, or candied carrots.  I was determined to not let past failure keep me from experiencing success in the future.

However, there are places in my life where I have let the past dictate what I am or am not willing to try again in the present and future.  Because when there is risk of failure in the kitchen, you can immediately rectify it with another food.  When there is risk of failure that breaks your heart, that is not such an easy fix.

Being an introvert by nature, it's difficult to put yourself out there in the hope that you'll be accepted and liked just for who you are, not what you bring to the mix.  I've never been the life of the party, I would rather curl up in a corner than be the center of attention, and I will not join a group of friends in conversation if I wasn't there at the start.   There are people I haven't even friend requested on facebook for fear they will not accept or won't remember me.  True story.

But here's the thing.  I'm not called to live this way.  Jesus knew He was going to be rejected, specifically by the people He came to save.  He knew Judas would sell Him out, Peter would deny Him, Thomas would doubt Him, and Paul would persecute Him.  But none of that stopped Him from reaching out to love others and love them well.  And from my own story, I can say that He passionately and lovingly pursued me until I could no longer deny that my need of Him was greater than my fear of rejection by Him.  Because when you look in the mirror and see all the mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and blunders, it's hard to believe that even Jesus could love the hot mess you see reflected.

It's not easy to put yourself on the line when you are risking your feelings being trampled, but the reward of sweet communion when it is reciprocated makes your heart swell.  On this amazing Sabbath Day, as you head out to church and hear the Gospel proclaimed, go in with the expectation and knowledge that Jesus is not only waiting for you, but He is bursting with joy to see and spend time with you.  Let Him in to all those broken and fractured places, the homes of past mistakes, and let Him make you whole again so that you can be His hands and feet to others like yourself.

Jesus, more than anything we want to see ourselves as You see us ~ forgiven, worthy, valuable.  Help us to truly believe that Your love for us is unconditional and that through Your Spirit we can overcome our past and move boldly into the future You have planned for us.  In Your precious and redeeming name, amen.

Redeeming Love

I read a post on facebook earlier from a friend who is writing an article on marriage.  She asked the question:  What's the secret of staying married?  Buried deep in the comments was this:  how to keep deciding to love when it's hard.

As I've mentioned before I am reading The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp.  This book has challenged me in ways I didn't know I could be challenged.  It has given me a perspective I functioned without but can not pretend I do not have now.  It has blessed me with the opportunity to understand what love is in a way I didn't know was possible.  But it has also left me with choices that need to be made that are both difficult and necessary.

In the beginning of Chapter 8, Ann presents this question:  "What if you break open your one heart and risk pouring out your one life in givenness and you aren't received as being enough to actually be loved back?"

Now, I am not about to get into my entire life history, but I can tell you without sharing details, that I know something about that.  I know exactly how it feels to give everything of yourself in the hope of being loved the way you desperately want to be loved only to find out, "You are not worth my time, effort, affection, attention, self-sacrifice."  And it hurts.  And it leaves you wounded.  And the scars never disappear.

So then, how do you take the risk again?  How do you get back up from feeling completely unworthy, unlovable, damaged, and dirty to try one more time in the hopes that this time will be different?  That this time love will stick?  That this time the love will be accepted, treasured, and reciprocated?

At the time of my life that this happened, I didn't know Jesus the way I do now.  So, I can unequivocally say it was nothing but God's grace that picked me up and gave me the wherewithal to do it.  I may not have known it at the time, but I can undoubtedly see it in retrospect.

However, without having been healed properly, the wounds that remained have followed me up to this point.  There are still triggers that sometimes feel like they willl never go away and still keep walls built up around my scared heart.  It's one of the reasons I bought this book.  I'm tired of living this way.  I certainly don't want to continue this way.  I absolutely don't want to die this way.

Through this process, I have come to see that God can take the most painful parts of your past and redeem them in probably the most painful, but effective, ways.  What left you shattered before can actually work to make you whole again.  And while I might not have chosen the methods God has decided to use in this long, daunting, arduous journey, I can tell you, He makes it personal enough to get your attention to make you realize something bigger than you think is at stake.  Because sometimes it's about more than restoration of what the locusts have eaten, sometimes it's about growing your faith in a way that makes you understand your absolute and utter dependence on the love of Jesus.

But back to Ann's question.....how do you risk loving when you aren't guaranteed a return?  I can give you the cliche answers of trusting God, having enough faith to muster up your strength, and believing that God's plans are good and that He'll see you through what might feel like the valley of the shadow of death.  I could tell you to rely on the Spirit that lives in you that has the same power that rose Jesus from the grave.  And while all of those are true, I don't believe that any of those things will independently get you off the ground and willing to put one foot in front of the other.  The reality is, you need God's grace.  You need His grace to give you another chance, another glimmer of hope, another glimpse of belief that this time will be different and worth it.

As Chapter 8 comes to a close Ann writes: "The risk of a vulnerable communion always leaves you tasting the grace of Christ."  Opening your heart isn't easy.  Pouring out your heart can feel like you are holding a 10 gallon bucket trying to pour into a dixie cup without spilling.  But oh to taste the grace of Christ when He exceedinly and abundantly gives you more than you could have ever asked or imagined, makes every tear, heartache, and frightened step worth it.

Jesus you gave your life for us because You believed loving us was worth the risk of being rejected.  Fill us with your love, a love that heals our wounds and gives us the strength to love others, risking it all, to taste the sweetness of your grace.  Amen

Imperfect Vision

Yesterday I had my annual checkup with my opthamologist.  This is probably my least favorite appointment of the year because I have to have my eyes dilated.  The drops sting, the wait time is usually long, and it never fails to snow.  In case you haven't experienced dilation, sunlight, in any amount, glistening off of white snow is awful when your eyes are compromised.  And most annoying is that huge pupils look creepy.

Last year when I went, I was in the third book of a four book series and I was desperate to read.  After I got home, I forced myself to struggle through pages, holding the book at a distance and odd angles, just so I could make out the words enough to continue my obsessive need to find out what was coming next.  It wasn't easy, but I did it. (#TwilightEclipse)

Yesterday, being more impatient than last year, I took a book with me, determined to read while I waited to be seen.  That proved to be more difficult but not impossible.  It helps if you are stubborn and determined.  (#TheBrokenWay)

As my eyes later began to return to their normal state and reading wasn't a challenge, it made me appreciate my vision in a way I hadn't before.  It's something I take for granted so often, not thinking that something will ever permanently effect my ability to see.  But the days are unpredictable and we never know what is coming around the bend.

When I read my Bible this morning, I thought of the words of Amazing Grace ~ I was blind but now I see.  Every time God reveals a truth about Himself, His character, His ways, or our hearts, it's an opportunity to have the blinders removed and our vision restored.  Those personal revelations should be met with the same thankfulness I had yesterday when I didn't have to struggle to read the pages of my book but they often aren't.  They may make my heart leap in the moment, but soon after they are forgotten, misplaced, uprooted.  Why is that?

I have read books meant to help me with my faith journey.  As I was in the midst of them, the words were powerful, having an impact, and producing fruit.  But once they were finished, the message was lost, the lessons forgotten, and the truths diminished.  How does it happen that you go from blind, the ability to see, and blind again so quickly?

What I'm beginning to realize is that the messages, lessons, and truths aren't really as lost as I was before I was found.  They are there in my heart.  I am just expecting miraculous conversion after miraculous conversion.  And while God is certainly capable of doing that, for the most part, the differences in my life before and after Christ entered my heart, isn't a series of spectacular firework displays.  It's the slow, steady movement of growth, imperfect progress, and increased dependence on Him for everything.

One of my favorite verses for years has been 1 Corinthians 3:7 ~ So neither the one who plants or the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.  I have always had a tendancy to try to make my garden grow.  Sometimes I think I get myself involved in online Bible studies, my own stack of books, and every other resource I can get my hands on as my own personal Miracle Grow supplement.  But the lasting changes that God desires for me aren't the ones that happen over night and quickly, but the ones that happen over time that allow me to realize I don't ever want to go back.

It would seem that God is sublty reminding me that slowing down, enjoying the process, and just resting in Him is a good idea.  I don't want to get so caught up in getting wherever I am going that I miss the beauty of where I am now.  He has me here right now for a reason.  Maybe it's time I focus on the truth that I've been put here for such a time as this and not for a time to come.

Jesus, you came when it was Your time.  You put me here because this is my time.  Keep my eyes fixed on You in where I am now not to where I hope to be someday.  Remind me that my vision is limited and that what you have planned is exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine.  In Your precious name, amen.

Choosing Better

If you know me personally, you know that the most challenging thing for me to do is rest.  Whether I am sick, injured, or tired, I often keep going, racing to get things done, based on a deadline that doesn't actually exist.  I'm not sure how or when this incredibly unhealthy habit started.  I am also aware that it needs to stop.

Sitting at my table, I just looked up and saw my daughter's iPad.  I'm not sure if you know this (I didn't), but if you plug in an iPad to have it charge without shutting it down, that little white plug gets pretty toasty.  Maybe not 'start a fire' toasty, but enough that if you touch it, it's definitely warm.  If you shut it down while it's charing, it still gets warm, but not toasty.

Anyway, it made me think about my quiet time with God.  I love learning about Him, His ways, and what He wants from me.  But what I'm super bad at, is resting in Him.  I read with intent to learn and grow.  This is not necessarily a bad thing in itself.  But if that's all you ever do, eventually, you are probably going to overheat and not function optimally.  Between Bible studies, devotionals, books I read, people I listen to, I never just sit and read my Bible for the sheer pleasure of being with God.  It's like I'm constantly in a professional development seminar or self-improvement class.  Yes, there is a time and place for that in my life, but it shouldn't be my all consuming priority.

When I had my babies I held them constantly.  My poor husband would have to pry them from my arms when he was home from work because I always had to have them close to me.  I miss those days.  I'm sure I could attempt to do that now but (a) they'd likely crush me and (b) the teenage boy might look at me like I've lost my mind.

But I wonder if God feels this way about me?  What if He is waiting for me to just curl up next to Him as I read His word just so He can love me well?  What if this has been the missing piece all along?  I used to do this.  I would read 'all the books' to help me understand the concepts beyond my reach but then I would read His word and see His love glaring off the page.  Somehow I got so hooked on learning (shocking, I know) that I became obsessed with wanting to know and understand more.  Unfortunately, I have been neglecting the time I need to have to let Him root it deeply in my heart.

Last summer I bought a Giving Key necklace that has the word Breathe on it.  I bought it because of a song I love (Breathe by Jonny Diaz) and the breath of the four winds in Ezekiel 39.  But what just occurred to me is that the refrain in this song declares these words......"Breathe, just breathe, come and rest, at my feet."  For the girl who doesn't stop, this seems almost impossible.  But for the girl who doesn't stop, this seems to be most necessary.

And so today I resolve to slow down.  I want to open my Bible and breathe in the words that the breath of God put on those pages.  I want to come to Him and rest at His feet so He can do what He does better than anyone else:  Love me unconditionally.

Father, we live in a world that promotes more, faster, better, bigger.  But that's not a philosophy we should adopt and never one we should apply to our time with You.  Help us, especailly me, to slow down, to be in Your presence without an agenda, to let you love us unconditionally so that we can be healed and whole.  In the precious name of Jesus we ask these things, amen.

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Isaiah 39

If you were to have company over and give them a tour of your home, what would you show them?  Would you focus on the things you have accumulated of your own accord, the gifts you've been given by others, or maybe the things that were unexpected?  Whatever you show is an indication of what's in your heart, and what you expect from your audience is a litmus test for your soul.

Hezekiah has some colleagues show up and he shows them his storehouses filled with silver, gold, spices, and olive oil.  To me that would be the equivalent of whipping out a bank statement, a portfolio snapshot of a 401K, and opening the fridge.  Why you would do that is beyond me and I imagine would be somewhat off~putting to your guests.

Granted we all have "things" we are thrilled about.  The questions we need to ask ourselves is why they make us so happy and what they represent to us.  I was not at Hezekiah's palace that day to know what his demeanor was while showing his visitors around.  But knowing they came because he had been sick and was healed, I would like to think that he was still recovering and perhaps would have been a little more humble than he appears in this narrative.  What makes it worse is that afterwards Isaiah prophecies the Babylonian exile and he thinks that will be a good thing because it will equate to peace and security in his lifetime.  I am not the wisest person on earth by far, but I do know enough to understand that peace and security will never come from a change in circumstances.  Peace and security only come from hope in an unchageable God.

There's a part of me that wants to believe that it at least occurred to Hezekiah to show his guests the letter from Sennacherib, the one he prayed over, the one that God gave him victory over.  I would like to think he showed them the wall he was facing when he found out he was going to die only to be given a second chance at life after declaring that God should do what is good in His eyes.  But sadly I don't think either of these things crossed his mind.

The world today places so much emphasis on what we own.  And even though we know we can't take it with us, there is still a part of us that searches for significance in our possessions.  I pray that we would take to heart the words of Jesus when He told us to store up treasures in heaven where moth and rust cannot destroy and thieves cannot break in and steal because the things of this world can never define our value no matter how much they are worth.

Father, the greatest treasures we have are your love and faithfulness.  I pray that we would display those things first and foremost.  Keep our eyes fixed steadily on the gifts of your grace and mercy knowing that they are the things that will last forever.  Remove from our hearts anything that we connect to our identity that is not of You and remind us that our peace and security are found in the knowledge that you are the same yesterday, today, and forever.  Amen.